


Behind the facade

by Gizmomis



Category: American (US) Actor RPF, British Actor RPF
Genre: Adultry, Child Abuse, Danger, Drugs, F/M, Heartbreak, Marvel - Freeform, Pain, Secret Agent, True Love, Zac is troubled, bad memories, dc, figthing inner demons
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-05-13 07:57:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 39
Words: 52,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14744942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gizmomis/pseuds/Gizmomis
Summary: Zac and Tom are both hiding some big secrets, the kind of secrets that can ruin their lives.Zac is battling the lasting effects of childhood abuse. Now he abuses himself, unable to find peace.Tom is leading a taxing double life, that could end up killing him. Adding secret upon secret, and lying to everyone in his life.Ivy is a woman who has never wanted a life in the limelight. She has a family that needs her which takes up most of her time and energy.What happens when she meets Zac and he shows an interest in her? Can he control his demons and not ruin the one good thing in his lonely life?And - what happens with Tom is thrown into the mix?Zac story is very loosely based on his pained childhood and troubles he has worked through as told about in interviews.





	1. Tom reveals his secret

**Author's Note:**

> Comic con 2013

*Tom*

I parry the first attack, ducking under his other arm. Hammering my fist into his nose, feeling it break and the blood splatter on me. I curse, I can't really walk around comic con with blood on my white shirt. "Fuck, it's my favorite shirt".

"Oh did I get blood on the starlets shirt ? I am so sorry". The big man grumples. Then he throws himself at me, and I duck, grabbing his legs, using his speed and weight to throw him over me and head first into the wall.

The door to the small backstage room open and Zac comes in, staggering slightly. He stops, narrowing his eyes at me. "Is that blood Tom ?"

"No ?" I say hopefully.

He rubs a hand over his face. Then looks at me again. "That's not a question you're supposed to answer with another question." He walks slowly to the minibar, not noticing the semi-conscious man in the corner.

"Are you sober Zac ?" He had seemed a bit off at the panel, and I know from earlier that he likes to party a bit to hard.

He pour himself a glass of whisky. "I'm moderately functional." He say with a shrug and downs the alcohol in one gulp, filling the glass again. 

"l'll take that as a no then." I shake my head. He definately needs some help getting this under control. But right now I got enough to do handling the man wanting to kill me.

And the killer in question is coming around, getting on his feet. Zac still not noticing anything. The man pulls out a gun. Fuck this could easily go very wrong. And of course Zac chooses this moment to walk in between us.

"Zac, watch out, he got a gun". He looks at me in confusion. "No not me, behind you. Get down". I wave with my hand, wanting him out of the way.

He turns around, kind of flailing his arms in panic, knocking the gun out of the other mans hands, making me groan. Zac tries to focus. "Sorry there, you dropped something".

Zac actually bend down to pick up the gun and I am on the move, needing to stop this. The man pulls out a knife, ready to take out Zac.

"Here you go". Zac pulls out the gun from under the table with a bit to big arm movement, elbowing the killer in the diaphragm, making him topple over. And I am instantly on him.

I have no real choice here, I am compromised if he gets back to his boss then Zac might be in danger too. So I get behind him, closing of his breathing with my bicep pressed into his throat. Feeling him fight, but as he is still groggy, I have the upper hand, and soon he stops moving and I let him go.

"You-you are-". Zac is starring at the body on the floor, then at me, his eyes the size of saucers. He suddenly seems much more aware of his surroundings.

I send him a questioning look. "Beautiful, a genius, immensely talented ?" I ask, trying to brush it off. I mean he just saw me kill someone. Not sure I can talk myself out of this, no matter how drunk or high he is.

"Dangerous." He say, pointing at me. "You are dangerous".

"Calm down Zac, its not what you think it is". I need to think fast here. I can't have him running outside screaming bloody murder.

He looks at me, then at the body, making a face. "So you are not some kind of undercover James Bond kind of secret agent ?"

"Okay, it is exactly what it looks like". I say with a sigh. "And you need to keep quiet".

His face light up like a kid on christmas. "Oh this is awesome Tom.. it's so freaking cool. Well except for the dead guy.. not awesome".

"Maybe we should talk Zac". I say pointing to the couch. "I need to explain this to you and I think you have some problems you could use talking about too, because you are drunk as a skunk and high as a kite".

He looks at the body. "I can tell you five things better than hanging around a dead body. No, you know what? Ten things. Twenty. Thirty."

"Are you going to keep increasing that number until we leave and go somewere else to talk ?" I ask him, pulling my phone from my pocket.

He nods enthusiastic. "Yes."

I quickly call for some clean up, then I wave for Zac to follow me. My room might be a better place to talk. Ending up having to drag him by the arm when a couple af slutty dressed woman starts talking to him. Oh he so needs an intervention.


	2. Bad news

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 9 October 2015

"Zac wake up". The door to my bedroom is thrown open and the sound makes me groan, and pull the blanket over my head. My head is pounding and I am not up for dealing with my sister Shekinah right now to be honest. I mean I love her dearly, but she is always after me to get my act together.

The drapes are pulled open and I hear someone stir beside me. Trying to remember her name, I peak up at my baby sister. "Do I look like I want to wake up ? And next time call, I got company".

"Yeah tried calling, but you were dead to the world again". She say making a face telling me how dissapointed she is. Then she glares at the blonde beside me.. Shirley ? Sheila ? What ever.. "You, blondie.. get out".

"And who are you ? His wife ?" The blonde says giggling.. looking very pleased with herself.. Jenny, that was her name and she was a model or something. "Sorry but you have to share".

I pull the blanket around me, sitting up. Leaving Jenny naked, squealing and trying to cover herself. "Eww she is my sister for gods sake".

"Zac we need to talk, alone". My sister says, casting a glance towards the naked woman who has sat up, winding her arms around me.

Actually I prefer the both of them to leave. I have a hangover and I feel the dark thoughts trying to push through. The blonde kisses my neck. "Sorry but whatever you need to say you can say with me here".

"It's about mom Zac". My sister is picking up Jenny's clothes, it has kind of been scattered all over the room, throwing it beside her on the bed.

I sigh, my mom is.. well she is pretty messed up and she has been my whole life. To say we have a strained relationship would be putting it mildly. "What have she done now ?"

"She is dead Zac.. she died yesterday and they found her this morning". My sister say, looking at me like she expects an explosion to go of.

I grab my jeans, pulling them on under the blanket, staring at Jenny. "You.. out now". She looks about to speak, but I hold up my hand. "No, don't start talking, out now. You were an easy fuck, nothing else, so leave".

Walking out the bedroom, I hear my sister actually apologising to her, telling her I had a big shock. Did I ? Have a shock that is ? I don't know.. I feel numb and I make my way to the living-room, pouring a glass of whisky.

I hear Shekinah walk Jenny out, closing the door. I can feel how she stands there for a moment, taking a deep breath, afraid how I will handle this, scared I will act out, before walking into the living-room. "Really Zac, so whiskey is the breakfast of choice now ?"

"I am not in the mood to discuss this sis". I take another sip of the drink, feeling it warm up my inside. "So, what happened ? Did she.. did she do it herself ?"

"No, they don't think so. They found her in the bed. She.. she has been sick, but she refused to see the doctor, said it was to expensive". She say, flopping down in the chair.

I close my eyes, feeling the tears burn behind my eyes. "Why didn't she just call then ? She knew I would have paid".

"Maybe that was part of the problem Zac. She didn't want you to keep posting money into her. She wanted your love, not your money". She says, kind of holding her breath.

I empty the glass, slamming it down on the table. "You know why I couldn't do it anymore.. You know how she was, what she did".

"Yeah Zac". She has tears in her eyes. "And I am reminded every time I see you punishing yourself for her mistakes".

I get up, going to search in my jacket pocket. I remembered right, there was a small bag with about a gram left. I need to get away from the pain or I will break. "Thanks for coming sis, but.. but you better leave. I am not going to be good company".

"Don't Zac, please don't". She looks at me, but I just shake my head. I need to. "Okay then, if you must, but I am not leaving you. Do what you need to do, but I'll stay, you shouldn't be alone".


	3. Her big premiere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 13 November 2017

*Ivy*  
I look at myself in the big mirror, my dark wavy hair has been pinned away from my face and is falling in what look like ocean kissed curls down my back. "Seriously is this what I am supposed to wear ? I am more naked than dressed".

 

"Of course it is". My stylist Tawny says. "You look exactly like the queen of Atlantis, having just ascended from the ocean. Everyone will love it".

 

The dress is an of the shoulder assembly of see through fabric, shimmering stones, glitter and small patches of stone in turquoise. The sleeves is slid open and hangs all the way down to form a train. On my feet are a pair of silver louboutin sandals that probably cost the same as all the shoes I own. "Everyone will stare at me".

 

"Well honey that is kind of the whole idea. You will dazzle them. Tomorrow Ivy Walker will be on everyone's lips". Tawny says smiling at me in the mirror.

 

I hear a squeak behind me and turn to see my kid sister Sadie clapping her hands. "Oh Ivy you look so beautiful. Why can't I wear a dress like that ?"

 

"Because you are 16 years old and need to dress according to your age". I tell her. She is in a strapless dress with a shimmering sweetheart neckline gold top and a long skirt in flowing blush chiffon, with gold sandals with a small heel. "You look gorgeous by the way".

 

She giggles and twirl in front of me, her hair falling in soft curls around her face, she is only wearing a tiny bit of makeup, while I have the whole shebang with smokey eyes matching my dress. She bounces slightly on her feet. "Uhh I am so excited. Do you think there will be a lot of famous people ?"

 

"I am sure there will be quite a bit, as we are in LA and a lot of them live here". I say smiling at her excitement. She is definitely more into this than I am. "So happy that I brought you as my date ?"

 

Nodding her head vigorously she says. "By the way have I told you that you are the very best big sister anyone could ask for ?"

 

"Only about ten times I think". I say taking the small clutch Tawny hands me. This is my first premiere too. I had actually never wanted this, the fame, the expensive almost non-existent dresses. I had been happy being a kindergarten teacher in Toronto, when I was one day spotted playing with the kids and begged to audition for a small part in the new DC movie Justice League, which lead to an even bigger role in the Aquaman movie we had just finished shooting a week ago.

 

"Your limo is here". Tawny announces and I take a deep breath, thanking her for making me look much better than I would ever manage myself, before walking to the care, my sister skipping happily beside me.

 

All the way there my sweet sister is talking about all the people she hope to see there and I just listen to her smiling. Wondering if I would have been like that had I been 16 years old.

 

"Ready ?" I ask her as the limo pull up outside. The noise and light outside is both scary and overwhelming. But I bite it down, this is a part of my new job so I might as well get used to it.

 

Sadie nod excited and gets out first when the door is opened. I follow her, trying to remember to smile. Looking around. Wow this is both really amazing and overwhelming at the same time.

 

Ben spots me, and waves, coming over. My sister is grabbing my arm. "Uhh Ivy, Batman.. I mean Ben Affleck is coming over".

 

"I know sis, now don't embarrass me". I say winking at her. She know she never could, but still I prefer her not having to many fangirl moments in public.

 

He gives me a light hug and sends me a smile. "So how is your first premiere Ivy ? You do look beautiful by the way".

 

"Thanks Ben. It is a bit weird, but well I am still here, so I think I'll manage. This is my kid sister Sadie by the way". I introduce them.

 

He gives her a light hug too. "Well a pleasure to meet you Sadie. Have a wonderful evening girls, I am being called upon". And with another smile he leaves.

 

"Did you see that ? Ben Affleck hugged me.. I mean he is a bit too old to really be hot, but still he hugged me". She says her eyes shining happily.

 

"Yeah I saw it". I smile to myself as we make our way down the carpet taking in all the sights and all the people. There isn't a second were my sister isn't telling me about someone she just spotted.

 

Suddenly I am grabbed from behind and lifted by huge, strong arms. "There you are Makamae, you look like a true queen".

 

"Thank you Jason. Now please set me down and meet my sister Sadie". I say laughing at the big man, behind me.

 

I am let down and turn to smile at my on screen husband. He might look all rough and scary, but he really is a big teddy bear. "Are you all on your own ? Lisa isn't with you ?"

 

"No she is home with the kids, the babysitter got sick". He answers. Lisa is his beautiful wife, whom I have met several times. He turns to Sadie, smiling. "You must be Sadie, a pleasure meeting you ipo".

 

As my sister is squashed into his massive chest she manages to mumble. "Uhh very nice meeting you to Jason. My sister has told a lot about you".

 

"Only bad things I hope ?" He says grinning as he lets her go, winking at me. "So Sadie, what do you think about being at a premiere ? Have you met anyone cool yet ?"

 

She lights up, clearly excited that he is talking with her. "It is so cool. We met Ben Affleck, and I saw Amy Adams before".

 

"It's good to hear you are enjoying it". He turns toward me. "And you my dear better get used to it, you are going to be a star".

 

"I am not Jason. I am not even sure I am going to do anything else than this. I mean my family needs me". I tell him. It's the truth, I mostly did it for the money, to help my family. I do like it actually, but I also know it will take me away more than I want to be.

 

We are interrupted by my sister, pulling at my arm, her voice high pitched as her eye goes huge. "OhMyGod OhMyGod OhMyGod". Yeah it really comes out as one long sound. "Ivy it's Zachary Levi, it is really him".

 

"Breathe Sadie breathe". I tell her, turning to see the man I know she admires deeply. She has shown me some pictures. He wasn't really my type honestly, to handsome, I always preferred more edgy guys. When I was younger Jason would probably have been my type. These last couple of years I had mostly dated.. well ordinary guys, none of them fit that.

 

Sadie of course hadn't shut up about Zac being the new DC hero. I didn't know much about him, beside from my sister and then having heard a bit after starting in the business. Everything I heard was positive, apparently he is like a super sweet guy. I had to admit when hearing he was cast as Shazam, my first thought had been that he needed to bulk up and damn it seems like he has.

 

Sadie is still pulling my arm and I might be staring just a bit. He is in a light beige perfectly fitted suit, that clearly shows wider shoulders and a much bulkier chest than on the pictures Sadie has shown me. He is talking to a reporter, looking caught up in what he is saying, moving his hands animatedly.

 

"Oh he is even more dreamy in real life". My sister sigh and I have an urge to tell her that he could be her father, so she better relax.

 

"I take it she is a fan ?" Jason says nudging me, nodding towards Zac and I roll my eyes with a small smile. He smiles, then he waves for Zac to come over. "Hey Zac, come here my man, I got someone you should meet". 

 

He excuses himself, walking over with a smile on his face and by God that is a beautiful smile and a handsome face. He has an aura about him, like a glow from within and I start to get why my sister is so fascinated by this man.


	4. Was he just flirting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 13 november 2017

*Zac*  
I jog over to Jason, he is standing with two pretty girls. But as I get closer I see that one isn't a girl, but a young woman. She is absolutely stunning in a blue dress that looks like she just stepped out of the ocean clad in water drops and sea foam. Her hair falls in soft dark waves and the freckles across her nose looks like little stars.

 

This is the first big a-list premiere I have done in a long time and totally sober on top of it. But a beautiful woman is still a drug that is kind of hard for me to resist.

 

"Hi Jason, congrats on the movie man, I can't wait to see it". I say to the big guy, giving him one of those one armed hug men tend to give each other.

 

"And welcome to the party, I expect to have you join the team for the next justice league". He pats my shoulder. "Come meet my very beautiful on screen wife Ivy Walker and her cute sister Sadie". He leans in whispering pretty loud. "She is a huge fan of yours".

 

I turn to the sister first, she is blushing badly, looking at her feet. I pull her into a gentle hug. "It is an absolute pleasure meeting you Sadie. Are you enjoying your evening so far ?"

 

"The.. uhh.. I mean.. you really are you. Shit I mean it's a pleasure meeting you too Zac and yeah especially now". She says all flustered. It is really adorable honestly. I never got why people admire me, if they saw the real me they wouldn't.

 

Then I turn to the beauty next to her, taking her hand in mine and kissing it softly, my eyes doing a quick scan, no ring. "And absolute delight to meet you Miss Walker or may I call you Ivy ?"

 

"Please call me Ivy, it's an honour meeting you Zac, believe me I have heard a lot about you". She says, glancing at her sister, who blushes even more.

 

There is just something about her, that draws me in. Making me want to know more about her. It is more than her looks, something shining from within and I kind of forget to censor myself for a moment. "You have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen".

*Ivy*  
I feel my cheeks heat up, those warm hazel eyes burning into mine. I have to look up as he is just as tall as Jason. "Oh, now you are flattering me".

 

"I never use empty flatter, that is sort of a weakness I have, I am always truthful about such things". He says, and I realise that he is still holding my hand in his much bigger hand.

 

I hear Jason chuckle and my sister sigh longingly beside me. "Well I would rather say that it is a strength, being truthful is a good thing".

 

"Well you are probably right, but it tends to make me embarrass myself, like I did a minute ago". He bites his soft looking perfect lip, looking at me through downcast laches.

 

I squeeze his hand, sending him a smile. "You didn't, it was actually a very kind thing to say. I am just not really used to getting compliments".  
"I can't believe it, a goddess like you.. you should be showered with compliments at any given moment". He says softly, making my breath hitch. I mean who says something like that ?  
Jason steps up, padding Zac on the shoulder. "Playtime is over lover boy, we need to get moving if we are going to make it to our own movie".

 

"Hopefully we meet again soon". He bring my hand back to his lips, leaving a burning mark. Then he takes Sadie's hand, giving it a light peck. "And you too miss Sadie, enjoy the rest of your evening".

 

I don't even have time to answer before being ushered down the red carpet, having to smile and pose for the cameras. But I can feel those warm eyes on me for a long time, making my pulse quicken.

 

As we get shown to our seats Sadie looks up at me with big eyes. "Oh God Ivy you are so lucky, Zac was totally flirting with you.. I wish he would have flirted with me like that, oh he was even more handsome in real life".

 

"Hold your horses Sadie, of course he didn't flirt with you, he is not a semi-phedofile creep. And he wasn't flirting with me either.. he was just being friendly". I tell her. He really had been much more handsome that I had expected.

 

She sends me one of those looks she sometimes does, telling me I am being really stupid. "Oh believe me, that man was so flirting with you, he was so into you I almost expected him to start humping your leg".

 

"Sadie !" I say in shock that my baby sister would say such a thing, but she just shrugs. I bite my lip. "He really was flirting wasn't he ?"

 

"Oh yeah, very blatantly even. I mean I've heard he is a bit of a flirt, but that.. oh wow I would have died". She says, getting heart shaped eyes.

 

I bite my lip, closing my eyes for a second. I had to admit that having a man like that flirt with me felt good. "Okay, he was flirting. But he probably does that with all women. And I am probably never going to see him again".

 

"I am sure he don't do that with all women, he isn't some kind of hussy you know.. and who knows, you might see him again, now you are a real actress". She says winking at me.

 

I shake my head slowly. "I am not a real actress. I mean it has been a blast and I loved doing it, but Ethan and mom needs me, you need me. I can't just be away for months at a time making movies".

 

"We can manage Ivy". My sister says padding my hand. "You need to have a life of your own too, and not end up an old cat lady".

 

"I don't even like cats". I say making a face at her. Then I notice Zac a couple of rows back, he is looking at me and I can't help blushing, muttering to myself. "Of course he had to sit there and see that".

 

Sadie turns in her seat and spot Zac, she lifts her hand, waving at him and he waves back with a soft smile. Her voice filled with kept in sighs. "Oh it is so romantic, he is totally looking at you".

 

"Sadie stop it, it was just a coincidence". I cast a glance over my shoulder. Nope he is still looking at me, sending me a small sexy smirk.

 

My sister is clapping her hands. "Oh no it wasn't, he is so looking at you.. oh imagine having him as an uncle, Jenna is going to be so jealous".

 

"Sadie Evelyn Walker ! Stop trying to marry my of to your celebrity crush". I say shaking my head at her. Not that he would really be interested, but even if he was, I would never be enough for a man like that and well I don't really have the time to date someone famous.

 

She just shake her head and roll her eyes. Honestly I can't help casting hidden glances over my shoulder, looking at him. There is just something that keeps drawing my eyes to him. Almost every time my eyes get caught by his and we exchange a smile, every one of his making my stomach flutter slightly.

 

Unfortunately I have to get my sister back to the hotel right after, it is getting close to her bedtime and well I don't think she belongs at a Hollywood after party. She tells me I can just go, she can be alone at the hotel, but no that is not happening.


	5. Did he really ?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 27 December 2017

*Ivy*  
"Ivy... Ivy.. Iiiiivyyyyy". I hear my sister yell through the house. I look up from playing card with Ethan, our big brother. "Ivy you need to see this".

 

She comes barreling into the room, her hair and clothes in a disarray. Ethan looks up at her. "What's the matter nugget ?"

 

"Oh Ivy he is so in love with you, he is totally gushing over you in this new interview". She squeals, putting her ipad on the table.

 

Ethan tries looking at the ipad but I snatch it, immediately knowing who she is talking about. Ethan looks curious. "Who is in love with our Ivy ?"

 

"No one, Sadie has just been reading to much fanfiction, it has melted her brain". I look at the article. He can't be talking about me, why would he ?

 

I hear Sadie whisper to Ethan. "Zachary Levi, he was so flirting with her at the premiere and now he is like almost declaring his love in an interview".  
I shake my head and start reading the article:

Zachary Levi is living his dream.

The 37-year-old actor has become beloved by fans throughout his nearly two decades in Hollywood with roles like Chuck Bartowski on Chuck and Flynn Rider in Tangled, but it's only recently that he's reached a point in his career where he feels he's really made it.

"This business is a really gnarly one, and you put yourself out there and work hard, and a lot of times, that's not enough," he told ET over the phone on Friday, while promoting the season finale of Tangled: The Series. "You know, you have these moments that kind of are blessings or luck, or whatever you want to call it, that kind of drop into your lap, and all of a sudden, your entire life changes. And I feel like this is that."

Levi – fresh off the success of Tangled: The Series, which was renewed for season two nearly a year ago, before the premiere of its first season – is referring to his latest role as the titular character in DC's Shazam!, which he will be filming in Toronto soon.

"When this movie comes out in April of 2019, that will be 20 years to the month that I started auditioning in Hollywood, and that's a really crazy thing to reflect on," he shared. "So, it's all very humbling, and the script is great and the cast is great and I love our director, David F. Sandberg."

Shazam!, of course, follows Billy Batson, a boy who can transform into an adult superhero by uttering "Shazam," an acronym of the ancient gods from which he derives his powers in adult form. Levi's signature enthusiasm made him the perfect choice for the role when his casting was announced in October. Three months later, it's clear he hasn't lost it.

"I can't tell you much, as you can probably imagine, but what I can say is I am just out of my mind excited!" Levi expressed. "I get to do my version of Big, basically. It's like Superman meets Big, and that's just so fun."

"I get to be a superhero that's excited about being a superhero, and I think that's refreshing," he continued. "It's not glum, and like, 'Oh, I have to save the world again.' So I think it's all really gravy."

As for which DC hero he'd like to see make a cameo in his movie, that answer couldn't have come easier: "Mera, because she's awesome."

"I think getting a cameo from anybody would be super cool, but I just think Ivy Walker is so effervescent. She has such a charm. And she seems like a really cool broad. Like, she was a kindergarten teacher that got discovered by accident. She is taking care of her whole family, her brother and mother both being sick and she still looks like a goddess. And I'm like, 'You seem like you're grounded and cool, and you're The queen of Atlantis, and you rock,'" Levi exclaimed. "And I think it would be really funny to have the 14-year-old Billy Batson inside of Shazam that's really awkward around this beautiful woman. I just think that would be really awesome."

I put down the ipad. "Oh wow he is talking about me, but how does he know all these things about me ?" I bite my lip, thinking for a moment. "Oh I am so going to kill Jason".

 

"I think it is really romantic that he has asked all those things about you". Sadie says, getting those heart shaped eyes only teenage girls get once again. "He wants to know everything about you".

 

Ethan grabs the ipad and starts reading. "Well I think it's just a bit stalkerish, but no doubt sis, this guy got the hots for you badly".

 

"Will you two stop. He doesn't, he don't know me at all. He might like the way my ass look in a dress but that is as far as it goes". I get up. I mean it can't be more than that right, it just isn't possible. I hurry out into the kitchen, leaning on the counter, feeling how my heart beats frantically.


	6. Long distance flirting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 29 December 2017

*Zac*  
"Is this the new relationship thing, long distance flirting or what ?" Eric asks me, holding the ipad up. We are sitting in the airport on our way to Toronto, and he had just read the article.

 

I chuckle, well I might have gotten a bit to enthusiastic when I started talking about her, the woman that keeps haunting my thoughts. I find her extremely fascinating. "I wasn't flirting.. I just think she is rather amazing".

 

"Hmm and where did you get all that knowledge about her. Did she happen to spill that during your ten minutes conversation ?" Eric looks at me with one eyebrow raised.

 

I rub my neck and know that I am smiling rather sheepishly. "Well I kind of asked everyone at the after party about her when she didn't show up, especially Jason.. and I might have googled her".

 

"Stalker much ?" He says grinning, then he fakes a cough and I am pretty sure I heard a loser come out between two coughs.

 

I glare at him, flicking the lid from my empty starbucks cup after him. "Seriously did you just looser cough at me ?"

 

"Oh yeah I did, because you are being such a loser Zac.. what the fuck googling a woman you like, how 5 years ago is that ?" He says grinning at me.

 

I roll my eyes at him. "But have you seen her Eric ? Oh God she is beyond beautiful. And I saw this interview with her, well more like 5 but.. and she is so funny and gracious.... What's with that face ?"

 

"Well are you going to ask her on a date first or just offer to birth her babies here and now ?" He says unable to keep a straight face. "In a week you have moved on as always".

 

I put in my earbuds, glaring at him. I have changed, matured. I am not like that anymore. "You know what, I am just going to ignore you for the rest of the trip if you are going to be like that. And by the way you know she is the one giving birth to our children right ?"

 

I groan and want so badly to slap myself when I realise what I just said, while Eric is holding his stomach, almost falling of his chair laughing at me.

 

Sitting there feeling humiliated, wondering if I get to see her now we are going to be in the same city I am checking twitter, seeing that the director has shared the interview and written. 'That is actually a marvellous idea Zac, I will contact the script people and Ivy to see if it is possible'. I feel myself light up in a smile at the prospect that she might be in the movie.

 

"And here is Zac's face upon finding out that his big crush might be in the movie with him". I hear Eric narrate and turn my head to see him filming, probably live feeding to instagram. I flip him off and pull the hood of my hoodie up, deciding to ignore him.

*Ivy*  
My phone rings and I pick it up, balancing a tray with lunch in one hand. The number is unknown. "Yeah this is Ivy".

 

"Well hi Ivy, just the woman I was looking for. This is David Sandberg, and I am the director of a small movie called Shazam that you might have heard of. We would like it very much if you might consider joining our cast as Mera". A voice I don't know says.

 

Ten minutes later I put down the phone, just as my sister comes sprinting, her ipad in hand. "Oh this you got to see sis, it's a video Zac's friend Eric posted yesterday, it seems like they think you are going to be in Shazam".

 

"Well I am, the director just called and asked. I have a meeting tomorrow talking script and getting measurements taken for my costume, we start shooting in 5 weeks". I tell her, feeling kind of excited about it.

 

She squeals and holds up her hand. "High five sis.. uhh someone sure is going to be happy to hear that.. look here, Eric was filming him reading David's tweet about trying to get you in the movie.. look at that smile, it's just.. priceless".

 

"You are spending way to much time stalking the poor man". I say shaking my head. But I still watch the video. That smile really is beautiful, so real, so happy. I can't imagine that smile can be because of me. I can't help chuckling at the look on his face when he flips off the camera and pull his hood up. Part of me wants to hug him.  
Sadie looks about to squeal again. "Isn't he just the cutest ? Seriously sis you have to date him, you would make like the most adorable couple ever ?"

 

"I am not looking for a relationship and especially not with a movie star. And by the way it's not like he has asked me out, try not to build to many ships in your mind". I tell her, shaking my head.

 

She just smiles knowingly. "I will bet you my favorite lipstick that he will ask you out within a week, I just know it".

 

I shake my head picking up my lunch. What if he actually asks me out ? Do I want to go out with him ? I mean he is handsome no doubt and he seems like a nice guy, I mean everything I have heard from my sister and from being in the business is positive. But I am sure he would just end up very very disappointed.

 

My prior experiences with handsome men had taught me that I lacked in certain areas, and being fairly nice to look at just isn't enough to keep a man like that, so why even try ?


	7. A trip down memory lane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> June 1987

*Zac*  
I am hiding in my room, sidding in the corner with my hands over my head, trying to block out the sounds. My father is yelling at my mother, he has been doing that a lot lately, for a lot of things. I hate when they are figthing. I often feel like I am the reason.  
Sarah is with a friend and Shekinah is having her nap, how on earth she manages with all this yelling. The fight started because of me, I was being bad. I stole 2 dollars from my moms purse. Mostly to make her see me I think. My father wanted to spank me, telling my mother to stop screaming at me, that it only confuses me, a slap on the behind is better, I will get that. But she freaked, no one is hitting her kids. Calling my father a child abuser.  
But after a while, well it becomes a low buzz and I sneak out from the room, turning on the tv. Ignoring then as I watch cartoons. I like watching cartoons, mostly the ones with super heroes, they always save the day and everyone except the bad guys like them.  
"I had enough of you Susan, I won't sit here and watch you mess up the kids. Especially Zac hardly knows up from down". He yell and then the door slams.  
I hear my mother scream, she sounds like a wounded animal or a deranged woman. "You can't leave me Darrel, I won't let you".  
I hear the door open and my mom running outside, screaming like a banshe. I get up and go to look out the window, seeing my mom run after my father down the street, a baseball bat in her hand trying to hit him. And I just stand there watching, like it is a movie or something.  
My father makes a b-line back to the car and gets in it, locking the doors. My mom slams the bat into the car and my dad gets the engine going. She tries to jump on the hood of the car as he backs out of the driveway, but she just rolls of, crawling after the car, crying and screaming.  
Some part of me knows that this is it, my father has left. Driven away by my moms behaviour and drinking. By her flipping on us, especially me. This is because of me.  
When my mom comes stalking inside like 10 minutes later, I get up and because I don't know what else to do I say. "I am sorry mom".  
"You should be. It is all your fault. All because you fucking can't behave, no matter what I try you never listen. Sometimes I wish you had never been born". She screams at me, spit flying.  
I watch her go grab a bottle of rum in the cabinet, taking a big swing from it. Making a face. I try not to cry. Knowing it will annoy her more. "Please mom, don't drink".  
"That is none of your fucking business you brat. I need to drink, or I would go crazy staying in this house". She says, glaring at me. "Get out of my sight I can't stand the sight of your stupid face right now". I feel the tears burning in my eyes and se my mother roll her eyes. "Oh lord are you gonna cry like a girl now too ? Fuck of".  
I run to my room, throwing myself on my bed crying my heart out, feeling like I am not worthy of my mothers love. I am to stupid and to ugly.

January 2018  
I sit up in my hotel bed, bathed in sweat and tears running down my cheeks. This was far from the first time I had nightmares about my childhood. It has gotten better with therapy, lots and lots of therapy. So has the the acting out and hurting myself.  
Stumbling out of bed, I pull of my underwear and go to the bathroom, taking a shower to calm down and get the sticky feeling of my skin.


	8. Meeting again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 3 January 2018

*Zac*  
I am running a hand through my hair, then biting at my thumb, pacing the floor. Eric closing his eyes. "Sit the fuck down Zac, you are driving me insane".

 

"Sorry, it's just.. do you think she read that interview ? Or maybe she saw your instagram feed". I am tapping my food, maybe she thinks me a total loser by now. Hell I think myself a looser, but nothing new in that.

 

He folds his hands on the table, looking at me. "Well does she have stalker tendencies like you ? Because then she might have seen them".

 

"Shit her sister is a fan". I groan, rubbing a hand over my face. This could end up being so embarrassing for me. I still don't handle things like this to well. 

 

He chuckles and leans back in the chair. "Well then she has probably seen both. What's the problem, if she already know you got the hots for her then you don't have to tell her. Should make it much easier".

 

"She might think I am a total freak if she knows". I hear voice outside, one of them hers. I smooth my hands down my blue knitted sweater. "Did I pick the right clothes ?

 

"Well you tried like 5 different outfits". He says rolling his eyes, making me glare at him and he sighs. "You look fine Zac, calm down for God's sake or you'll end up scaring her".

 

This is why I usually stick to the woman that don't require much more to win over than a smile and a flirty comment, that I can do. I feel at home with that. But those women, they are like drugs, they make you feel good for a short time and leaves you an even bigger mess after. I am done with women like that, with fast relationships that means nothing.

 

The door opens and she comes in together with our director David, they seem to be deep in conversation. She is wearing fitted jeans and a pair of those tan boots with the fluffy inside, long ones with little bows on the back. And then a pink hoodie with a sleeping cat on her stomach. The hood is up and it has ears. Her hair spilling out on each side of her head. She looks breathtakingly adorable.

 

She laughs at something David say, a sound more tantalising than any I ever heard before. David looks up. "Well here is Zac and his friend Eric. You and Zac met before right ?"

 

"Yeah shortly at the premiere". She says, looking up at me. She don't seem to be wearing any make-up at all, but that fact only makes her more stunning. "Hi again Zac".

 

I just stand there, like a fucking moron. I know I should do something, say something, but my brain just can't seem to work. All my self-doubt and insecurities kicking in at once. Why would a women like her ever want someone like me ?

 

Eric stands up, and comes to shake her hand. "Hi there Ivy, I am Eric. It's a pleasure meeting you, I have heard a lot about you".

 

"Hi Eric, a pleasure meeting you to. My sister showed me some of your pictures, you are really good". She says smiling at him.

 

Eric inclines his head slightly. "Well thank you darling. Actually if you are interested, I would really love to take some pictures of you".

 

"Oh me ? I am really nothing special. But sure if I can help". She says smiling at him. How can she not know how beautiful she is ?

 

"Please don't tell yourself you aren't special, you are most definitely are". I finally find my voice, stepping over and pulling her into my arms. "Such a pleasure seeing you again Ivy".

 

I hug her close, trying to hide my cheeks flushing and so I don't have to look her in the eyes. I am feeling so utterly humiliated and I hope no one but Eric really noticed me freezing up. She smells faintly of hyacinths. "Good to see you too Zac".

 

"And we are so stoked to have you onboard for the movie. Thank you for saying yes". I say as I let her go. I simply need to get to know her better.

*Ivy*  
I feel a bit light headed when he lets me go. The scent of him having engulfed me. He smells good, masculine, warm and just a bit spicy, but it isn't choking like cologne can be. More like the scent comes from him only enhanced by a wisp of perfume. And the blue sweater look so good on him.

 

Sitting down I wonder what had him freezing up like that. Was it seeing me out of the glamour, being just me ? Maybe he realised I wasn't what he had thought. His friend Eric seemed nice.

 

David starts talking about the changes to the script, saying that it is a good thing that I live close as I will be in the movie a couple of times but in scenes scattered throughout the movie so I will have to come in several times.

 

I glance at Zac, he seems to be biting his thumb, watching my lips. This is making me nervous and my lips feel dry, making me lick them repeatedly.

 

"So I would be like this unreachable goddess like woman that he has a teenage crush on, because inside he is a teenager". I ask looking at David who nods. "I am not sure your make-up artists are that good". I say giggling.

 

"Contrary". Zac suddenly says. "You are going to put them out of work, there is no way make-up can improve you.. uhh I mean you are already perfect like this, without all the glamour". He actually blushes slightly.

 

I look at the table. Okay I can't pretend that he isn't interested. The way he keep looking at me. Those comments, which makes my stomach do flip-flops. "Thank you, but I don't think others agree".

 

Right then there is a knock on the door and a secretary comes in to take lunch orders, luckily breaking the awkwardness.

 

"It's rather hot in here isn't is ?" Zac asks, pulling the sweater over his head. He is wearing a plain white v-neck T-shirt under. It looks almost painted on him, hugging every muscle on his fit body, giving a glimpse of dark chest hair. Oh it is definitely getting hot in here.

 

I can't help fanning myself with my hand, grabbing a bottle of water, taking a big gulp, hoping it will cool that warm feeling rising in my body. "Yes, it actually is. Maybe we could turn down the heat ?"

 

The thought of having to sit here with him looking like that, well I am not sure I can do that. Now I totally get my sister, even though she is definitely too young to be looking at a man like this.

 

"I don't think here is to hot, might be something else. Maybe you two are coming down with something ?" Eric says with a crooked smile.

 

"Or it's you having a cold frozen heart to keep you cool". Zac says glaring at him, kicking for his legs under the table, but accidentally hitting me. Making me cry out. 

 

He is on his feet, very big feet I might ad in a flash. Hurrying over to pull my chair out and kneel in front of me. "I am so sorry Ivy, so sorry. Let me take a look".

 

"It's okay Zac, it was an accident. My boot took of most of the blow". I try telling him. But he has already pulled of my boot and is pulling up my pants leg, making goosebumps run up my leg, as his fingers touch my skin.

 

I look down, his long fingers is caressing my leg, lifting it, so my foot is resting on his chest. It feels like electricity is surging from his fingers up through my leg, pooling in my abdomen. "Uhh Ivy ? Are you present ?"

 

"Sorry, did you say something Zac ?" I feel the heat creeping up my neck, shit I had been so focused on his touch, that I hadn't heard him talking to me.

 

He smiles softly, biting his lip, running his thumb over the chin of my leg. Sending new sparks through me. "I asked if this hurt ?"

 

"No, it's fine Zac. Nothing happened". It is actually a bit sore and I am so getting a bruise. But I don't want him to feel any worse.

 

He gently pull my pant leg down and slide my boot back on, getting up. He leans in over me, pressing a kiss to my forehead. His chest way to close to my face, his scent drawing me in. And I feel this urge to just bury my face against his shirt. Luckily for me the door opens and the secretary comes in with lunch.


	9. Getting measured

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 3 Janauary 2018

*Zac*  
I really try not to look at her eating her lunch. Somehow she makes even the totally normal endeavour of eating a chicken salad seem very sexy. There is definitely something wrong with me here, I do not normally act like this.

 

So I look at my own salad, thinking that I really miss having a good steak or a burger. Trying not to imagine what she looks like eating either. Listening to her and Eric talk about the pictures he would like to take of her.

 

I am sure those pictures will be amazing. It's not only that she is beautiful, she has something about her, something unearthly that is hard to explain. Honestly she is way out of my league in any way, my only hope is that she isn't aware of how amazing she is.

 

Out of the corner of my eye I see her stretch and then pull of her hoodie.. she is wearing a tight fitting baby pink tank top with buttons in the front. The top buttons are open, just showing the soft rounded curve of her breast. And I literally want to tell her to put it back on right now.

 

There is a knock on the door and an elderly woman peaks in. "Are they ready for their measuring David ?"

 

"Sure Bonny, just come on in, we are ready for you". He says smiling and the woman comes in. "Everyone, this is our head of costumes Bonny Ferreira".

 

I stand up and shake her hand, smiling at her. She seems to be at least in her sixties, but experience is only a good thing. "Such a pleasure meeting you Bonny. I am Zac".

 

"Well thank you Zac. What a gentleman and so strapping and handsome too". She says smiling like only a sweet elderly lady can. I know I am blushing slightly, I never been good at getting compliments and I hear Ivy giggle.

 

She walks over to Ivy, who also shakes her hand presenting yourself. The little elderly lady looking her over with a smile. "My oh my ain't you a real knock out, I bet all the boys are dreaming of getting close to you my dear".

 

"Uhh thank you Bonny". Ivy says blushing slightly, and I can't help smiling. I am with Bonny on this one, at least one man is dreaming of getting a lot closer to her right now.

 

Bonny just smiles. "Believe me I know how it is, even though I might not look it now, I was a real looker when I was young. Had the men swarm around me. But the day I met my Walter I just knew, no other man could measure up to him. He was so tall and handsome, well much like our young hero over here".

 

After having said hi to Eric to, telling him he should trim his beard, she asks me to stand in the middle of the floor, my legs slightly spread. Pulling a chair over and climbing up on it. David nervously calling out. "Please be careful Bonny, we don't want you falling down and breaking a hip".

 

"Oh shush David, I can't very well measure these magnificent shoulders and arms from the floor, can I now ? My balance is perfect and should I fall, I am sure Zac here would catch me". She just shide him and starts to measure.

 

Ivy is watching as Bonny measures me up. I am trying to watch both of them, just in case I actually needs to catch Bonny. I can feel Ivy's eyes on me and she asks. "So how does it feel getting to be the big hero ?"

 

"Well I always wanted to do this, it's like a kind of a childhood dream. So actually I am really looking forward till we start shooting". I tell her. It is to honest truth, I finally feel like I have kind of made it, like I belong. Happy to be having a normal conversation with her.

 

She smiles. "Actually I can't believe no one has cast you as a hero before.. I mean like this, as the superhero, the main character. You are kind of a real life hero and you got the looks too".

 

"Thank you. As I said I am totally stoked. But honestly I love all roles. Could be fun playing a real villain too". I say as Bonny measures the length of my arm.

 

She looks me over, slightly shaking her head, making her hair dance. "Sorry to disappoint you Zac, but you do not have a 'mean look', no one would believe you as evil".

 

"Oh please, I'm sure I have a mean look, and I'm sure it makes people quiver in their boots!". I try say, standing a bit more straight, I can be evil if I want to.

 

She snickers in the cutest way. "If by 'people' you mean adorable baby kittens, then yes. Well before they wobble over and lick your face".

 

I am now glaring daggers at her, lowering my voice a couple of octaves. "You have no idea who you are mocking darling".

 

"Aww, look at all of the kittens coming over. How adorable! You are just cute as a button". She says teasingly, winking at me.

*Ivy*  
"You should be happy we ain't alone right now". He says with that deepened voice, making me shiver internally. Actually his evil look was more like sexy as hell and I am really proud I didn't just melt on the spot.

 

Suddenly Bonny wacks him on the shoulder, she had been measuring the size of his biceps. "Stop flexing those guns honey, I know you want to impress the pretty girl, but I am getting the wrong measurements".

 

"I wasn't.. I mean it wasn't on purpose.. sorry". He says, looking everywhere but at me. I bite my lip, he don't have to flex those for them to be impressive. Actually all of him seems to be rather impressive.

 

Bonny jumps down on the floor and measures his waist and hips. Then she kneels down to measure his legs. Those long, long legs.

 

She starts measuring the inseams, and suddenly Zac gasps loudly and blushes. Bonny clears her throat. "Uh sorry there love, I didn't expect to encounter that so soon".

 

"It's okay, no worries.. just an accident". He mumbles. Looking at the ceiling. He is looking absolutely perplexed.

 

I can't help snickering a bit to myself winking at Bonny. "Oh just admit it Bonny, that wasn't an accident at all".

 

"You naughty girl, I am really way to old to that kind of shenanigans. Really it just appeared before expected". She says shaking her head at me. Zac looks absolutely horrified, mumbling about wanting the ground to swallow him up.


	10. Getting poetic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 3 January 2018

*Ivy*  
We are finally done for the day and I have just gotten into the elevator to take it down to the parking basement. Just as the door is almost closed a hand slide in to stop it and the door slides open again. Zac stepping inside. "Hi again Ivy".

 

"Oh hi Zac. Didn't see you there". I say, keeping my eyes down. Being alone with him in the small space, well it is a bit overwhelming.

 

I can feel him smiling, and my eyes dart up. It is a lopsided smirk. His eyes resting on me. "No harm done darling. I.. wanted some time alone with you". His voice low and deeper than usual, each word said slowly.

 

"You did ? Why ?" For some reason my heart is trying to work its way up my throat. He is taking up way to much space in here.

 

He steps closer, making the space even more cramped, and my breathing getting slightly laboured. "I wanted to .. get to know you better.. get closer to you".

 

I swallow, shit why is this elevator so slow. Why haven't the doors opened yet ? He leans closer, looming over me, and I scuttle against the wall. Feeling cornered and at the some time like I am losing control here.

 

His hand shooting out and hitting the stop button, making the elevator come to a jolting hold. "Why did you do that Zac ?" I demand to know.

 

"To give us more time. No one will be looking for us here. We are all alone. No one will ever know...". A smirk is pulling at the corner of his mouth.

 

I feel rather faint, watching him wet those soft looking perfect lips. What is it he wants ? Is he going to kiss me ? Do I want him to ? He wouldn't overstep my boundaries in any way right ? No Zac definitely isn't that kind of man.

 

"Never know what ?" I can hear how my voice is slightly trembling, and my breath hitch as he steps closer, placing a huge hand on the wall on each side of my head.

 

"What happened in here of course.. between you and me..". He says, as he leans closer. His eyes is glued to my lips. And I can almost feel his lips on mine, almost taste him. My whole being feels like it is gravitating towards him.

 

He is leaning even closer, his mouth right next to my ear, his hot breath fanning over my cheek, making hot flashes run up my back. "So what do you say darling ? ... do you still think I can't be a bad boy ?"

 

Half of me really want to hit him when he chuckles and pull away, the other half desperately wants to climb him like a freaking three right now. I don't think I have ever felt this flustered.

 

I am trying to steady myself, still leaning on the wall, even though Zac has restarted the elevator. He is looking nervously at me. "Ivy ? Are you okay ? I was just messing around".

 

"You.. you .. urg you are .. okay okay you can play bad.. even though that was more.. fifty shades bad than evil murder bad". I manage to get out.

 

He bites his lip, then chuckles and shrug. "Well.. whoops. But I couldn't very well pretend to want to kill you".

 

The elevator reach the basement and I walk past him out the elevator, but stops when he don't move, turning to look at him. "Aren't you getting of here ?"

 

"Nope, still has a couple of things to do. As I said I just wanted to be alone with you. That part I actually meant". He says softly. "By the way, I have never really been to Toronto before, I was thinking maybe tomorrow if you are free, you could show me around ?"

 

I am not sure it is a good idea, but before I can talk myself into saying no I answer him. "Sure, that could be fun".

 

"Give me your phone". He holds out his hand and without thinking I unlock the phone and places it in his hand. 

 

He fiddles around for a bit, then hands it back to me. "I send myself a text, so now I got your number and got mine. If you send me your address I pick you up at 10 okay ?"

 

"Okay. Well see you tomorrow then". He leans in and gives me a light peck on the cheek, that feels like a ray of sunshine on my skin.

 

"See you darling". He smile and disappears back into the elevator, as I walk to my car, wondering again if I should have said no. Still feeling flustered.

*Zac*  
As soon as the elevator doors closes I rest my forehead against the wall, breathing in deeply. It had taken every inch of self-control not to kiss her. But I was scared that if I had kissed her, I wouldn't have been able to stop myself.

 

I can't stop myself from smiling as I walk back into the room, finding only Eric there. "She said yes to give me a guided tour of Toronto tomorrow".

 

"Well good for you, but you don't need a guided tour you have been here a lot of times. What are you doing Zac ?" He says, shaking his head.

 

I shrug, I will happily see it all again and even pretend to never have seen it before. "Well she don't know that and I had a feeling that a date might have been pushing it". To big a change of her saying no.

 

"A lot of trouble to go to just to get some chick into bed. Because that is usually you MO with women right. He says raising one eyebrow at me, I know he is mostly saying it to tease me and to poke at bit at me, but it still kind of annoys me.

 

I shake my head, still being a bit jumbled from having her close, I just spill my feelings. "Yes I want to be in bed with her. I'm not talking about fucking then passing out. No. She's better than that. I'm talking about just laying next to her rolling over and finding my way to her body. Holding her tight protecting her from any bad dreams she has. Finding her hand in mine like an uncontrollable attraction even in our sleep. Kissing her forehead as she lays her head on my chest. Feeling her heartbeat as she's soundly asleep in my arms. Intertwining our bodies in our unconscious states. Just being connected like one. I just want to be in bed with her".

 

"Oh God this is bad Zac.. so bad.. this woman has you spewing poetry about being in bed with her, before you haven't even got any, hell you haven't even kissed her I bet. This I have never seen before". Eric is cackling like a madman.

 

"Hey, I can't help that she has that effect on me, it wasn't like I planned that, I just spoke from my heart". I say pouting. Eric has been my friend for a long time, but he is such a jerk at times.

 

Eric almost falls on the floor, holding his stomach. "Next time you feel like speaking from your heart, please warn me so I can get it on film. I need proof or no-one will believe me.

 

"Just because you don't know anything about romance". I hear my phone pling. "See you can laugh all you want, because I am the one having a date with the most beautiful woman tomorrow".

 

"I thought you said it wasn't a date, that a date would be to much to ask her. So is it a date or not ?" He asks looking at me.

 

I shrug, and my smile crept out again. "Well might end as a date, she just don't know it yet". I check the phone, it is her address.

 

"To be totally serious, you need to watch out Zac.. I am not sure she will appreciate all this bending into a pretzel to make things happen, lying to her. You risk making it all more difficult". He says.

 

I bite my finger. "I wasn't lying, not really. I just.. I just want to spend time with her. Maybe if she got to know me.. maybe she would like me then".

 

"Zac, everyone likes you when you are you. You don't need to to do anything but be you". He say shaking his head. "I thought the therapy would have made you realise by now".

 

I sigh. I wish I dared believe that it could be that easy. Spending time together tomorrow I need to show her that I am worth taking a chance on.


	11. Of his racket

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 16 May 2011

*Zac*  
We are having a party to celebrate the airing of the season finale of Chuck season 4. Just the cast and some friends, and well a group of women specially invited. They are not hookers in the sense of walking the streets, but well these are women willing to do most things for connections, admission to parties and drugs, so basically they are whores.

 

The party is at my house and it is kind of wild and rowdy. As always I am at a total loss when a season ends. I mean I don't have other things falling back on. I had hoped doing Tangled, performing at the Oscar would give some offers. But not really. So as always, I am the one fighting nail and tooth for another season. I am scared to be back out in the cold, I already feel that I am the one standing outside the window, trying to be part of the cool crowd, not quite measuring up.

 

The others from the cast seems to have fun, they are taking thing much more laid back though, they always do. And they seem to ignore things that tend to go on at these parties. At least they seem to like me, despite all my bad sides.

 

Honestly I am totally of my racket tonight. One of the women offered me some drugs, I don't even know what it was, but it makes me feel good, loved, worth something. So did the blowjob she gave me, telling me it would feel much better on the drugs.

 

"Zac, I am going to go home. It's getting a bit to wild for me". Yvonne comes over to where I am currently sitting in an armchair, just watching people, pondering my existence.

 

I hold out my arms and she lets me pull her down on my lap. "Don't leave, it will probably be months before we see each other again".

 

"Sweetie, you know these things are not really my scene and you can always call. We could go for a game or something". She says smiling at me, padding my cheek.  
She looks so beautiful, and I do what I shouldn't, grabbing her hard, kissing her. My hand is running up under her skirt. I don't want her to leave.

 

"Stop that Zac, please don't". She pushes me away, and removes my hand. The pain of her rejection is tangible, like a tingling in my fingers or that part could be the drugs. No matter what I feel like crying.

 

She shakes her head, holding my hands to stop me from touching her. Making me realise that apparently my hands have a life of their own, trying to grope her. 

Suddenly Adam shows up. "Are you okay Yvonne ? Or do you need a hand with the idiot".

 

"It's okay Adam, I can handle him". She sends him a reassuring smile and he moves away. Then she looks sternly at me. "I will let your hands go now Zac, but keep them to yourself or I will smack you".

 

"Don't you like me at all ? Is it all just an act ?" I am suddenly crying like a kid, no one loves me, no one. And now I probably ruined our friendship.

 

"Oh Zac, I love you, but you are a mess and you need help. Please listen this time". She pulls my head down on her shoulder and I cry into her dress. She is right I am a total mess.

 

I burrows myself against her. Yeah I am desperate, desperate to feel loved, to feel good enough, trying to find comfort. "But if you love me, why don't you want me then ?"

 

"First of all Zac, I have a boyfriend, you know that. And I just watched you get a blow job from some skanky brunette, you really think that is the way to get a woman ? Doing that right here in front of everyone ? Get help Zac, please". She gently kisses the top of my head.

 

I hang my head. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear. "Why ? There is no reason to. I am to fucked up. No one wants me anyway, no one worth the time".

 

"Look at me Zac". She put a hand under my chin, forcing me to look up at her. "I like you, but you need help before anyone sane will take a chance on you. Maybe if you got help, got better..". And she leans in, kissing me, like really kissing me, softly, a kiss holding so many promises". Then she gets up. "See you Zac".

January 2018  
The alarm on my phone wakes me up, my face and pillow wet with tears. I remember that party like it was yesterday. Remember thinking that maybe if I pulled myself together Yvonne actually wanted me, like she said.

 

But did I do anything ? Did I get the help I needed ? No, the fucked up me of back then, got up as soon as she left and found someone else, willing to keep my bed warm that night.

 

Yvonne has never mentioned it. But at first, as we started filming season 5 she seemed weird towards me, disappointed maybe. Soon we drifted back to being friends though.

 

I don't know if she meant it, if she would have left him for me if I had gotten help. Maybe she only said it, hoping it was the push I needed to do something about it. It doesn't really matter now. Yvonne is married and I no longer have any feelings beside friendship for her. But sometimes I wonder how my life would have been if I had followed her advice back then.

 

I get out of bed and get ready, I need to get my training done before my date, sightseeing or whatever we call it with Ivy.


	12. The name is Hiddleston, Tom Hiddleston

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summer 2016

*Tom*  
I had heard of the mysterious and elusive freelance secret agent, Black mamba, but had never encountered her in the field. She had recently signed on for MI6 as the first female operative in my section, I have heard Miss Collins is an expert with a blade, and meticulously precise with a firearm. I look very much forward to meeting her.

I have just returned from a colaberal operation with the CIA to recover two stolen nuclear devices and honestly I would have prefered to relax at home with my feet up. But the possibility to meet this new agent made me to curious.

I arrive at the mansion and enter the main room, the cocktail party already in full swing. Dressed in a single button dinner jacket with jetted pockets and shawl collar, I know I look immaculate as always. As I straighten my narrow winged bow tie, my eye wander around the smoky room, trying to locate my superior, in the throng of guests.

I spy a dignified grey haired man, the head of CIA, who motions for him to join him. As I stroll across the room I snatch at a drinks tray in the hand of a roaming waiter and help myself to a glass of champagne. This is the home of a respected former Vice Admiral of the Royal Navy who has renovated his home to give it a nautical feel with paintings of ships and seascapes. A scale model of his wartime cruiser is in the pride of place in the busy room.

"Good evening Sir." I say formally.

"Evening agent, may I introduce Sir Gerald Tarrant."

We exchange greetings, I know of Tarrant, a high ranking official in Her Majesty's Secret Service. The elderly man in the well cut dark suit peer at me through horn rimmed spectacles. 

"Thing is Mr Hiddleston, this Sombra business has come to a dead end, and Sir Gerald has made a fine suggestion to expedite matters in locating the organisation."

"Oh? And what is that, may I ask?" 

I take a sip of the excellent drink and stare at the fatherly looking character who is fingering with his grey moustache.

"Cards on the table old chap, thing is I've established a rapport with young agent Collins, you may know of her. Although her self styled 'Network' group have disbanded, she still has contacts throughout Europe and Africa, and I understand she has acquired some very useful information."

"About?"

I might appear aloof, but I have spent most of the previous six months following poor lead after poor lead in pursuit of Sombra, and I don't have any particular hope in Miss Collins.

"Well, why not let her tell us in person."

I look past Tarrant's shoulder to look at a rater voluptuous dark haired woman in a floor length high slit velvet gown in a flattering burgundy. The spaghetti straps and rather low cut neckline show off the woman's splendid bosom to the desired effect of turning every male head in the room. Alice, my boss, makes a noise of disapproval in her throat, the form hugging dress is quite inappropriate for the occasion in her view. 

"Good evening, gentlemen."

Her lightly lilted voice had a slight French slant to it, although it is known she has not grown up in France. I hazarded a guess that she might be twenty eight or thereabouts in age. Her dark hair is piled up on top of her head, and her striking violet coloured eyes fixed on me, and on me alone. In her high heels she stand around five feet nine in height, and an impressive hundred and twenty pounds. I immediately feel a frisson of sexual electricity as we eye each other up.

"An honour meeting you, Mister Hiddleston." Her eyes running over me.

"Likewise, Miss Collins."

The slender woman lifts her cigarette to the slash of a red lipped mouth and blow out smoke in a long exhalation of breath. Her long arms and left leg, extended from the slit of her dress, are toned and tanned. Muscled, but not muscular. The hair up high display an elegant and sensual long neck, and I can't help imagining snaking my tongue up down from her ear to collarbone, ending at the swell of her firm, ripe breasts.

"Shall we sit, gentlemen?"

The five of us makes our way to a corner of the room and Tarrant makes a big deal of seating the woman himself. As she makes herself comfortable she crosses her bared left leg, the supple thigh and calf causing me to adjust my fly for relief at a stiffening manhood. Her right hand smoothes the velvet over her other thigh, her left hand adjusting the strappy four inch black heel.

Alice has briefed me on this once nameless girl, who had appeared from a displaced camp in Greece as a child in 1995. Ending up in Tangier she had received an education from another refugee together with a name, Dove, and later Collins. Rising to become leader of a criminal group in Tangier, she expanded it into an international organisation called 'the Network.' Now retired she had taken on various unofficial missions for the British Secret Service and based herself in London.

"I have informed Sir Gerald that my reliable friend and ally, Willie Garvin, has heard of several clandestine meetings in a run down manor house in rural Kent."

The woman flicker her cigarette bud into the convenient ashtray. I lean in as she blows out the last puff of smoke. 

"As we meander on with this tedious war on terror, other organisations such as Sombra is cashing in. Rumours are surfacing of a possible threat to both Soviet and America, even including sabotage or a hijacking of satellites."

I raise an eyebrow in incredulity and leaned back. A hijacking of a satellite in orbit. Absurd. Right then it is announced that dinner will be served.

"Anyway, Sir Gerald and I have decided that you and the delectable Miss Collins will go down to Kent and investigate. May be a dead end, or it may be a new lead to follow up.Tom ?"

"Yes Sir, as you say."

Dove and I eye each other up once again, and she raises her champagne flute.

"Here's to us." She smiles at me.

————————————————————————————————————

Two nights later, Kent, England.

Nothing screams sexy like a form fitting leather jumpsuit, and Dove Collins' black zipper catsuit is no exception. The a bit hard look only enhances the sassy, yet assured appearance of the dark haired female agent. The mandarin collar comes up on either side of her sensuous neck, and the centre front zipper just begs to be lowered to the waist belt that is slung low on her hips. Confidence and courage oozes from the violet eyed woman as she crouches down beside me in the darkness. 

I check my pistol for the umpteenth time, then look at my comrade. Like her, I wear a pair of durable black combat boots, together with black trousers and a navy turtleneck sweater. Dove is armed with her own pistol, capable of firing nine rounds automatic. She also packs her special weapon of choice, a wicked looking knife.

The manor house look innocuous in the black of night, no lights are on in the entire building. Although we are both considered to have superior fighting skills and sharp minds, we nonetheless take no chances, which is probably the reason we have lasted this long in this profession. 

"Go."

I wave my hand and Dove move silently and swiftly to the front porch of the house. She peer inside the side window and perceive a pitch black room. Motioning with her gloved left hand, eyes still on the interior, I join her. Deciding to progress further, we prise open the ancient window with ease and climb over the sill and in. Crouched low we both move stealthily toward the closed door.

"Stop."

I very carefully turn the curved handle and open the door a crack. Still no light, nor life. I open the door wider, just enough to let my body through, then I signal for Dove to follow. As we proceed along the corridor, Dove stop in her track, like she felt an awareness about her. Her traine ear clearly has detected something from behind her and leap around just as a tall figure points some object at her.

"HAH!"

I turn to see the agile female swing her right leg out and kick at the stranger's clenched fist. A metallic clatter is heard as the man's gun fall to the concrete floor. In no more than the blink of an eye she kick out again, connecting with the man's temple, and he fall to the floor in silence.

"Watch out!"

I see two more thugs emerge from the darkness and roll to my left to avoid a blow to the head. As I do so I lash out and jab hard to the mans solar plexus, felling him like a tree. Not knowing who the attackers are, we take no chances, and with quick reflexes, I squeeze off two rounds between the eyes of the third assailant.

"Drop your gun, you're outnumbered." A voice comes from the end of the corridor.

 

I hesitate, then comply, noticing Dove rolling over and lie low on the floor. Emerging from the dark are three sombre dressed men with M16 rifles in their hands. One of them bends down to the first body on the ground.

"Fritz is dead, Hans is out cold."

The man who stands in the middle of the others curses.

"Bastard, you will pay for that." 

At the precise second he speaks Dove acts. She makes a forward roll, coming up kicking, and one rifle is knocked clean out of one of the men's hands. With another twist of her body she leap upright from a back stand and used handle of her knife to smack two men about their heads. I move and pick up one of the rifles and jab the lead man in the belly with a vicious blow.

"Argh!" He yell as he hit the ground in a crumpled heap.

Dove lift two of the prone men and smash her gloved fists on either side of their faces, right on the ears. Both men black out and collapses. We gather our wits and view our work. Four men out cold, one shot dead.

"Bring him." Dove points to the dazed man on the floor.

I bend down and lifts up the leader who vomits at my feet, then I half drag, half carry him outside. Dove opens the trunk of the Jaguar and I bundle the man inside, securing his hands in cuffs first. 

"Nice work." I tell her, being rather impressed.

"Not too shabby yourself." She smile up at me.

She grabs the front of my shirt, pulling me into her and we kiss long and hard in the cool night air. Then we get into the car and we take off at a breakneck drive to a nearby safe house.

 

—————————————————————————————————————

 

My boot hit the floor of the car and don't let up for the next thirty minutes. I chose to drive without headlights, having made the drive to this particular safe house on several other occasions. When we turn up outside the rural house we race inside the empty building, hearts pounding in our chests.

"Close the door, quickly."

I know Dove can see my chest rise and fall as I wait, and then she turn back to me and I tug on the cord of a solitary ceiling light. Adrenaline pumping through me. Making my pulse beat furiously, fueling the rest of my body. I look and the beautiful woman in front of me, deciding to do what I have wanted since first meeting her.

Trapping the captivating woman between me and a bare four legged wooden table, I pull down the front zipper of her catsuit, pawing at her exposed breasts, my eyes never once leaving hers.

"I want you so badly Tom." She breathe out on a moan.

Between us we manage to peel the arms of the catsuit of her so that she is naked from the waist up. I desperately shed my sweater and trousers, and Dove in turn wriggle the suit from her figure. Naked underneath, she stare provocatively at the me, as my cock rise to attention. I pull her up roughly and lift her onto the edge of the teetering table, spreading her legs out wide.

"Ever done it on a table, my dear."

"Most certainly." Comes her cheeky reply.

Then she makes a loud noise as my fingers finds her moist slit. Dove leans back on her elbows, probably grateful for the gloves she still wears, and cock her head to one side. I hold her legs up and drape them onto my forearms as I step forward and thrust up inside her. For a short moment we freeze, the building is deathly still and silent apart from an electric buzz from the overhead light bulb.

"Dove, damn you feel good." I hiss as I begin to fuck her without mercy.

My hips slaps against her upturned thighs as I thrust in and out at a furious pace, rutting in like a dog in heat. She gasp with each and every stroke home, her long lashes blinking as if in Morse Code. Her luscious lips are wet and red as she run her tongue from left to right and back again. Dove take it in her stride, her butt rocking on the edge of the table. We are both wallowing in the indescribable pleasure of our love making.

 

"Oh God Tom, you feel so damn good."

I shuffle on my boots, then I slow to a stop and let the long, supple legs of my lover down. She pause to take a deep breath, then spin around and bent over the table, her combat boots dug in.

"Fuck me, damn it."

She grabs the table, bracing herself and I guide myself back into her warmth. With both hands on her hips I slam in hard causing the table to shift two inches across the floor. After we have steadied ourselves, we are back at it, getting lost in one another for several minutes, the pace never slacking.

"Yes, yes, yes!" She yell over and over, as I pump in and out.

I see her grit her teeth as her tits are mashed into the hard wooden top of the table, her feet goes on tiptoe as she fight to keep her balance. I am gazing at the round butt, it's like two half moons split down the middle. I grin mischievously and give her a light slap.

"Bastard!" She shriek, turning her head around awkwardly.

Her pussy tightens around me as she is sent over the edge, then I blow a gust of air from my lungs and pull her back by the hips. Embedded inside her warm tunnel I can't hold back any longer, reaching my own peak. I feel Dove go weak at the knees and let her upper body take her weight as she lay forward on the table.

"Is there a bathroom in this shit hole?"

I nod, not caring to dress as I grab my pistol. As Dove leave the room I walk back outside into the dawn twilight, naked save for my boots. Best check on the captive before reporting in. I open the trunk and know immediately something is amiss. Sure enough, the cuffed man is obviously deceased, traces of a suicide pill on his blue lips. Shit! This is not good and we are going to have to sweet talk our way out of this one to Alice before the day is done.


	13. Calling him on his bullshit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 4 January 2018

*Ivy*  
"You got a date with Zac ? Oh got you are so lucky sis. You two are going to be such a cute couple". My sister is going totally to pieces.

 

I shake my head. Why does she have to make it in to something it isn't ? "It's not a date, I am just showing him around town".

 

"What are you so afraid of ? Why would it be so dangerous to go out with him ?" She enquire. My sister has always been way too perceptive for her age.

 

I bite my lip, and I let the truth out, the real reason I try to stay away from him. "Honestly, I am scared I am going to fall for him. I don't want to fall in love".

 

"How could you not want to fall in love ? Especially with a guy like him". My sister look at me like I am absolutely crazy.

 

I sigh. "Easy, I don't want my happiness to depend on whether a person gives me their attention or not. I don't want stay up late wondering whether he is thinking about me. I don't want to cry over someone who may not care. I don't want to stare at my phone screen waiting for a text. Most importantly, I don't want to give anyone the power to destroy me".

 

"Or the power to love you back ? To give you joy and happiness ? Yeah love is a risk, but what is life without it ?" My sister says with a small smile.

 

I hear a car pull up outside and I grab my bag. "Well I am just not sure I am cut out for dating someone famous. To much chance of heartbreak, to much time spend apart".

 

"Give him a chance sis". She opens the door to me. "By the way you should get him to show you his favorite spots, I mean he has shot 2 series here, so he knows the town pretty well".

 

Stopping in my track I look at my sister. "So he has spend a lot of time here in Toronto ? Well yeah I have to ask him his favorite place then". 

 

So he was lying to me.. why would he lie to me ? I am stalking out to the car, feeling a bit annoyed by this. I don't like people lying to me.

 

"Hi Ivy". He gets out the car, flashing me a warm smile. Looking absolutely handsome in jeans and a beige sweater under a thick jacket and a scarf. He comes over to hug me. "You look lovely my dear".

*Zac*  
We get into the car. She is looking very cute in an oversized grey knitted sweater and black leggings. Hiking boots, a winter coat and a grey knitted beanie on top of her hair. 

 

"So where do you want to go ?" She ask me. Her eyes catching mine and I want to ask if a swim in the dept of her irises is an option.

 

I shrug, trying to push the feeling away with a shrug. "Were ever you want to go. I mean you know the city much better than I do".

 

"Okay, well then let's go to the CN tower, that is what everyone else does". She says smiling. Internally I groan, I did that the first time I was here and well I hoped she would have thought of something more exciting.

 

On the way she is fiddling with her necklace and part of me just want to tell her that I really like her, ask if she feels this explosive attraction too. But what if she laughs at me ? What if she thinks me crazy for feeling so much so soon ?

 

Her cheeks are flushed from the cold, her eyes extra bright and the freckles on her nose looks like a constellation of stars. I want to tell her how beautiful I find her right now, but I can't seem to find the words.

 

Should I even be doing this. i am sure she deserves so much better than me. But I am not who I used to be. I am better, therapy has helped me a lot. Don't I deserve happiness ? But what if I risk breaking her, do I still deserve it then ?

 

When we finally find a parking spot there is of course a gruelling line. "Are you sure you want to wait in line ? I mean you have probably done this many times. I can always do it some other time".

 

"No no, you just have to see the view, I'll happily wait with you and after we can go on one of those open busses that drive you past every tourist attraction". She says looking excited, making me squirm.

 

I rub a hand over my face. I am not sure I can face standing in line for an hour, possibly having people coming up to her or me constantly, to go see something I already have seen. "Is it worth it ? I mean it's just a high tower right ?"

 

"Might there be something you want to tell me Zac ? Like .. hmm lets see that you have been to Toronto several times ?" She says glaring at me. Fuck I am so busted.

*Ivy*  
His cheeks flush and he swallows hard. "Uhh.. well yeah I have been here, but I haven't really gone out and seen anything. So it wasn't really a lie".

 

"Stop it Zac.. I don't know why you lied, but I really hate being lied to". I shake my head, I know nothing worse than men lying. "Sorry but this.. us.. it's not going to happen.. have fun in the tower".

 

He grabs my arm, stopping me. "Please Ivy. It was stupid of me to lie, I.. I just thought it was the only way to get you to say yes. I just wanted to get to know you and hoped that if you got to know me.. well that you might give me a chance".

 

"But I gave you a chance. Against every common sense, I gave you a chance and you lied to me. Sorry but I just can't deal with that". I tell him honestly.

 

Biting his lip he tries again. "It's just, well you .. you are making my head spin so fast I kinda lose my footing. I acted stupidly. Please give me a chance to make it up to you".

 

"Zac it's not just that, it only convinces me I have been right all along. I don't have time for a relationship and honestly I don't want to date someone famous, I just can't deal with the attention". I say, not telling him the feeling I got that we would be so bad for each other.

 

He lets go of my arm. "So what are you saying ? You are not willing to give us a chance at all ? That my career and your life is somehow in the way. Because you can't tell me you don't feel anything, that you don't feel that spark".

 

"Zac I have a brother who is handicapped and need me, and a mother who is sick, who needs me and a teenage sister who needs me. I can't be trying to bend my life around your schedule too, trying to fit it all together.. sorry". I tell him. It does make me sad, under other circumstances I am sure things would have looked different.

 

There is a small glint of hope in his eyes. "So you do feel the same, because you didn't deny it. I just have to make you see it is worth giving a try". He seems almost desperate.

 

"Zac please don't.. yes I do feel it. But you can't build a lasting relationship on attraction or what this is. You are a great guy. You deserve someone who can be yours fully". I try. I mean we have to work together, I don't want it to be to awkward.

 

His smile tells me he isn't letting it go. "Well I guess going sightseeing is out of the question. At least let me give you a lift home".

 

"You know what Zac, I am going to pick up some things and take the bus home. I'll see you thursday for the read through". I say smiling at him. I need to put some distance between us.

 

"Are you sure darling ? I can wait for you to finish". He says, but I just smile and shake my head, already on the run. Yeah I hate being lied to but honestly I am mostly scared, scared for my feelings and my sanity if I let this man get close to me.


	14. Making friends with her family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 4 January 2018

*Ivy*  
When I get home 2 hours later, I am very surprised to find Zac's car parked out front. What is he doing here ? I thought I had made it very much clear that him and me are not going to happen. I take the front steps two at a time, locking myself in. "I am home.. where is everyone ?"

 

Sadie comes running, looking absolutely delighted. "There you are. Oh God Zac is just the coolest. Mom totally loves him".

 

"What is Zac doing here ? And how long has he been here ?" I ask feeling kind of bowled over. He went to my house and charmed my family ?

 

Sadie is bouncing excited up and down. "He has been her one and a half hour. Rang the door and asked for mom. Told her he had messed up badly with you and needed to make amends so you would forgive him and go out with him".

 

"The nerve". I grumble, I hadn't expected him to pull something like this. I can't really run in there yelling at him, would be embarrassing. Damn him he is good.

 

Sadie runs upstairs and I slowly walk further into the house. Wondering what I am going to see. In the kitchen I find my mother making coffee and putting cookies on a plate. She smiles happily as she sees me. "Hi sweetie. Oh why didn't you tell that you have such a wonderful boyfriend ? He is so sweet and such a gentleman".

 

"Because he isn't my boyfriend mom". I say, knowing I sound like a teenager. "He is someone I work with, someone very annoying I work with".

 

"Oh bullock my dear. He is clearly crazy about you. And he is so sorry, so you better forgive him and go out with him". My mom says padding my cheek.

 

I follow my mom, feeling rather dumbfounded, into the living-room, were Zac and Ethan is on the couch watching some hockey game. Ethan clearly explaining the rules to Zac. None of them has seen me as they have their back turned.

 

"Here you go dears, I found some of my home baked cookies too". My mom says, putting the tray down in front of them.

 

Zac turns his attention to my mother. "Thank you so much Mrs Walker. You didn't need to do that. I really shouldn't have cookies, oh what the hell, let me taste one".

 

"Please do call me Adeline. And you don't have to worry about eating a cookie or two my dear". She say, watching as Zac takes a cookie biting into it.

 

He makes a sound that should be illegal due to danger to all women. Running his finger over his lips, collecting the crumbles, then putting the finger into his mouth, licking them of. "Adeline this has to be the best cookie I ever had".

 

"Don't flatter an old woman like that you scoundrel". My mom says blushing slightly and smiling happily. Then she looks at me. "Don't just stand there and glare Ivy, it's not becoming of a woman".

 

Zac turns in the seat, looking up at me. "There you are darling. I was starting to get worried about you. I didn't think you would be out for that long".

 

"Uhh What are you doing here ?" I don't know what else to say. He looks way to comfortable here with my family. Like he belong or something.

 

My mom slaps my shoulder. "Don't talk to your man like that my dear. He has been very worried about you. You should have called him that you would be late".

 

"Now Adeline, don't be so harsh on her. She don't owe me to do anything". Zac says, sending my mom a sweet smile.

 

I am looking at Zac in a way the hopefully tell him that this isn't to be discussed. "Zac, sweetie, could I please just talk to you in private ?"

 

"Sure darling". He says getting up from the couch. He pats my brother on the shoulder. "In case she kills me, thanks for trying to explain hockey to me".

 

Ethan just laughs. "Yeah I am not gonna make any promises with the way she looks. But I will be crossing my fingers for you bro".

*Zac*  
She actually grab my ear, like I am some badly behaved kid. Pulling me along with her, out from the living-room and down a hallway. "You have some nerve coming here making my family love you".

 

"Ouch that hurt". I say rubbing my ear, as she lets go and pushes me into the room, closing the door behind us. Well I took a chance, I tend to do these spur of the moment things sometimes and I felt this was my only chance. "I promise I haven't said that I'm your boyfriend. They just seems to assume".

 

She crosses her arms on her chest glaring at me. "Oh, so what did you say ? I mean I know my sister is a lost cause when it comes to you. But how did you get my mom and brother on your side ?"

 

"Well I told your mother of my intentions, asked for her permission to date you if I can get you convinced and admitted that I had made a big mistake. I shouldn't have lied, I should just have been honest and asked you out". I tell her as truth is. "Your brother, I have just watched hokey with. He is a great guy".

 

Rubbing a hand over her face she resignedly say. "Yeah well, but they clearly all love you. Hell my mom is already planning our wedding and naming her grand kids and that is on you, all on you".

 

"Sorry, I happily take that on me". I say breathing in. "Listen, I just wanted to meet the family that clearly means everything to you. Hoping that when you saw I could get along with them, well you might want to go out with me".

 

She shakes her head, groaning slightly. "Dammit Zac, stop doing that".

 

"Uh doing what ?" I am not really sure to what she is referring.

 

She looks up at me, her hands balled into fists. "Stop saying things that makes me want to kiss you".

 

"You want to kiss me ?" I definitely hadn't expected her to say that. My heart is hammering like crazy right now.

 

Rolling her eyes, she looks everywhere but my eyes. "That wasn't what I said.. of course I don't, why would I want to kiss you ?"

 

"Well yes you kind of did say that.. and why would you want to kiss me, well for the same reasons I would really love to kiss you I hope". I say softly. Little pangs of pain blooming in my chest. What if she don't want me. What if she don't like me ? What if I am not good enough ?

 

She swallows, her tongue swiping out to wet her lips and she looks up at me. "Oh, and why is it that you want to kiss me ?"

 

"Well mostly for the simple reason that I like you, besides that I find you interesting, enticing, beautiful and .. your lips are very inviting". I tell her being totally honest.

 

Stepping closer she places a hand on my chest. "You really have a way with words, knowing how to wind a woman around your fingers".

 

"I am not trying to lure you into anything Ivy. I simply just like you and I just want you to give me a chance". I am not sure what to do. What she will allow me to do.

 

Her other hand lands on my chest to, both hands slowly sliding up on my shoulders. "Dammit Zac, couldn't you just have listened and stayed away ?"

 

"Unfortunately not, my heart won't let me". I grab her around the waist with trembling fingers. I am gentle, scared of hurting her, she suddenly seems so fragile.

 

She laughs, the melody of a song I could listen to for the rest of my life. "You know I'm not going to break, right ? I'm not as delicate as you seem think I am".

 

"I still feel like I'm going to break you. I can't believe I'm doing this, never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be..". She puts a finger to my lips, silencing me.

 

"Just shut up and kiss me." She breathes out. And I lower my head, catching her lips with mine. And I know it sounds like a cliche, but right that moment I know. She is the one, my soulmate, my other half. It is like everything just clicks into place and the universe starts spinning the right way for the first time in forever.

 

She taste like peppermint and her lips are so very soft. She is nibbling on my lip, making my head spin and I wish I could just freeze time and let this moment be forever.


	15. The skee-ball king

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 4 January 2018

*Ivy*  
As he gently pulls his lips away from mine I might whimper just a bit, feeling a loss, wanting those soft lips back on mine were they belong. The kiss had been everything I ever dreamed of and like nothing I ever felt before. My heart is hammering away. I am both happy and scared that I gave into my desire.

 

"So what do you say we go on a date ? I kind of had one planned for after sightseeing". He looks at me with the sweetest smile and a hopeful look in his eyes.

 

I can't help the little smirk spreading on my lips. "Oh so you expected me to want to go on a date with you after ?"

 

"Well more like hoped you wanted to. You know after I won you over with my charm and dazzled you with my wits". He say grinning.

 

I shake my head and lifts one eyebrow. "Keep believing that my dear. But well okay then, it's a date. If you can give me half an hour to change clothes and get ready. What should I dress for ?"

 

"Well depends .. I actually got two options.. there is that fancy french restaurant downtown, should be really good and hard to get a table, but I can get us in if you want.. or we could go to that game place, the fun palace and I could beat your ass in every game there over a beer and a pizza slice ?"

 

"Will you be disappointed if I go for games and pizza ? I mean fancy french places can be fine, but I am more into having some fun". I ask him, biting my lip slightly.

 

He clutches his heart. "A woman right after my heart. No I am happy you prefer that. Well I will go watch the rest of that hockey game with you brother while you get ready".

 

After one more kiss he leaves my room and I take a quick shower and braid my hair into two braids hanging loose from the neck down, so it won't get in the way. I pull on some faux leather leggings and an oversized gray sweater. I don't put on any make-up beside a bit of mascara and my lip gloss. Relaxed and cute if I have to say it myself.

 

"I am ready if you are". I tell Zac as I walk into the living-room, finding him watching hockey with my brother, while answering a stream of questions from Sadie.

 

He gets up from the couch, smiling happily. "Thank you for keeping me company Ethan, it was a pleasure. And Sadie, remember don't post those secrets on twitter okay ? See you both around I am sure".

 

"Oh I never would do that Zac. I hope you trust me on that". Sadie says, looking horrified that Zac might think she would betray him.

 

He smiles and ruffles up her hair. "Of course I trust you sweetie, if I didn't I would never have told you those things in the first place".

*Zac*   
I walk over to Ivy, she looks phenomenal and I know every geek in that place is gonna be envious of me being there with her. "You look marvellous darling".

 

"Thank you Zac, but I am like totally casual here". She say looking down. It is clear to see that she hasn't gotten used to people complimenting her yet. I will make it my mission to compliment her as often as possible.

 

I reach out to ghost my thumb over her lip. "Well I think you look beautiful whatever you wear, but I have to admit you are most sexy to me like this, casual and relaxed".

 

"Again Zac, please stop saying things that makes me want to kiss you". She grumbles and snuggles her face into my chest. "Oh and stop smelling this delicious too".

 

I can't help chuckling. "But Darling it so happens that I kind of want you to want to kiss me.. and just wait til after a couple of table tennis matches, I'll probably reek of sweat and that problem will be solved".

 

"Oh knowing you, your sweat probably smells like roses and hot chocolate". She says, making her brother groan and face-palm himself and Sandie break down in giggling.

 

"Come on we better get going before you make your siblings nauseous". I say chuckling, taking her hand in mine, and pulling her with me.

 

—————————————————————————————————————

We walk into the huge arcade hand in hand. I look around. I am so happy she made this choice. It shows me I was right about her and that we has much in common. And I feel so proud that she is with me, seeing how every man there look at her. "So what do you want to do first ?"

 

"Hmm skee-ball.. we need to play skee-ball". She says pointing to the skee-ball machines and my mood goes up another couple of notches.

 

I take her hand pulling her with me. "Lets get some coins and a couple of beers and then I am going to show you who's the skee-ball king".

 

"Oh you are so going down mr. skee-ball king". She tells my with a cute little smirk, pulling me with her up to the counter.

 

I pull out my wallet and asks for 50 dollars worth of coins and 2 draft beers. "Well let's see about that little lady. But promise not to cry to badly when you loose".

 

We walk over to the lanes and I pick the one on the end. "See this is my favorite lane, the end one, so you are pretty fucked".

 

"Well not now, maybe later". She says winking at me, making me almost drop my beer. My heart racing like crazy. The mere thought of that sends my hormones into overdrive.

 

She chuckles, choosing the lane right next to mine, placing her beer on the edge between the lanes. I bite my lip. "See that is unfair game strategy".

 

Her cheeks flushes slightly, and she giggles softly. "Oh so it did work to distract you from the game then ?"

 

"What do you think you cheeky little tease". I tell her. Focusing on putting a coin in my machine and calming my body before I embarrass myself.

 

She focus on her lane too, but watching her out of the corner of my eye I notice how her shoulders move. Showing that she is breathing a bit fast. "So should we get this game going so you can loose king skee-ball".

*Ivy*  
I can't believe I said that to him. Usually I would stick to thinking things like that. I mean good girls don't say things like that. And I was raised to be a good girl. My father was always very stern that his girls should behave like ladies. But it had just slipped.

 

Feeling his eyes on me has my pulse racing. What is he thinking of me now. I mean already by telling him to kiss me, I had acted like a wanting woman and my father wouldn't have approved of it. My first two balls is all of because I am so worried.

 

"Not as good as we claimed". Zac teases, but then he looks at me and instantly stops. "Ivy is something wrong  ?"

 

"No not at all, just unlucky". I try smiling, to tell him that nothing is wrong. I mean I can't really tell him, can I ? Would he understand ? 

 

He puts down his ball, and come to take mine out of my hand, taking my hands in his. "Darling, something is bothering you. Have I done something wrong ?"

 

"No Zac, not at all". I don't dare looking at him, knowing my cheeks are getting redder by the second. "It was me, what I said to you.. it was.. dirty.. bad".

 

Zac looks confused for a moment, like he don't get what I am talking about. Then he makes a sound, kind of like a audible smile. "Sweetest Ivy, that wasn't bad and not dirty in any bad way.. it was fun and well a bit enticing".

 

"But.. but a real lady don't entice men, that is.. well it is only loose women". I say, feeling my voice shake slightly. It sounds wrong coming out of my mouth and I know it is my father's words, not mine.

 

He pulls a chair over with one hand, sitting down and pulling me down on his lap. "Who told you that ? Because I can hear it isn't your words, so someone else drilled that into your head.. your father ?"

 

"He told me to always be a lady, to never chase a man or entice him. A real lady never speaks crudely". I tell him, looking at my hands.

 

He gently grabs my chin, tilting my head to make me look him into the eyes. "Well maybe your fathers idea of what a real lady is was.. somewhat outdated. You have been acting very much like a lady towards me, you have done nothing wrong and I would never think badly of you for showing passion or desire".

 

"Thank you Zac. I don't know. You kind of have me forget and just act and then after I hear my father's disapproving voice, telling me I need a spanking for being a bad girl". I somehow feel really safe here with him. Safe enough to open a bit.

 

He pulls me into him, kissing my temple. "I know I can't just make it go away like this, with a few words. But you never need to feel like that around me and I promise never to spank you, not really my scene".

 

"That is a relief". I say looking at him. "Thank you for being so understanding. My brain kind of does know he wasn't right, but well he drilled it into me pretty effectively".

 

"You know what, that is just a tiny bump we will iron out with time. Nothing to worry about". He kisses me very softly. "Come let's finish that game, I still need to show you who's the king".


	16. The right kind of attention and the wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 4 January 2018

*Ivy*  
"Did you see that, a perfect goal". I gloat as I put myself ahead by another goal. After a pretty even Skee-ball tournament that Zac ended up winning with sheer luck. I am now 3 goal ahead on the air hockey table.

 

Zac rolls his eyes, putting the puck back on the table. "Well you keep distracting me.. when you focus you kind of pout your lips and then bite it, and well then I can only think about kissing you and forget to play.. so not fair".

 

"Sorry. I didn't mean to". Once again I get that feeling of doing wrong. Why do I keep acting like some evil temptress when I am near him.

 

He puts down his paddle and hurries around the table, pulling me into him. "No darling, don't start that. I happen to love getting distracted by you. Actually you are my favorite distraction".

 

"There it is again Zac. You saying things that makes me want to kiss you". I stretch a bit, slowly pressing my lips against his, silencing my father's voice in my head with the taste of him and the feel of his lips on mine.

 

One of his hands has found its way up under my shirt onto my bare back, caressing my skin, making me feel like my whole body is slowly heating up. The other hand is on my hip. He doesn't seem to mind that people could spot us.

 

"Need to breathe". I mumble as I pull my lips from his, trying to get my head back on straight. Which would be much easier if he wasn't leaving small feathery kisses down my neck, making hot flashes run down my arms and back.

 

He makes an almost humming sound, moving back up ending at the pulse point right under my ear, whispering against my skin. "You taste like strawberry".

 

"Zac behave, people could see us". I say, knowing I am blushing quite badly. I am not used to this kind of attention from a man in public, well not really at all. Not like this. "And we are in the middle of a game".

 

His beard tickles me, and I can feel his lips ghost over my skin as he speaks. "Well I might just be trying to distract you so I can win".

 

"You.. you scoundrel". I push him away, trying to glare at him but the little voice in my head is screaming. 'Well you managed that, you definitely managed that'. And he did, all I can think of now is his lips and hands on my skin.

 

And well as my inner slut is having fantasies about him whispering about strawberries and much naughtier things against my skin and having those hands getting acquainted with every curve of my body. Zac quickly scores 3 points.

 

When he scores one more and is grinning at me, I send him and evil glare. "You are such a cheater Zac, such a cheater".

 

"Me ? No I had no intention of foul play. I just wanted to be close to you. I can't help if you like me". He sends me the cutest smile.

 

"Isn't it getting a bit warm in here ?" I am actually feeling a bit flustered and hot. So I pull of my sweater, revealing my tight fitting t-shirt underneath.. it has a funny face on it, with an ogling eye on each breast.

 

Zac literally drops his paddle, just staring at me with huge eyes, or rather he is looking my boobs in the eyes so to speak. His voice a bit distant. "Cute shirt".

 

"Thanks". I must admit to being torn. My father most definitely wouldn't approve of this T-shirt, not with the way it makes Zac stare at me. But I kind of like him looking at me like that. To be honest it make me feel even more heated. "Let's play".

 

Zac manage to pick up his paddle, but he don't even move as I score on him. He is still just staring at me, his mouth slightly open. "Uhh Zac ? Hallo are you still here ?"

*Zac*  
I am frantically going over my lines in my head, trying to keep the blood flow intact to my brain and not be diverged to other parts of my body. God she looks sexy. And part of me wants to switch back into the predatory mode. No I like her, I don't want to ruin it.

 

"Zac you need to pick up the puck and start the game". She says, trying to conceal a giggle. Had I been less of a gentleman or hadn't she meant this much to me, I would have taken her home right now.

 

"Sure, yeah.. right". I pick up the puck, sending it towards her and as she moves to reach at her breasts bounces slightly. And I forget everything about trying to stop the puck. Which means that she scores again and wins the game.

 

She put down her paddle and walks over, taking the paddle from my hand. "So what now ? A game of table tennis maybe ?"

 

"I uhm what about getting a bite to eat ?" I ask. Admittedly I don't think I can handle watching her playing table tennis. But I don't want to say it. I don't want her to feel wrong. It is on me, my desire for her, not on her.

 

She smiles at me, placing her hand on my arm. "Okay then, let's go see what they have of culinary delicacies on offer".

 

"My lady, let me show you to the banquet hall". I offer her my arm and she takes it. I feel proud having her on my arm.

 

We get up to the counter and look at the options. I know I really shouldn't eat any of it. But well one day should be okay. "I think I'll take a pizza slice and some fries, what about you my dear ?"

 

"Well what about we take a big plate of fries and share it ? And then a corn dog". She says, smiling at me and I nod. I order our food and two more beers and we go sit down.

 

I get up, looking around. "I'll just go get us some ketchup and mayo for those fries". I say and spot the self serving disk behind a half wall.

 

"Could you get some napkins and salt too ?" She asks me and smile, I nod and make my way over to the desk, casting a glance at her, watching how she slide the tip of the corndog into her mouth, biting slowly. Oh God Zac control yourself your pervert, I tell myself and turn my back. Once again reminding myself that I like her, really like her.

 

And of course I manage to knock over a jar of plastic forks, watching several clatter to the floor. I sigh end bend down to pick them up. I seriously need to get control of myself to be able to continue this date, and I like to do that. And I don't want her to think badly of me.

 

Then I hear two men chatting, typical young guys talking about girls and sex. Then one of them laughs crudely. "Oh look at her, damn that is the real thing. She is definitely the hottest woman here".

 

"Hey isn't she that DC chick ? The one that plays Mera.. her costume was so hot". The other one says and I chuckle a bit to myself. She is and well that costume was a nerds wettest dream.

 

The is a bit of silence and the first one says. "I bet you she is a total whore. I mean the way she was in the movie, you could just see she was begging for a good fucking, that wasn't acting".

 

"Yeah and look at the way she is eating that corn dog, that's how a cheap slut does it. I bet you she is up for anything". The other one answer.

 

I am searing with anger by now and about to get up and tell them some truths, teach them a bit about how you treat a lady. I mean yeah I found her way of eating that corndog sexy to, but I kept it in my head and it didn't make me think badly of her. Those guys needs to be teached a lesson in manner.

 

I might have some flaws and I might have used women in my past, but I would never ever speak about a women in that way or even think like that.

 

But before I can say or do anything, the first one call out to Ivy. "Hey sexy.. yeah you with the corndog, I got something bigger you can get in your mouth".

 

"Come on sweetheart, don't come here and look all offended, we know you are dirty. Let me give that shirt an eye exam. You don't wear a shirt like that unless you want someone to grab those titties". The second one says.

 

I lift my head, which makes only my head visible over the wall. "Hey you two dickheads, that is not the way to talk to a lady and especially not my lady".

 

They both turn and look at me, and the first one a blonde guy about 6 feet tall and average building snickers. "Hey isn't this that skinny nerd that thinks he can play a superhero ?"

 

"Oh God yes it is. Better pack it nerd, she is way out of your league anyway". The second guy, a more muscular redhead of about 5'11 says.

 

I pull myself up to my full height, and step around the half wall, making them both look up at me slack jawed. "Excuse me ! What did you say ? I think both of you need to apologise to Ivy right now, or I am going to tie you into a fucking pretzel. Got it ?"

 

"Oh shit". The blond mutters as I step closer. I am normally not a violent person, but I am most definitely ready to make an exception for these two. "We.. we didn't know she was you woman. Sorry man".

 

"I am not the one you owe an apology. Ivy is, she is not an object for you to spew your nasty fantasies at. She is a woman, a great one and a strong one and she deserves only respect". I tell him, pointing to Ivy who looks very much upset.

 

The blonde one turns to Ivy. "Sorry ma'am.. he is right, we had no right to say things like that". He turns to look at me, like he is checking if it was okay.

 

"Now tell her it wasn't her fault, it had nothing to do with what she wears or what she was doing, it was all you and your sleazy mind". I tell him.

 

He turns back towards her. "It was, you just looked so beautiful.. I know stupid way of trying to make contact.. sorry you did nothing to deserve that. I hope you can forgive me".

 

"It's okay". Ivy say, her voice low. Her eyes catching mine. She is still uncertain, but I also sees resolve there and strength.

 

I take a step forward, and the blonde jumps slightly. "Now piss of before I change my mind, and remember this the next time you feel like saying things like that to a woman".

 

"Not you, you still owe an apology, a big one". I glare at the red headed guy, as the blonde scuttles away like the wormin he is.

 

He rolls his eyes at me. "Do you really think you can scare me ? Just because you have bulked up on roids. You are still a geek and she was begging for the attention".

 

"That's it.. ". I am about to step forward and grab the guy, making him beg her forgiveness. 

 

But Ivy is faster, she gets up, slamming her knee into his balls making him crumble on the floor with a squeak. "Like I would want anything from you.. not your sleazy attention and definitely not you miniature dick, so fuck off".


	17. Public debauchery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 4 January 2018

*Ivy*  
I watch Zac grab the idiot and haul him out of there. I don't know what got into me. I am sure good girls don't knee people in the balls. But I had just gotten so angry, both about what he said to me, but also what he said to Zac.

 

If Zac hadn't been there I would probably have broken down and ran away. But he gives me strength somehow. Maybe it is his faith in me. The fact that I know I have his support no matter what, because that I am starting to realise that I do.

"I have lost my appetite". I look at my food. If it makes men think badly of me. Think that I am trying to entice them, I don't want to eat it.

 

Zac kneels down in front of me, not caring that people are looking. "Darling, don't let idiots like them get your down. Don't let them control you. You haven't done anything wrong, don't ever let them make you think that".

 

"You heard what they said about me.. I don't want to be that kind of woman. To make men think like that". I tell him.

 

He looks into my eyes, his thumbs slowly rubbing over the backside of my hands. "Ivy.. you are not that kind of woman.. but you are beautiful and sexy and well famous, and that makes creeps like these think they are entitled. They are the ones that are wrong, not you".

 

I don't know what to say, my brain tells me that he is right, that it isn't my fault. But when you grew up getting taught things are a certain way, it is difficult to change. He smiles at me. "By the way, I am so proud of you for that knee, way to go darling".

 

"Thank, I hit him pretty good didn't I ?" I can't help smiling, I am proud that I stood up for myself. It felt good, I felt strong.

 

He smiles and kiss my nose as he gets up. "You surely did, he was still crying when I threw him out on his ass. But you know what, let's forget them and eat our food".

*Zac*  
"So still think I smell good ?" I say laughing, as Ivy snuggle into me. We had just finished a pretty fast paced dance of on one of those let's dance machines, so I am feeling pretty sweaty by now, having also played 3 games of table tennis. Luckily she got her good mood back, she even ended up eating most of her food.

 

She buries her face in my chest taking a deep breath, letting out a low humming sound. Making every hair on my body stand on ends, in the very best way. "Uhm I definitely do, if anything you smell even better".

 

I nuzzle my face into her hair, then slowly ghost my nose down along her jawline, kissing her softly right under her ear, letting her taste and smell wash over me. "Now you also smell like strawberries".

 

"Zac, you can't say things like that". She giggles, and pulls up her shoulder to stop me from kissing her neck. "Your beard tickles".

 

I nuzzle my cheek against hers, making her squirm. "Oh so it does, well it will be gone pretty soon when we start shooting, Shazam is not allowed to have a beard".

 

"Actually I love your beard, and I like the way it tickles". She look up at me, and the glint in her eye makes me swallow hard.

 

She reach up, running her hand up my cheek, her nails scraping over my skin, running through my beard, making an uncontrollable groan rise from my chest. I got a feeling that this woman is going to drive me absolutely insane in the very best way.

 

Her other hand goes to grab my face too, kissing me first softly, but within seconds her tongue plunge into my mouth and it turns heated. Making me happy that we are standing inside kind of a niche in the room, with no one else around. My head is spinning and my body floods my brain with one signal, one need.

 

I don't even realise what I am doing before I have her hoisted up, her legs folded around my hips. I have her pressed into the wall in a dim corner. My mouth exploring the soft skin on her neck. My voice hoarse. "Now when you are the good girl, do I get to be your bad boy ?"

 

"Zac !" She looks at me her eyes blown wide. Then she leans forward, her hot breath fanning over my ear. "You can be as bad as you want to, just take me home first. I am sure the studio won't be happy about public debauchery".

 

She don't have to say that twice and I quickly put her down on her feet. I am about ready to drag her with me, but I need to calm myself. I don't want to scare her. "Are you sure darling ? Don't do anything you don't want to". I am actually very unsure that it is good for me to rush it like this.

 

"Zac, take me home, but better go to your place". She whispers softly, lacing her fingers with mine. And I quickly lead her out to the car, my whole body humming in anticipation. I need to watch out that I stay below the speed limit.. luckily my rented apartment is close by.


	18. Breaking bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 4 January 2018

*Zac*  
When we get to the hotel apartment I have rented for my almost 5 months stay, I suddenly start feeling nervous. What if I scare her or disappoint her ? What if I can't read her and do something wrong ? Is this to early ? Should we wait till we know each other better ?

 

"Something wrong Zac ?" She ask, when she sees my hand shaking slightly as I try to undo the door. I take a deep breath, managing to get it up, leading her inside.

 

"I just.. well I don't think you doubt that I really want this". I tell her, stepping closer to her, taking her hands in mine. "Honestly I am just scared, scared that I can't live up to you expectations.. scared that I am pressuring you, that it is to quick. I just want everything to be perfect".

 

She smiles softly, squeezing my hands. "And that is exactly why I want to. I feel safe with you and I trust you. And Zac I don't have any expectations".

 

I lean down, kissing her slowly, my hands grabbing her waist. She presses herself against me, her hands sliding up under my shirt on my back, her nails grazing over my skin, sending jolts of pleasure through me.

 

Slowly pulling her with me, I manage to find my way to the bedroom, and open the door, without breaking the kiss. I pull her with me inside and push the door closed. We both moan into the kiss, our breaths mixing as our tongues play a game of cat and mouse.

 

Her hands pull at my shirt, and I break the kiss to let her pull it off me. She bite her lip as her eyes run over my chest, then her hands follow. I have to admit I am still getting used to my new body. People finding my body attractive is a new thing to me.  
I reach up removing first one elastic band from her hair, then the other. Letting my fingers slowly loosen her hair from the braids, then run through through it, rubbing over her scalp, hearing a soft moan escape her lips.

 

"I love your hair". I whisper. And it feels like silk running my hands through it. I weave my hands into it, tugging lightly, making her move closer, to kiss her again, more heated, her hands roaming over my chest and shoulders.

*Ivy*  
God him touching my hair, running his big hands through it, playing with it, it has me a hot mess. My hair is very sensitive, but he seems to know exactly how to do it to make it feel utterly amazing.

 

We fall on the bed in a tangled mess of wandering limbs, our lips never leaving each other. When my shirt falls away and my chest is exposed, as I am not wearing a bra. He gasps and his eyes goes wide.

 

Instantly feeling insecure, I try to cover up, but he won't let me. Gently grabbing my hands, lacing our fingers. "No, don't you dare. Let me see you". 

 

"And what do you see ?" I ask him, expecting him to say something nice about my boobs, that is what most men would do.

 

"Your soul, your heart, your beauty". He tells me softly. His eyes burning into mine.  
His hands finds my breasts, kneading them slowly and thoroughly. His voice is a low growl. "But these are so fucking gorgeous too darling, just begging to be played with".

 

His fingers close around my nipples, pinching then lightly, tugging at them, and I gasp, my head is already spinning. "Please stop Zac, it's to much. Oh God, don't stop". My body feels on fire and I am kind of babbling.

 

"A bit indecisive darling ? Well I better help you make up your mind then". He looks up at me with a smirk and then lowers his head sucking on my nipple, making me scream out in pleasure. When he move to the other nipple I look down, to see my nipple standing up, hard and very sensitive.

 

His mouth moves down over my body, leaving trails of kisses and soft bites, murmuring against my skin. "Still want me to stop darling ?"

 

"No, no, no please don't stop". All I want is to feel more of him, to have him touch me, kiss me. It feels like some uncontrollable urge, an urge that pushes all those warnings about being a good girl away, letting something more primal take over.

 

He grabs my pants and panties, pulling both of me in a swift move, and once again that feeling of wanting to hide takes over. I mean the light is on and he can see every inch of me clearly. I might be more of a lights of girl.

 

"I can hear you worry from down here darling". Zac says looking up at me. His warm tongue slowly licking a path up my inner thigh. "Don't start doubting yourself, you are beautiful in every way". His tongue runs up the other thigh.

 

I feel nervous and a bit scared telling him this, but I feel I need to. "It's just my last boyfriend called me uptight and boring in bed. I am unsure what to do".

 

"You don't need to do anything but enjoy. Let go of the past and relax. Forget anything bad you have been told and just be here.. now". He says softly. His long fingers gently opening my flower down there, making me pull up my knees, spreading my knees more. His tongue slowly runs from the bottom and all the way up to skim over my aching clit.

 

He start labbing at me like he has been lost in the desert and I am water, licking, kissing, sucking.. pushing any thought of being a good girl out of my mind. There is only place for him and what he is doing to me.

 

Then he pushes two fingers into my molted center, making me gasp and press against his hand. It feels like my blood has turned electrified, sending sparks through my body, pooling just below my belly button, making pearls of sweat spring forward on my skin.

 

"Let go baby, just feel.. you deserve pleasure and I love seeing you give into it". He mumbles against me, before I even realised that I had started to tense up. Then he starts tabbing a spot inside me and my mind goes blank, swiped clean by intense pleasure.

 

Soon after my whole body stiffens, as a wave of heat and cold crashes over me, making me gasp his name. Then my body relaxes, taking over by a serene calm. I sigh and mumbles. "Shit is that what an orgasm feels like ?"

 

"Seriously you never.. not even on your own ?" He looks at me, eyes wide with surprise.

 

I shake my head. "I.. well none of my boyfriends, not that I have had many.. but none of them managed and well I never tried on my own, my dad taught me that, well good girls don't touch themselves".

 

"Well then we have a lot to make up for my darling". He tells me softly, before kissing me. He manages to roll onto his back, pulling me on top of him.

*Zac*  
I let her take the lead for now, wanting her to gain more confidence. I grab her hips as she straddles my stomach, and she leans down kissing me greedily, her hands running into my hair, pulling at it lightly, sending small jolts of pleasure through me.  
  She is kissing down my neck and down over my chest, suddenly sucking on my nipple making me moan out, bucking my hips up against her. "Oh fuck baby, that feels so good".

 

  Her smile is teasing, as she open my pants, pulling them of along with my boxers, freeing me. Then she grabs my throbbing cock, letting her hand caress me. The look on her face and the curious way she changes the pressure and pace gives me a feeling that she isn't exactly used to this. "God.. darling that's perfect".

 

She blushes slightly. But I can see she likes hearing it and she keeps eye contact as she lifts herself up and slides down on it, making me growl as her body embraces me fully, fuck she feels so fantastic.

 

I love how she is teasing me, sliding herself all the way up, only keeping the tip inside, then snapping her hip down on me bottoming out, rolling her eyes back in her head. She is feeling more confident already and it is so sexy.

 

Watching her is actually almost as good as the feeling of her on me. The look of pleasure on her face the the most erotic sight ever, the scent of her, a mix of her juices and her sweat is an unparalleled aphrodisiac. I want to drown in the feel, smell and sight of her.

 

  "Oh God darling, that feels so good, keep doing that". I grab her bouncing breasts, playing with her nipples. I can feel her tighten around me every time she goes up, feeling like her inside is massaging me, making it hard to concentrate and even harder not to give in.

 

  As she ups her tempo, I know my eyes are rolling back in my head and I gasp out, grabbing her hips, using all my willpower to let her control the tempo and not thrust myself to hard up into her.

 

  "Oh God baby, that is.. Oh fuck.. Wow". I am not really capable of a coherent sentence, so I let my body speak, thrusting up to meet her. The sound of our sweat slick skin colliding only heightening the pleasure.

 

  I am almost done for, feeling my cock starting to twitch. And In a flash I turn her under me, hooking her legs up on my hips. Giving into the desire to take her hard and fast. She gives out little gasps of pleasure with each trust, mumbling "Oh God" over and over.

 

I can feel she is right on the edge too and I gasp out the words. "Cum with me baby, let me see you cum". And she does, screaming my name, making it the best sound in the world, pulling me with her, making me cum so hard, all I can do is growl in a very primal way.

 

Sex with someone you care about, sober and clear in the head, it just beats everything else by miles, no doubt. Honestly I haven't had sex like that many times.

 

  I collapse on top of her and she just holds onto me, I snuggle my face into her neck, trying to get my breathing right. Suddenly there is a creaking sound and the bed seems to fall.


	19. Igor, the monster in the closet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 4 January 2018

*Ivy*  
"Shit, we broke your bed". I put a hand over my mouth, trying not to laugh as I look over the side. Yup the mattress that had been up on 4 legs was now on the floor. 

 

Zac leans over me, looking at the short way to the floor. "Whoops, did I do that ? I guess we did break it. I might have gotten a bit to enthusiastic".

 

"Well you probably better make up a story and call them to fix it". I tell him, happy I am not the one having to make that call.

 

He shakes his head pulling me on top of him. "Nah I think I'll leave it on the floor for now, so it won't happen again. And leaves no room for a monster to move in under the bed".

 

"Oh because you still believe in the monster under the bed ? Do you also believe in the one in your closet ?" I ask him giggling.

 

He puts his hand over my mouth. "Shh you don't want him to hear you say that, he would be very hurt, his name is Igor by the way".

 

"You are absolutely bonkers". I tell him after removing his hand from my face. "And now I am going to take a shower".

 

I roll out of bed and try to get up, but my legs simply gives in and I fall back down on the mattress. Zac catches me. "Uhh hello there, falling for me ?"

 

"Ha ha ha.. are you always such a comedian after sex ? No I got dizzy and my legs kind of gave in". I say, sitting up a little slower.

 

He rolls onto his stomach, trailing a finger up my spine. "Hmm that happens sometime when the body has been .. uh shaken to the core".

 

"Confident aren't we now". I let myself fall back, my head resting on his lower back. "So sure it was all your fault ?"

 

"Yeah kind of". He chuckles, and I get up again, teasingly slapping his ass, hmm that really is a nice ass by the way, before heading for the shower, this time managing to stay on my legs.

*Zac*  
I walk into the bathroom, seeing her lean into the shower, stretching up a bit to turn on the water, her shoulders raised slightly to hold her arms. Her shoulder blades visible, tensed under her skin. The ribs in her back, down the narrowing curve to her waist. The gentle, exquisite shape of her ass, with just the slightest hint of a tan line, diagonally across her cheeks. Down her thighs with the shape of regular toning exercise or maybe regular walking not big but toned under the skin. Her calves gently shaped and taught. She really is sexy and beautiful.

 

The entire image burns onto the inside of my eyelids, God I want to kiss that back from top to bottom, then down the legs coat her nakedness in kisses. I still believe her to be far out of my league, luckily she just haven't realised.

 

I step up behind her, my hands grabbing her hips, my mouth kissing her neck softly. She turns in my arms, smiling up at me. "Oh you want to join me".

 

"You bet yourself I do". I send her a cheeky grin back. My hands are taking great pleasure just by touching the skin around her waist, her head nuzzles into my neck. I can feel all her body against mine, her thighs, her stomach, the pressure of her breasts, flattened against my chest, and her rigid nipples, almost biting into my skin, telling me of her passion.

 

She kisses my neck. "Mmmmmmmmmmm." Escapes me, oh how I love that, she kisses firmer on the tendons of my neck, making my legs feel weak.

 

I lead her to the shower, she steps in stretching her arms to test the water. It's just right, she steps in and I watch as I stand behind her, the water flattens her hair to her body, water falls over her skin in tiny droplets, I love a wet body and wet hair, especially hers.

 

I love the way water flows. As a child I would watch droplets race down a window, as an adult, I watch droplets cascade like a rolling ball, sucking in the next downhill droplet, and depositing a trail of tiny droplets behind, from a shoulder, down the curve of a pert breast, the pause on the nipple before the leap off like a base jumper on his latest mission.

 

I watch them roll down her chest between her breasts as her nipples stiffen further and her hands wash the water all over her.

 

I pick up the sponge and the body scrub. Squeeze some onto the sponge and rub her shoulders. As I do the soapy bubbles roll down her back, in and out of all the curves, like a child on one of those giant slides they have at the fairground, the bubbles speed up as they travel over all the curves, of her shoulders, down her back, roll over the top of her ass, move back in on her cheeks, the underside of her ass, then speed up over the less curved areas of her thighs and a final bump over her calves.

 

My hands grab her again, my tongue starting to trace the droplets over her skin, and she moans and squirm. Her hands massaging my chest and shoulders.

*Ivy*  
Damn his body really is amazing, those huge biceps, strong wide shoulders, his muscular chest with the dark hair and the flat stomach, with just the hint of a six-pack. Oh damn I think I could touch him forever, constantly finding new sexy parts.

 

I am almost climbing him, trying to get as close to him as possible, and he grabs my thighs, lifting me up, holding me against the wall with his body. The water running over us, pooling between us before running down to the floor. "What do you want Ivy ?" He mumbles hoarse against my shoulder, his voice laced with passion.

 

"You, oh God I want you so badly". I moan and his lips claims mine, kissing me deeply, as he thrust into me, stretching me to my limit, making my world spin.

 

We are kissing passionately, it is tongue and moans, my hands raking over him as it whimper with each thrust, losing ourself in the total abandonment of passion.

 

As I am swept from this world by a core shaking orgasm, I bite into his shoulder not to scream. Making him pound into me chasing his own end, reaching it a few thrusts later, groaning deeply with his release, resting his forehead against mine.


	20. Remembering the past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> August 1994

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for memory of child abuse.. the story is fictional but based on Zac telling that his mother abused him as a child and broke his confidence, something he has only resently truely worked through.

*Zac*  
I am splayed on the living-room floor with my gameboy in my hands, playing a game. Apparently my mother, already a bit drunk fails to see my long legs, stumbling over them. Before I can say anything she turns, kicking at my knee. "What are you doing on the floor you fucking idiot".

 

"Sorry mom". I say, rubbing my leg. It hurt, especially since my legs seems to be growing like weed, the muscles and tendons already quite sore. "I was just playing my game".

 

I see the change in her face, often I don't get what I did wrong. Why she gets so angry with me. Apparently I have provoked her in some way. "Always those stupid games.. go outside for God's sake, get some friends or a girlfriend".

 

Keeping quiet is usually the best thing to do, not angering her. But for some reason Shekinah comes barging in, glaring at mom. "Zac has lots of friends. And there is a girl that really likes him too".

 

"Yeah other nerds". She slumps down on the couch. "Why couldn't I get a real boy, a handsome boy. Someone who would play football or baseball ?"

 

I get up. I hate when my mother drinks. It is always about her. What she wants and she deserves and is kids, especially me, never lives up to that. "Sorry mom, for being such a disappointment".

 

She glares at me as I scuttle of, feeling like I am just a waste of space here. My mom tends to make me feel like that, ugly, unworthy, not good enough.

 

I haven't dared tell her that I want to be an actor, she would laugh at me, tell me that I am to gangly and ugly, and probably to stupid.

 

Sarah stays out with her friends as much as possible and I try to protect Shekinah, even though she seems stronger than me. So usually I get the worst of it. Maybe also because I remind her the most of dad.

 

I walk out into the kitchen, taking out some sandwich bread and some peanut butter, wanting to make a sandwich. But before I can start, my mom come out into the kitchen. "Are you eating again ? You'll end up ugly and fat then, then no girl will ever want you".

 

"I was just hungry". I look down at the table. She is often telling me how ugly I am. It must be right, I mean a mother is supposed to love her kids no matter what. If my mother finds me ugly, I must be.

 

She is just standing there, watching me. It always makes me nervous. And when I pick up the jar, wanting to open it, it slips from my fingers, smashing on the floor. Instantly I feel the tears burn behind my eyes.

 

"What the fuck are you doing you imbecile idiot ?" She is right in my face, screaming at me. "Can't you do anything right ?"

 

I feel how I start to shake slightly, trying to make myself small, as the tears stream down my face. "Sorry, I didn't mean to".

 

"I didn't mean to". She says in a mocking voice. "You never mean to right. You just keeps doing stupid things, sometimes I just want to smack you so hard, just to see if that could get that brain of yours into gear".

 

I can't help it, so I start sobbing. Not really knowing what to do. It is like my brain shuts down. "Sorry, it was an accident".

 

"Buhu bawling like a baby over nothing. Clean it up and then fuck of to your room". She says in an acidic tone.

 

I scramble to clean it up as fast as possible, managing to cut myself but I ignore it and finish up. Hurrying to my room and throwing myself on the bed, were I curl up crying.

January 2018  
"Zac, Zac!" I hear my name called and blink my eye open, finding myself rolled into fetal position, crying in my sleep. Ivy is looking at me with concern. "Is something wrong Zac ?"

 

I try getting myself under control. I can't let her see what a mess I am. She would think me crazy I am sure. "Just a bad dream darling. Nothing to worry about".

 

"Are you sure ? What was it about ? Do you want to talk about it. You sounded so distraught". She gently brushes the damp hair from my forehead.

 

"I can't really remember, lets just sleep". I say, pulling her into my arms, listening to her breathing to calm me. Finally drifting back to sleep.


	21. Goodbye for now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 19 January 2018

*Ivy*  
"I'm gonna miss you so much". I whine. I am currently splayed across Zac's mattress, naked after yet another round of mind blowing sex. Those last week has been so amazing in many ways, and it has taught me alot about me. Like that I can be adventures and fun in bed but also that I can be extremely jealous.

 

He flops down beside me, and seconds later his warm tongue is running over my skin. "I'll miss you too Freckles. Actually have I told you how sexy these freckles on your back is ?"

 

"Only like a million time". I giggle as he moves to lay on top of me, leaving kisses all over my back, and I feel his erection growing against my behind. "Zac you need to pack".

 

He is going on a 4 day trip back to LA before we start actually shooting the film and well I don't like it. I don't like him being away from me or is it me being away from him ? Well I just don't like it. There is so many women out there, willing to throw themselves at his feet.

 

But I haven't told him this. I mean I know most people hate their partner being jealous, and he has given me no reason not to trust him, so I keep it to myself. I just have to work with my self-esteem and learn to control it.

 

"Uhh what if I don't want to ? If I rather spend my time making love to you ?" He slides down beside me and I turn on my side, looking at him. As always he looks so handsome it takes my breath away.

 

He smiles at me, in a way that never fails to make me blush. "Do you mind ? Stop smiling at me like that"

 

"I can't help it. You're so perfect". He says softly.

 

I blush even more and shrug my shoulders. "I'm far from it". 

 

He shake his head and sigh. "I hate when you think of yourself as nothing You're so beautiful and amazing. You may not be perfect to someone else, or to even yourself, but you're perfect in my eyes".

 

"You give good advice". I tell him, my fingers tracing over his chest.

 

He sends me a cheeky grin and a wink. "I know."

 

"Maybe you should start taking it". I look into his hazel eyes, he seems in deep thought as to what I might mean by that. But another thing I have noticed, is him often putting himself down. Not feeling good enough, doubting himself.

 

He scrunches up his brow. "What ?"

 

"I mean, you always call everyone beautiful and courageous and mean it, but how is it that the most beautiful person, you, doesn't realize that you are all of those things and more ?" I tell him truthfully.

 

He rubs his neck and bite his lip, looking uncomfortable. "I am nothing special Freckles, just someone trying to do his best, but all to often failing".

 

"No you are not. You want me to believe more in myself, but you need to do that too. You are my hero". I tell him and lean in to kiss him softly.

 

He gets up and get his bag packed and I get dressed, as he has promised to drive me back to my moms house before leaving for the airport.

 

Outside my home he kills the engine and turn to look at me. For some reason I am suddenly nervous about what to say and do. "Safe travels, call me when you get there okay ?"

 

"Kiss me like you love me". He say, taking my face in between his large hands, his thumb doing this circling motion in my cheeks that makes it hard for me to concentrate, his eyes pleading and begging for something I can't pinpoint. And it suddenly feels like I'm holding his life in my palm and I'm both his saviour and destruction. That I could crush him with just a word, kill him, stab him, and he would still love me.

 

"I can't". I say. The pain that crosses in his eyes shoots directly in my heart I press my lips lightly on his.

 

"I can't, for I already do. I love you Zac".

 

"I love you too Freckles, so very very much, please remember that no matter what". He says leaning in to kiss me softly. Oh to hear him say those words, makes my heart jump into a frenzy.

*Zac*  
I lace my fingers with hers as we walk inside, I want to say goodbye to her family too, having gotten real close with all of them. She truly have a great family, always making me feel loved and welcome. It almost feel like I finally have a caring mom.

 

"Oh hi kids. So you are on your way to the airport Zac ? We are all going to miss you even though it is only a short time". Her mom comes over to hug me and I hug her back. "Now be careful and tell your family hallo".

 

I smile, as I lost my own mom some years ago it is really nice having a spare mom. "I will darling and I can't wait for you to meet my family".

 

"You are such a good boy". She says, padding my cheek, making Ivy giggle, trying to hide it behind her hand. I don't mind, even though she isn't quite right. I am not good, not really.

 

I tickle Ivy, making her squirm and giggle, trying to get away. Then there is a high pitched squeal. "Zac, I thought you left without saying goodbye, I would so have kicked you".

 

"Like I would leave without telling my jellybean goodbye". I say, catching her as she jumps into my arms, hugging me. I hug her back, giving her a kiss on the forehead before sitting her down. "Behave till I get back".

 

"You better behave too, because you know that I will know everything you do, so no flirting with any girls". Sadie says looking at me like a mother scolding her kid.

 

I can't help chuckling, but Ivy shakes her head. "Stop sounding like a creepy stalker Sadie, it is a bit weird you know".

 

"It's okay Freckles, let her have her fun, I have nothing to hide". I say, pulling Ivy into me, kissing her softly, waving at Sadie who disappears back upstairs.

 

She snuggles into me. "It is just a bit weird having my baby sister being obsessed with my boyfriend. I am just happy you haven't made some juice sex scenes and things like that.. I mean that would be so weird having her watch that".

 

"Yeah okay, maybe a bit. But it is all perfectly innocent and she is a good kid". I tell her. Actually I kind of see Sadie as my own baby sister.

 

We walk into the living-room, Ethan is watching a hockey game. I truly admire his strength. He is always positive despite having been in a wheelchair his whole life. "Hey E, are the maple leafs winning ?"

 

"Hey Z-man.. well looking hard right now". Ethan says smiling, holding up his hand and I give him the usual high five. "Remember that high five is not for banging my sister... so you are of to La la land ?"

 

"Ethan !" Ivy groans, sometimes I get the feeling that she is slightly embarrassed by her siblings. "Do you have to be so gross".

 

Ethan just grins at her. "Well not having a sex life of my own, you are kind of the only one I have to live vigorously through".

 

"Stop teasing your sister E". I say, sitting down. "Yup I am of to the land of movie stars and silicone boobs for a couple of days".

 

"Hey bring me something ?" Ethan says.

 

I look at him, arching my eyebrow. "What do you want ?"

 

"Some of those boobs wouldn't be to bad". He says winking at me, making Ivy roll her eyes and leave the room, muttering something about men.


	22. Figthing of the demons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 20 January 2018

*Ivy*  
"I miss you". I sigh into my phone. It is the next afternoon and Zac has been gone less than a day. He has just finished his interview and is calling from the car. I am splayed out on my bed, sad he isn't here with me.

 

"I miss you too Freckles". His voice soft, and just the sound of it sends warm waves through me. "So any plans for tonight darling ?"

 

I shake my head, then remembers that we are on the phone. "No, I think we are going to have a family night, watch some movie on netflix and eat popcorn. What about you ?"

 

"Going to watch a basket game with a friend, maybe going out for a couple of drinks after". He says. "Nothing wild".

 

Feeling that pang of jealousy again, the question spring up in my head. Who is he going with ? Will there be girls ? Will he get offers if he goes out ? No stop it Ivy. "Have a fun evening then. I can't wait for you to get back".

 

"It would be more fun with you here. And I can't wait to get back either. Love you Freckles". He says making my heart swell.

 

"I love you too Zac. Talk to you tomorrow". We say good-bye and we hang up. I look at my ceiling, wondering when I went from not wanting to date him, to him being my whole universe.

 

I get of the bed, walking downstairs. An evening of films and popcorn with my family will be nice, I haven't seen enough of them lately, spending all my time with Zac. Even though he seems to love spending time with my family.

*Zac*  
I put down the phone, smiling to myself. I really do miss her, but I kind of like that, it means that she is special, that I really care about her. And I do, I love her. I have sworn to myself that I am done with my old ways, this relationship is one I am not going to fuck up. 

 

Maybe I should have said no to go out. I mean I know there will be temptations, of every kind and I know it won't be easy. But it had been to much of a temptation when Yvonne called that she was in town and had tickets to the game, it's been a long time since I saw her. No I can do this.

 

Actually this might be a good thing. I mean Yvonne always kind of had a good effect on me, looking out for me. She won't let me screw up if I tell her about Ivy.

 

I get ready, knowing there are more eyes on me now, more cameras, which means I need to think more about how I look and how I act in public.

 

The game is fun and it is great seeing Yvonne again. It has been a long time since we spend time together. Funnily people always start rumours when we are seen together, they apparently really like to see us as a couple. But nothing ever happened between me and Yvonne, we are just friends.

 

We are sitting in the bar, having a beer and a couple of shoots. I am telling her about Ivy and she is smiling at me. "I'm so happy for you Zac, she sounds like a great girl. So don't screw this one up okay ? You deserve to be happy. Don't sabotage yourself".

 

"Thank. I am not going to. I love her. I would do anything to keep her and to make her happy". I say and it is the truth. She is the first woman that really makes me want to fight the demons.

 

Yvonne looks at me. "Have you told her Zac ?" I shake my head. "Well maybe you should, be totally honest.. and well maybe get some more professional help".

 

"It just seems so.. well like you are really fucked up". I say. I don't really like the idea of telling some stranger with a degree more about my life and get that 'it comes from your childhood' speech. "Remember I tried that, wasn't really my thing. But I have gotten it under control, so it helped".

 

She pads my hand. "Just think about it sweetie. I know it didn't really work for you back then, but you know you have gotten more mature and maybe it was just that one therapist".

 

"I'll think about it, but right now I prefer drowning it with a couple of shots". I say grinning and orders two more shots.

*Yvonne*  
I look at Zac as he knocks back another shot. I will have to start watch him, make sure he don't get to drunk. If he does, one thing seems to lead to another and he'll end up doing something stupid that he'll regret tomorrow. I sense he really likes this Ivy and he deserves happiness, despite his flaws, he is actually a really great guy, just not the best boyfriend.

 

Well that is probably the main reason nothing ever happened between us, we were really close back then, but I quickly discovered what happened when he had a bad day, and that was just something I didn't want to get involved in. He has gotten better with age, the downs are not so frequent from what he tells and it only happens when alcohol clouds his brain.

 

Some guy comes over, I can see him checking over Zac, no doubt he has dealt with him before. He slides closer, putting his hand on Zac's arm, whispering something in his ear. 

 

I hurriedly lean over, putting my hand on Zac's other arm, looking him straight in the eyes when he turns his head to look at me. "Don't do it Zac.. Remember your promise, remember Ivy".

 

"You are right sweetie, thanks". He takes a deep breath and look at the man, shaking his head. "Thanks, but no thanks. I don't need anything".

 

The man scuttles of and I pad his arm. "I am proud of you, Zac 5 years ago had not said no after those shots".

 

"You are right. You know what ? I probably should get back to the hotel. I think I had enough". He say, putting down his glass.

 

I get up from my chair. "You know what Zac, that sounds really sensible. Let's call it a night and go get a cap".

 

Feeling kind of relieved when we leave the bar. There is no doubt Zac is very serious about this Ivy girl. I really hope he can stay out of trouble, both for his sake and for hers. I hug him, telling him we need to be better to keep in touch, before getting him in a cap.


	23. Bachelor party, wedding and divorce

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2014

June 13 2014  
*Zac*  
"Zac you need to relax okay". Eric says, trying to get through to me. We are in a rented house in Maui, celebrating my bachelor party with a few close friends. "Zac you are getting married tomorrow, you need to be able to stand on your legs".

 

"It's my last night of freedom, the last chance for a little fun and debauchery". I say, reaching out to pinch one of the sparsely clad women on the ass, making her giggle and wink at me.

 

Eric is rubbing his face. "Zac, it is not too late to change your mind. This is a mistake and you know it, don't go through with it".

 

"I can't bail now Eric, that would be cruel". I say shaking my head. It had been a spur of the moment decision, proposing and planning this secret wedding. "Missy gets me, it is going to work out".

 

Sighing Eric looks at me, like he wish he could say something he can't, then he shakes his head. "This is gonna end badly Zac and you know it".

 

He might be right, the whole reason for this marriage is wrong and I am freaking out. I have started to realise that my dream of a real family, a happy family is slipping through my hands. Who would take a chance on me with my past ? Hell I still slip up once in a while. Then I met Missy again, we used to date and she is one of the few girlfriends who has been in on all the crazy stuff. She knows my past, hell she has done all the things with me. And I went for it, thinking she can accept the slip ups, because she knows that part of me.

 

And now I sit here at my bachelor party, kind of freaking out. What will everyone say to us marrying ? Probably that it is a cover up, a beard. It is a cover up, but not for me being gay, it's for me being a shrew up. Funny how I am picked for gay again and again. I mean I probably slept with more woman than most men and I most definitely have never been drunk enough to sleep with a man. But apparently I am really good at hiding my tracks.

 

"Hi handsome, looking for some fun ?" A blonde wearing a bikini top and a very skimpy skirt straddles my lap, her rather pronounced cleavage almost in my face.

 

I grab her hips, sending her a cheeky smile. "Oh all the fun you can bring darling, it is my bachelor party after all".

 

"Well then let's party". She pulls out a vial from her cleavage, pulling one breast free of the top, leaving a line of coke down her breast, ending at her nipple. "All for you big boy".

June 14 2014  
"Wake up Zac, you need to be ready in an hour". Someone pulls open the curtains and I groan. My head hurt and it kind of tastes like I licked an ashtray. Eric kicks the bed. "I told you so, now get up".

 

I rub my face. "I am so going to regret this aren't I ? Not just last night, but this whole marriage thing. It is gonna backfire in my face right ?"

 

"Yeah probably". Eric says, pulling of my blanket. "Shower now, too late to back down. And by the way I threw out the trash an hour ago, I didn't think you wanted anyone to see her leave your room".

 

"Thanks Eric, you are a life saviour". I say, getting up and accepting the pills he hands me. Then I head for the shower. I need to be ready for my wedding, right now I mostly feel like dying.

 

But I pull it together, clean up pretty well and get through the wedding. This is it, I am a married man. All the bad things is behind me and I am going to step up and do the right thing.

December 3 2014  
"I can't believe you did that Zac, you brought her to our home and fucked her in our bed. Knowing I would come back today.. Did you want to get caught ?" My wife is currently screaming at me, having come home to find another woman in our bed. I get her, I totally get her.

 

I get up pulling on some pants, watching the woman scramble around collecting her clothes and leaving with a. "Call me Zac".

I won't.

 

"No.. I.. fuck I'm sorry Missy.. I didn't plan this.. I just..".

 

She cuts me up midt sentence. "Oh don't even start Zac.. let me guess, you felt so down about that stupid part you didn't get, so you got shit faced drunk and then you just had to snort something up your nose and all reason goes out the window right ?"

 

"I said I'm sorry.. I really wanted that role.. and well you didn't even have time to talk to me". Yup I am whining a bit.

 

She laughs, but in a very humourless way. "I was working Zac, one of us have to you know. Have you ever stopped to think that if you stopped all this shit, the roles would come ?"

 

"So it is all my own fault right ? Everything is my fault". I feel like crying. It is my fault, I am not good enough, not handsome enough.

 

Missy is shaking her head. "Don't make this into another sob fest about how hard it is to be you. You cheated, you fucked up and I am betting everything that this wasn't the first time.. am I right, how many whores have you been with while we were together ? And don't you dare lie Zac".

 

"Three times okay.. well four if you count my bachelor party". I am looking at my hands. There are no reason to lie.

 

She just look at me, there are no tears. "I can't do this Zac. I can't watch you destroy yourself like this and I can't live with the lies and the cheating. We are done Zac".

 

"But I can change, I know I can. I don't want to do this, please don't leave me, I love you". Wait a minute, this isn't what happened. In reality I had just nodded and then helped her pack, surprised she didn't slap me into the next week.

 

Then I realise that it is no longer Missy, it is Ivy. But I haven't cheated on Ivy, I have kept the demons at bay. But she just smiles at me, fading away.

January 2018  
I sit up in the hotel bed, bathed in sweat, my heart hammering. Fuck these dreams are driving me insane. I hurry out to take a shower. I miss Ivy so much.


	24. Demons and Jealousy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 22/23 January 2018

*Zac*  
I come back to the hotel after another tv appearance, throwing myself on the bed. I actually feel good and honestly proud of myself. It is my 3 day in LA and I have behaved perfectly. The first evening I got a few to many shots. But I turned away all temptations, both the one in the shape of white powder and the rather beautiful woman who told me she could call her friend if I was interested. I wasn't. I am doing good here.

 

Earlier today I turned down a night out with an old friend Gary. Going out with him has gotten me in trouble way to many times. Hell a night out with him ended my marriage. So I said no thanks.

 

Hearing the phone ring, I pick it up, seeing it is Ivy. Damn I miss her so much, but tomorrow evening I will be back with her. "Hi freckles, missing me ?"

 

"Why did you say you were going to that game with a friend ? You didn't say it was Yvonne". Her voice sounds suspicious and a bit accusing.

 

"But Yvonne is a friend, we have known each other forever". I say. This is a side of Ivy I haven't seen before. "Why is it a problem darling ?"

 

There is silence for a couple of moments. "Because she is a woman Zac, a beautiful woman. Because people seeing you together thinks you are fucking her. Did you ? Fuck her.. I saw the pictures, you look mighty cosy together".

 

"No I did not.. fuck her. She is my friend and she is married. I didn't fuck her and no I never have and I don't want to. Happy ?" My mood is suddenly dropping as fast as a cheap strippers panties.

 

There is silence again in the other end. "Don't raise your voice to me Zac. But people are talking. I don't like that. I don't like you going out with women like that. Especially not alone".

 

"Darling I have loads of female friends, some I have known for most of my life. I am not throwing away my friends". I tell her softly.

 

Her voice is slightly breaking. "I just can't stand people saying those things, that you should be with her. That you are with her or any other. If you love me you would understand".

 

"Iwy, could we please not have this discussion over the phone ? Let's talk when I get back tomorrow. Please trust me". I tell her. Damn I hadn't seen this coming at all, this outburst of jealousy, and I don't think this is the right way to talk about it.

 

"If that is what you want.. bye". She halfway snap and then she hangs up, leaving me sitting there staring at my phone. Fuck she hang up, not letting me say goodbye or tell her that I love her. 

 

I get up and go to pour myself a glass of whisky, downing it way to fast. Halfway through the second glas I call Gary, asking him if he still wants to go out. After hanging up I go to the bathroom. I stop and look at myself in the mirror. Why am I doing this ? I don't know and I hate myself for it, but I just don't have control over it, it is like getting on a big slide and then be unable to stop. But it is just for a couple of drinks, I can control it.

 

Two hours later I am at some party, drunk as a skunk and high as a kite. Actually I have often wondered no one has ever called me out on it. Maybe people just think this is how I am or something. I mean I showed up once on the red carpet, coked out of my mind, flirting with the reporter and no one realised something was wrong. Maybe except the female reporter, but after spending the night in a hotel room with me she never talked.

*Ivy*  
I am laying on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. Fuck I had let my insecurities get the best of me. I had called Zac, acting all jealous and possessive. And of course he had responded badly to it. I mean I hadn't been fair at all.

 

Picking up my phone, I call him back to apologise and beg his forgiveness, but it goes straight to voicemail. Has he turned of his phone ? Is he angry with me ? I start crying again. What if he can't handle it ? What if he leaves me ? I feel like I can't breath and roll up, clutching my old teddy to my chest.

 

I don't think I could take it if he left me. I knew I shouldn't have given in. Know he holds my heart in his hand, the power to destroy me and I gave it to him freely. Have I been naive ? Or even stupid ? Maybe but it is too late to go back now.

 

Half an hour later I call him again, but there is still no contact. And I wonder what he is doing. Has he fallen asleep or has he gone out ? What is he doing and with whom ? I'll just have to trust him or I will go crazy.

Next morning  
*Zac*  
I try fighting my way back to reality, my hand reaching out and grabbing my phone to check the time. Fuck I forgot to turn it back on. I do it and see it come to life, and then it starts plinging with calls and messages, all from Ivy. Apologising, asking where I am, getting more and more frantic.

 

Rubbing my face I reluctantly turn my head, looking at the blonde sleeping beside me. Fuck, fuck, fuck I want to hit myself. Why did I do it ? I had promised myself I wouldn't do it, that I wouldn't stray from Ivy. For God's sake I love her. How could I do it ?

 

"Morning handsome". She smiles slyly at me and starts rubbing her hand over my chest. I remove it shaking my head. Her touching me makes me want to throw up. I feel like the worst person in the world right now.

 

My phone starts vibrating and I look at the screen. It's Ivy and I know I can't ignore it. But fuck what am I going to say to her ? I look at the blonde, what was her name ? "You.. not a sound while I take this call".

 

"Thank God Zac. I was getting so worried. I tried to get a hold of you.. I'm so sorry about last night. I let my insecurities get the best of me". She sounds so relieved, and the sound of her voice makes my heart scream at me.

 

Words, sentences, images, everything is rushing through my mind. Trying to find out what to say. I can't lose her, I just can't.. this was a mistake, a bad mistake. A relapse, it won't happen again. "Morning freckles, I forgot I turned it of, sorry.. I didn't mean to worry you love".

 

The blonde looks at me, arching a perfect eyebrow at me, but I ignore her. I need to get her out of here as soon as this is over. Ivy's happy voice ripping at my chest, telling me what a bastard I am. "It's okay Zac. I am just so relieved you are okay".

 

"Of course I am..". I grab the blond by the hair as she tries to suck me off, oh no that is not going to happen. "Ivy, baby.. I need to run to the bathroom, I'll call you back in a couple of minutes". I hang up glaring at the blonde. "Get dressed and get out".

 

"Or we could do a repeat of last night, that little girlfriend of yours won't know". She purrs, trying to touch me, but I jump out of bed, and pull on my boxers.

 

I point at the door. "Oh we definitely won't be doing that. Please leave". I want her gone. I want to forget. But I know I will never forget. I will have to carry this, the guilt of it forever.

 

"You are a jerk you know that right ? And she will realise at some point". She says, pulling on her clothes, glaring at me.

 

I sigh, believe me I know. Well I know I am a jerk, much worse actually. But I pray to God she will never find out. Not only would I lose her, but it would crush her heart and I couldn't bear to do that. "You are right, now please leave".

 

She shakes her head, flipping me of for good measure before slamming the door behind her. I groan and throw myself on the bed. Picking up my phone to call Ivy. I need to hear her voice.


	25. His regrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 23 January 2018

*Zac*  
I walk slowly towards Ivy's home, having gone there as soon as I sat foot in Toronto. The toes of my shoes are dirty I notice walking up the pathway to the door. I should never have convinced her to start dating me, when I know I am this fucked up. But I honestly thought I had control of it, that actually being in love would stop me from repeating my past mistakes.

 

Since yesterday morning I have kept telling myself that it was a single slip up, it won't happen again and ruining what we have would be stupid as it was just a single mistake. Actually it would be cruel to hurt her to clear my conscience.

 

Before I reach the door it opens and Ivy comes running down the steps, launching herself into my arms. I catch her, burrowing my face in her hair, inhaling the well known scent of strawberries. And I almost start crying. How could I do it ? "Oh God Freckles I have missed you so much".

 

"I missed you too. And I am so sorry about my freak out. I just couldn't bear the idea of someone else taking you from me". She mumbles against my neck, making me feel even worse.

 

I put her gently down on her feet. "I love you so much darling, no matter what, remember that I love you okay ?"

 

"Is something wrong Zac ?" She is looking at me nervously and I almost blurt it out, tell her everything. But I stop myself, I couldn't bear to see the pain in her eyes.

 

I shake my head, putting on a smile to reassure her. "No Freckles, not at all. I just.. well I love you and I want to be sure you know I really mean it".

 

"I love you too Zac". She says looking at me like I am kind of crazy. "Come on in, mom has made dinner".

 

I take her hand, lacing our fingers together as we walk inside. It is going to be torture, sitting there with her family, knowing they would hate me if they knew what I have done. But I deserve it, I deserve to suffer.

 

Inside Sadie comes skipping, hugging me tightly. "Good to have you back Zac, someone has been moping awfully while you were gone".

 

"Hi Sadie, was that someone you perhaps ?" I tease her and she punches my shoulder. And I say grinning. "Don't say you haven't missed me".

 

She rolls her eyes. "Might have.. I saw the pictures of you and Yvonne. Don't worry I told Ivy not to worry, that you are just friends".

 

"Well thank you, and you are right, we are just friends". I say smiling, snaking my arm around Ivy. Feeling like the devil himself, standing here pretending nothing is wrong.

*Ivy*  
"Finally alone". Zac says, his arms snaking around me, pulling me closer to him, as soon as I have closed the door to my room behind us.

 

He had seemed a bit weird during dinner, somewhat stiff. But no one else seemed to notice. "I thought you liked my family".

 

"I do like your family, I like them a lot. I just missed you". He says softly, his hands slowly trailing up and down my back.

 

Pushing him back, till he falls down on my bed. I smile at him. "I missed you to, so much. Much more that I expected. I am sure you have put me under some spell".

 

"That's me, the grand wizard". He says chuckling, his eyes running over me as I pull of my dress, crawling up on the bed, a leg on each side of him.

 

He is chewing on his lip, his hands grabbing my hips. "If you could just once see yourself like I see you, then you would go find someone much better than me".

 

"Don't say things like that Zac. You want me to see myself clearly, but you seem to see yourself through a haze". I tell him softly, running my hands into his hair. "You should give yourself some credit".

 

"No I see myself quite clearly.. I .. I am sorry Ivy". He suddenly looks so lost, like he is about to cry, and I feel a knot expand in my stomach.

 

I am almost scared to ask. What is wrong ? What has he done ? My voice is slightly shaking as I ask. "For what Zac ? What are you sorry about ?"

 

"Being so stubborn and pressuring you into dating me, when I know you are to good for me". He says sitting up, pulling me into him and borrowing his face in my neck.

 

I run my hands into his hair, forcing him to look up at me. "You might have been a bit stubborn on the matter, but believe me, I am only dating you because I want to".

 

"I really do love you Freckles, please believe me". He is leaving small kisses on my face and shoulder. There is something almost desperate in the way he holds me.

 

"I know Zac, I know and I love you too". I wonder if something is wrong, beside him missing me. But I have to get that jealousy under control, so I push the feeling away.

*Zac*  
I just lay there, watching her sleep. Tears slowly running down my cheeks. I had been so nervous, what if she could see what I had done, feel it, taste it. But she just seem happy to have me back. Happy to be in my arm.

 

She is so beautiful, so fragile as she lays there, naked, only covered by a thin blanket. Who am I to crush her ? I am the worst scum of this earth and I should leave her for her sake, but I am also a selfish man. I need her like I never needed anyone and I can't give her up.

 

I kiss her shoulder gently, pulling the duvet over us both, snuggling into her side. "I am so sorry baby, I am going to step up, I really am. I love you".


	26. Green eyed monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 6 February 2018

*Ivy*  
It is my first day on the set doing some scenes and honestly I am happy to spend the day with Zac. I haven't seen him to much since filming started. He is always working or tired or.. yeah whatever, fact is I feel he has withdrawn from me and I walk around in constant fear that he is going to dump me.

 

He is still very sweet and loving when we are together, yeah even more than he used to be. And my family simply adore him and have totally adopted him. But we just don't see each other as often as I would like to.

"Morning Gabi darling, don't you look marvellous this morning". Zac goes to hug the young and very pretty make-up artist, making the green eyed monster roar inside me, is this why he spend so much time on set ?

 

She giggles and hugs him back, smiling at him. "Morning sunbeam, bringing in the sunshine as always I see. Ready to get even better looking ?"

 

"Always, I mean it is not an easy task you got". Zac says, winking at her. Then he seems to remember that I am also there, grinding my teeth in annoyance. "Oh Gabi, this is Ivy, my girlfriend I told you about".

 

She smiles brightly at me and comes over to hug me. "Ivy, finally I meet you. You don't believe how much I heard about you from this one".

 

"Uhh thanks, nice to meet you too Gabi". I say, wondering what Zac has told her about me. But I put on a friendly smile.

 

She is looking intently at my face. "You really are exceptionally beautiful and you skin is just radiant. I can't wait to work with you".

 

"Thank you". Why is she sucking up to me like that ? Is it to hide what her and Zac has going on ? To throw me of the scent ?

 

I am watching as she is puts on Zac's make-up. They are laughing and flirting and I feel the bile rise in my throat watching them. Really having to control myself not to say something nasty.

 

But of course I don't say anything. I don't want to come of as possessive and jealous, no men likes that. But I truly hate the way she touches him.

 

I am relieved when he is done and it is my turn. Gabi is chatting away, being all sweet and nice and I answer her shortly, trying not to snap at her. I don't want to come of as a bitch. But I am saying as little as possible.

 

Actually I am saying as little as possible all day. Zac doesn't seem to notice as he is emerged in his role. Not before he catch me glaring when Gabi is removing his make-up after we are done, her free hand laying on his neck, presumably to keep him still.

 

"Why don't you just jump him and get it over with". I hiss out between me teeth, making Zac's face snap towards me. Shit he heard, there is no doubt from the way he looks at me.

 

Gabi of course didn't hear, being to busy gazing into Zac's eyes. She turns to look at me. "Sorry did you say something sweetie ?"

 

"Oh it was nothing Gabi. Thanks for today and see you tomorrow darling". Zac says sweetly, but his eyes are telling me to keep quiet.

 

Gabi hugs him and waves at me smiling. To me her smile says 'and tomorrow when you are not here, your man will be banging my brains out right here on the table'. "See you Zac, see you Ivy".

 

He grabs my arm, yanking me with him, not saying a single word. He opens the car door, glaring at me. "Get in Ivy, now".

 

I get in, not wanting a scene here. And he walks around the car and get in behind the wheel, not saying a single word before he closes the door to his apartment. "What the fuck was that about Ivy ?"

 

"What it was about ? My God, if you can't even see that".. I feel myself losing control. "Why didn't you just take her on that make up table like the other days ? Why did I need to be tortured by watching you two flirting all day ?"

 

He rub his eyes, like he is either trying to collect himself or he is going to cry. "Ivy, there is nothing between me and Gabi. We are friends, we were friendly with each other, not flirting".

*Zac*  
I am looking at her, waiting for a response. She has nothing to fear with Gabi. And yeah I know she has every right to be nervous, but I can't have her going around lashing out like this every time a woman talks to me or flirt a bit.

 

"But she is so pretty and she calls you sunbeam. How can I believe that there is nothing between you two ?" She asks, looking uncertain.

 

I take a deep breath. "I am not sleeping with Gabi and I am not going to. I love you and I never sleep with women that I am working with, to much of a mess".

 

"You are working with me mr smooth talker". She says. I can see that she wants to believe me. She wants there to be nothing. And luckily there isn't anything between me and Gabi, so I don't have to lie.

 

I send her a smirk, stepping up to slide my arms around her waist. "You are the exception to prove the rule my dear".

 

"Again with the smooth talk. Sorry for being so jealous Zac. I.. I just see those beautiful and sexy women talk to you and I feel inadequate". She snuggles into me.

 

No not really smooth, just me desperately trying to righten this mess and she clearly wants to believe it just as desperately. "Ivy you are the only one I love, and to me you are the most beautiful and sexy woman".

 

"I love you to Zac". She says. For now she is still mine and I need to keep it that way. Then her phone rings. "Sorry it is my agent, I better take it".

 

I watch as she is talking on the phone for almost 15 minutes, glancing at me several times. "Yeah, I.. well I just have to talk with my family, then I will get back to you okay. Yeah tomorrow at the latest".

 

"What was that about ?" I ask curiously as she ends the call. I know that 'her family' means me, from the way she looked at me. But we are not officially dating so she can't say she wanted to talk to me.

 

She bites her lip. "Well Burberry apparently wants me to be the face of their new perfume for women. It is a big deal with commercials and ads. But well I have to work with the face of the male line, so I wanted to make sure you are okay with it".

 

"Of course I am okay with it Freckles. It is not different from doing a movie. And it sounds like a really big possibility. Do you know who you are going to work with ?" Not that I am going to enjoy it. But being in the business I know it is how it is. We can both be asked to do sexual scenes but it is just acting.

 

She kisses me softly and smiles. "Thank you Zac, for trusting me. No I have no idea, probably some model".


	27. The perfect british gentleman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 15 February 2018

*Ivy*  
Honestly I hadn't expected this to happen so soon. But apparently the boss had decided to change the whole set up for the commercials at the last moment. So we are under a lot of time pressure and have to shoot the whole campaign during the next week. Luckily for me they are all coming here to do it, so I can still keep my schedule for the movie too.

 

I still don't know much about what we are doing except the commercials are going to be like a miniature movie, the first one for the ladies perfume, is more subtle, with attraction and romance, some sexual tension. And the male one more sexual. I don't even know who I am working with, as they were still negotiating last I heard.

 

Zac had wanted to come with me, but of course he can't as he is filming. Today is the photoshoots, they are doing three, one with each of us and one together. I am currently getting prepped for mine, getting a sexy make-up and my hair teased into a curly mane.

 

I had been a bit scared of how sexy this is going to be, but they promise no one will see anything. It is mostly illusion. Half a year ago I couldn't have done this, but Zac have made me believe in myself, made me feel sexy and beautiful, without him I wouldn't have had the confidence.

 

"So ready ?" The photograph ask and I nod, getting up. I am wearing black panties, very high black heels, and black stockings with a garter belt. On top of it I am wearing a Burberry trench coat. There are so many people fussing around me that I feel my head spinning.

 

I am placed on the floor, legs bend and the transcoat opened, so it only covers my breasts, or most of them. The director guiding me. "Imagine you have come home to your lover, only wearing this and the parfume, and now he has laid you down on the floor and is looking at you with passion in his eyes".

 

Closing my eyes shortly, I imagine Zac standing over me, the way he would look at me if I dressed up like this for him. Maybe I should, I never really dressed up sexy for him. I am sure he would appreciate it.

 

Then I open my eyes looking at the camera, trying to keep the feeling, the thought in my head. To forget all the people being there. 

 

It takes much shorter than expected and the photographer keeps telling me that it is great and I am so sexy. Honestly it makes me feel kind of good being told.

 

I close the coat and get up, the director hugging me. "That was perfect Ivy, perfect. Now come meet your partner in crime".

 

He leads me over to a group of people, and when they move I see him. Tall and handsome wearing dark blue tailored pants and a crisp white shirt. "Tom come here and say hello to Ivy. Ivy this is Tom, but I am sure you know that".

 

"Hi Ivy, such an honour to meet you". Tom says, and take my hand, kissing it softly. "I have to say you looked ravishing out there".

 

I feel myself blush badly, but well compliments like that from Tom Hiddleston is not an everyday thing, and those blue eyes are honestly like magnets, pulling you in. "Uhh thank you, but I am by no means a pro at this. Nice to meet you too Tom".

 

"You could have fooled me, you looked very professional out there". He says with a friendly smile, before walking over to the chair, the director calling for him. We are shooting in a very high class hotel suite.

 

I watch as Tom unbuttons his shirt slowly, and sits down on the chair as instructed. He isn't big and ripped like Zac, he is all lean senew muscles. More like a cheetah or a statue of a greek god.

 

And he is good at this, very good. He seems relaxed, like he is just sitting at home in his own chair, but still there is a sexual tension to him. To put it plainly, the man oozes sensuality like no other I have ever seen.

 

Tom gets up, sending me a cheeky grin and winking at me, as he slides of his shirt and slowly opens his pants. I get a feeling that he is kind of making a show of it. And every other woman in the room has stopped what they were doing, their eyes on him as he slips out of his out of his pants too, leaving him in white boxers and nothing else.

 

"That man is something else". One of the wardrobe girls whisper to me as we watch Tom posing on the bed. "You are so lucky that you are going to get up close and personal with him".

 

"He surely is". I say. But actually I am not sure how happy I am about getting as close to him as the commercial calls for. The idea feels a bit wrong.

 

My phone vibrates and I pull it out seeing it's a text from Zac. 'Just missing you Freckles. I hope your photoshoot goes well. Love you baby'.

 

I smile to myself, well Tom might be hot, handsome and charming, but he is no match for the man I already got and I quickly push in my answer. 'Missing you too. So far all good. Love you too handsome'.

 

Honestly I still don't like him being alone with that Gabi, but I need to trust him. I mean he trust me to do this. A new text tick in. 'I am sure you will be a smashing success. See you tonight Freckles'.

 

I am whisked away and put in a very sexy evening dress, keeping the underwear on under. And when I come back in, Tom is in full dark blue tuxedo. He smiles at me. "Don't you look amazing darling. Ready to do this ?"

 

"As ready as I get. You look really handsome too". And he does. I would be lying if I tried to tell someone that I don't find him attractive. But it's okay right ? I mean it isn't like I am going to jump him.

 

First we takes some shots, me looking out the big vindow, Tom standing close behind me, very close, his arms around me, his lips on my neck and shoulder. Those are for the female audience.

 

Then we changes the setting, my front towards the camera, glancing at it over Tom's shoulder. My body pressed against his, his hand on my thigh, his teeth, gracing my earlobe. Honestly I find focussing hard and my body feels electric. But I also feel kind of bad. It will probably look all hot and amazing in an add, but right now it feels a bit wrong.

 

But the director isn't happy, it isn't sexy enough, provocative enough. He wants it to stand out, not to drown in every other perfume commercial shoot. "You.. Ivy I need the dress and the panties of. Only heels, stocking and garter belt".

 

"Isn't that a bit.. is that really necessary ?" Tom asks, looking at me, like he feels how uneasy I feel about this. I mean I would be practically naked.

 

The director nods. "Yes it is, this is going to be so sexy. You fully dressed, her practically naked. The tension, the domination. But if you don't want to I can find someone else, someone less uptight".

 

"Darling you don't have to do this, if you say no I am backing you, then he'll have to replace me too". Tom whispers close to my ear.

 

It is so sweet of him. But I don't want to cause trouble, I don't want a bad reputation as someone not cooperating. I kind of feel like I really have no choice. I mean I signed the contract, I just hadn't expected something like this. "It's okay. I can do this".

 

I get behind a screen to change, which feels kind of weird. I at least get a cover, so my private parts isn't on display and a robe as I walk back to Tom.

 

He gets in front of me, making himself as wide as possible, for me to seek cover behind. "I will do my best to cover you up, I promise darling".

 

The robe is removed and Tom does his very best to cover for me. I have to give it to him, not even once does his eyes move down to my bare breasts. The director sound happy. "Yes like this. Ivy press yourself into him, you are totally at his mercy. Tom you own her, control her. Put your hand on her ass".

 

"Yeah he is so going on my blacklist after this". Tom mumbles. I am actually happy to press my body against his. Simply because I am most covered up like that.

 

I keep my voice in a whisper too. "Your blacklist ?"

 

"Yeah, I have a list of people that I refuse to work with, due to.. well things like this. Luckily it is not so long yet". He say, his hand very gently running up my leg, finding its place, he is keeping it to the side, his long finger hovering slightly over my skin, giving the illusion of him touching my ass. "Is this okay ?"

 

"Yeah, it's fine". It almost feel more intimate than if he had actually touched me. I can feel the warmth from his hand radiate against my skin. Maybe it is also the fact that he is handling this so gracious.

 

  I hate to admit it, but the feeling of his tuxedo covered body, pressed against my naked skin, well it does have a physical effect on me and I feel totally mortified. I don't want another man to make me feel like this. 

 

"Relax darling". Tom whispers softly. He is relaxed, putting tension in all the right muscles, to make the shoot seem perfect. He is no doubt as professional as they come. And he makes me feel safe.

 

He keeps whispering softly to me. Most of it I don't understand as he is changing between french and different pieces of Shakespeare, but it works to keep me calm and relaxed.

 

His lips are ghosting down my neck and over my shoulder, my hands is pressed against his chest were I feel his heart beat a bit frantic. Once again, his lips are barely making contact, making it seem like much more than it is, but this actually feels much more enticing.

 

And I kind of feel myself get lost in the moment a bit, forgetting all the people watching. Forgetting reality. His hand sliding a bit down my leg, lifting my leg to rest on his hip, folding around him. I can't hold back the soft gasp, as I feel that apparently his body is more affected than he looks.

 

"Ivy, press yourself into him a little more, a bit desperately.. yeah like that". The director says. Shit I can feel him very clearly now, like all of him, the rumours are most definitely true, no doubt about that.

 

The director finally calls cut, telling us he is so happy and that this is going to be so good. Tom quickly grabs my robe, putting around me. His voice suddenly shaking a bit and he is blushing slightly. "I am so sorry Ivy, that usually don't happen. It is so not okay".

 

"It's okay Tom, no harm done". I say sending him a warm smile. The fact that he feels this flustered and upset about it is actually adorable.

 

He shuffles his feet a bit. "I was thinking, would you want to go grab a cup of coffee when we are changed ? I mean just to get to know each other better before we start on the commercials".

 

Zac will be on set for a couple of hours more. And I think the commercials will be easier if we know each other a bit. Also I like Tom, he is a really nice guy and I am sure we could be friends. "Sure, no problem".


	28. The mirror shatters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 15 February 2018

*Ivy*  
I lock myself into Zac's apartment. He has given me the spare key and as he should be home soon, I decided to go wait for him. I had ended up spending almost three hours drinking coffee, eating pie and talking with Tom, he is really easy to talk to, and so sweet.

 

After cleaning up a bit, I go take a shower, before flopping down on the bed. I am wondering how much I should tell Zac about the photo shoot. I mean he will probably see those photos, so maybe it is better that I explain it myself first.

 

My phone buzz. 'Sorry baby, an old friend just called that he is in town. Would it be okay if I go grab a drink with him before coming home ? It won't be long'.

 

Trust Ivy, you need to trust him. 'Of course Zac, no need to rush. I'll be here waiting for you. Have a good time love'.

 

He answers right away. 'Thank you Freckles. I promise, it's just one or two drinks. See you in a bit my love'.

 

I turn on the tv in the bedroom. But apparently it has been a harder day than I thought and soon I slip of to sleep.

*Zac*  
I walk into the hotel, spotting Tom at the bar. He is nursing a glass of whiskey, looking lost in his own thoughts. To be honest I owe Tom a lot and I am kind of sad we don't see each other more often.

 

Actually he probably saved my life. It was at the 2013 nerd HQ. We had just spend some time together in the fall 2012 filming Thor the dark world and he had voiced concern over my behaviour a couple of times. What he didn't know was that I was always on my best behaviour working, spiralling out of control when I had time of.  
At nerd HQ I was spending the days pissed of my face, taking every pick me up drug I could get my hands on and well fucking every woman there who had the guts to make a pass at me. I was a mess and close to going over the edge into a serious abuse, to end up in a real addiction.

 

Tom was the only one reacting or noticing, or maybe the only one not scared of my reaction. He literally houled me out of there, sat me down in his hotel room, looking at me with those piercing eyes. "So Zac, tell me why you are so hell bent on killing yourself".

 

I had been about to deny it, to spill out the usual shit about just being young and wanting to have fun. But there was something about the way he looked at me. The real and honest concern he showed that made me break, spilling out everything about my childhood and not feeling good enough. About all my fears and concerns.

Tom just sat there, holding my hand and listening intently. And when I was done he told me how sorry he was for me, but that the choice was mine now. I needed to decide if I wanted to let the demons kill me or if I wanted to fight them.

 

We talked the whole night, and he really opened my eyes to a lot of things. After that I got help, even though I didn't feel it was really for me. I also worked a lot with myself. And I managed to step back from the brink of disaster. Granted I am still a fuck up and I am no were as sane as I would like to be, but without his intervention I would probably not have been alive today.

 

So I have a great amount of respect for Tom, he checks in on me from time to time and we always talk when we get together.

 

"Hi Tom, good to see you man". I walk up to him and he immediately gets up to hug me the way only Tom can hug you.

 

He holds me out at an arm's length, letting his eyes run over me. "Holy shit Zac, what have you been doing, actually you look like you ate Zac. Good to see you too".

 

"Well I have been working out a lot and living healthier. I needed to for the part". I say sitting down next to him, realising how small he looks next to me now.

 

He sits down down on his stool to, picking up his drink. "I'm proud of you, that is bloody impressive Zac. Soo how are you holding up ?"

 

"I am doing fine Tom. I won't lie and pretend to not have my bad days and I still fall in now and again. But I got it under control". I tell him, ordering a whiskey.

 

He looks at me. "I am happy to hear you feel good Zac. I still think you should get some more help, get it all sorted out.. but you definitely look much healthier than you used to".

 

"So what about you ? How are you doing Tom ?" I am changing the subject and I know Tom has his own demons and problems.

 

A smile slides over his face. "I'm doing fine Zac, managed to wind down a bit, got a cute puppy and.. well I am here doing a commercial and I met the most amazing woman today".

 

"Oh you did now, did you ? Well tell me about her then.. is she hot ?" Tom is the type who almost always just met some amazing woman, mostly he never gets around to do anything about it.

 

He takes a sip from his drink. "She is much more than that. She is something very special, and I am not just saying that. She is beautiful, sexy, sweet and captivating. We did this shoot together and the director was a total douchebag, I ended up having her practically naked in my arms. Had to work most of the shoot with a major boner, it was so embarrassing".

 

"Oh wow, she must be out of the ordinary then". I say grinning at him. Trying to imagine what kind of woman who could have that effect on Tom, he is usually so collected.

He orders another whisky. "Oh she really is. I.. I kind of asked her out, just for coffee and we ended up talking for 3 hours. She is really smart and articulate".

 

"Well she sounds like the perfect woman for you Tom. Maybe this is the time you actually take the chance and do something about it". I tell him. He deserves to find someone great.

 

"Hey you might know her, she works with DC too.. Ivy Walker she is a local girl". Tom says and it is like the chair is pulled from under me and the earth stops spinning. No I must be imagining things.

 

I swallow and blink, feeling totally detached from my own body. "I know Ivy, she has a small role in my movie. You say you asked her out.. you mean like a date ?"

 

"Yeah, I mean it was just coffee and talking, for now.. but.. well we really got along, so maybe I'll ask her on a real date when we start on the commercial the day after tomorrow". He looks so happy, and for once he isn't very perceptive, as he don't see my heart shatter.

 

I mean how could I ever compete with Tom ? Perfect Tom. Tom that don't fuck up, who don't do drugs and definitely don't sleep with other women. Tom whom all women thinks is the hottest thing since the baked potato. I mean she already went on a date with him. If Tom wants her, she is lost to me.

 

I empty my glass, getting up. I need to get away. "Nice to see you Tom, I .. I need to go, sorry, see you around".

 

"Zac ! Zac is something wrong ?" Tom calls after me, but I halfway run out of there. The pain threatening to drown me.


	29. Free falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 15 Februar 2018

*Zac*  
I find myself in some danky bar, fucked up on some drug I don't even know what is. Trying to make the pain go away. I feel like I am this little kid sitting inside my body, screaming at me to stop, to fight for her, for my life instead of just giving up. But my body have not been listening so far. The demons has come out and taken over control.

 

As always when this happens, the body, the demons, is the life of the party, the center of attention. While little Zachary sits curled up in a corner inside, crying, calling out for help.. but no one sees him, no one ever does.

 

A woman comes over, she is loud, bleached, with puffed up lips and huge boobs for her tiny frame. Her body draped in a short tight silver dress. She is everything I don't want in a woman. But the demons is delighted, she is easy, stupid, up for anything and won't tell on me, won't expect anything. Actually she might be a hooker.

 

"Hi there handsome, looking for some fun ?" She say, rubbing herself against me. "I am up for anything if the price is right".

 

I grab her around the waist, licking up her neck. "Well that's all fine and dandy sweetheart, but I don't pay for something I can get for free, so well do we have a deal ? Or move along so others can have go".

 

"Oh no sexy, if I start handing out freebies I won't be getting in the money. But I promise it is very much worth it". She grabs my hand, placing it on one of her boobs.

 

I move her hand to my erection, pressing it into her hand. "As I said, I never pay". Then I lean in to whisper something in her ear. Moving back I look at her wide eyed expression. "So what do you say, you and me, bathroom now, for free ?"

 

She bite her lip, looking at me. Then she grab my hand, pulling me with her. "You damn better deliver on that lover boy".

 

The Zac locked up inside is still pleading with the demons, begging them not to do this, crying, screaming and kicking to stop it. Hell he'll happily plunge a knife through his heart right now to stop the demons from their endeavours.

*Tom*  
I manage to find the bar.I had instantly known there was something really wrong with Zac when he stormed out of the hotel. But I hadn't been able to get a hold of him on his phone. So I called Luke, told him to put his feelers out there see if he could find Zac and try and track his phone.  
And he had called me back, telling me Zac was in some dangy backstreet bar, from what he could find out he was high as a kite. So I need to get to him. He might not realise there is a lot more attention being paid to him now. He can't do this in public and not be busted any longer.

 

I look around, but can't see him anywhere. Fearing I am to late I ask the bartender. "I am looking for my friend 6'4, dark hair, big muscular guy, wearing jeans and a beige sweater".

 

"He disappeared out back with some 100 bucks a pop hooker". He says, pointing towards a room with a sign saying toilets.

 

I sigh, shaking my head as I walk over to open the door, just as Zac and some extremely skanky blonde comes out from the handicap stall, both straightening their clothes.

 

"Ohh do you want a ride to hon". The whore looks a me, batting her lashes. "Sorry but I do have to charge you, maybe we can work out a discount ?"

 

"Excuse me, but I would not get my dick anywhere near you even if you paid me. Please leave". I glare at her. Fuck if he at least could keep a bit of dignity doing this.

 

She takes out a business card, apparently even hookers have business cards these days. Sliding it into Zac's pocket, leaning into to whisper loud enough for me to hear. "Call me anytime lover boy, no charge".

 

"Hi Tom, what are you doing here ?" Zac looks at me, as the whore leaves. He has that fake smile plastered on his face. But his eyes are begging for help. His whole body tense like it is battling itself.

 

I take a deep breath, knowing I need to approach this right. "I am here for you Zac, I knew something was wrong and I had Luke track you down. Sorry I came to late for you".

 

"Maybe it's not too late.. I am here and now you are here, if.. if that is what you want". His eyes are totally unfocused even though they are still looking directly at me and it takes me a moment to realise what he just said.

 

I feel nauseous, shaking my head. "Zac, never ever suggest anything like that again. For God's sake why would you say something like that ?"

 

"That's all I am worth isn't it ? I am no less a whore than the woman who just walked out of here". The pain in his eyes and voice are breaking my heart.

 

I walk up to him, putting my hand on his shoulder. "Zac, you and me both know that isn't true. I see you, I see the fight Zac. I hear you screaming for help. I know you don't want this. Let me get you home safe okay ?"

 

"Okay". He seems to totally deflate and I have to support him to the car. When I get in behind the wheel he grab my hand, looking at me. "Thank you Tom. You.. you can have her, you would be much better for her".

 

"You are welcome Zac". I don't know who the her he refers to is, hopefully not that skank from the bathroom. I ask for his address and he hands me the key card. So I drive him there and help him inside. 

 

Suddenly he stops, grabbing my arm. "I forgot, she was coming here. She is here. I.. I .. God if she sees me like this Tom.. Please can you check if she is awake ?"

 

"Okay, I'll take a look". So he has a girlfriend. Oh shit Zac, this is even worse than I thought. I walk over to the bedroom door, opening it just a bit. There is someone in the bed sleeping and I am just about to close the door when I realise that it is her, it's Ivy.

 

Shit, oh shit.. He is with Ivy. Now I know why he reacted like that, what I said drove him to do this. Damn if I had known.

 

I close the door, walking back to Zac, who are standing with his head hanging. "Fuck Zac, why the hell didn't you stop me ? Why didn't you tell me that you and Ivy are together ? I am sorry man, I would never had said those things if I knew".

 

"There was no reason to. How could I ever compete with you ? I mean she has already gone on a date with you". He looks about to break down.

 

I rub my neck. "Sorry about that, but you know how I get when I like someone. I mean we had coffee. I might have read a lot more into it than her. Or now I know I did. And of course you can Zac, stop putting yourself down. I mean you are the one with a beautiful girlfriend, not me".

 

"I don't deserve her Tom, she deserves so much better". He desperately dry his eyes. "This wasn't my first break down. I had one before and she don't know. So if you want to.. well you got my permission".

 

"Zac, I like her and I find her attractive yes, but I wouldn't go for your girlfriend, not in a million years". I tell him. I could never do that.

 

He starts sobbing and I get an urge to pull him into my lap and let him roll up and cry. It would probably look weird his size considered. "I can't lie to her any longer, it has been hell Tom, and when she knows the truth she will leave me".

 

"I can't promise you she won't Zac. But now you need to sleep, and then tomorrow when you are more clear headed you and me will figure out how to best do this and get you some help". I tell him. Having him wake her up now and confess would be the sure way to make an even bigger mess.

*Zac*  
Tom is right of course, but Tom is kind of always right. Waking her now, in my state, I would just end up scaring her, hurting her more than necessary. "Yeah you are right Tom. Thanks and uhh sorry about what I said, my brain kind of went haywire". 

 

"It's okay Zac, just never .. come with inappropriate offers to me again okay". He say grinning, giving me a quick hug. "And now get to bed".

 

I walk Tom out and then I get out of my clothes, crawling down beside Ivy. She mumbles and snuggles into me and I take her in my arms, holding her close, crying silently into her hair. Hating myself for doing this to her.


	30. All crumbles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 16 february 2018

*Ivy*  
I am back in the photo studio with Tom, reshooting the pictures of us together. The director wanted more passion, more sex.

 

Tom is talking gently to me, telling me to relax, that I am beautiful, that it will all be okay. But all the time his hard erection is pressing against me, making it very hard to focus.

 

I am telling myself that I am not interested, that I love Zac and I would never hurt him, never do anything like that. But my body is betraying me, making me feel all hot and bothered.

When we are finally done I am having a hard time breathing, feeling like his hands are constantly on me, making heated tingling trails on my skin.

 

"So what do you say we go somewhere more private ?" He whispers softly in my ear, with that deep english accent, sending all kinds of chills through me.

 

I know I should say no, I shouldn't want this so badly. But I do and I can't deny it. So I nod and he quickly leads me out of there, to his car.

He drives quickly, weaving through traffic. His hand resting on my leg and I know we are not going to get coffee or play boardgames.

 

Parking in the hotel basement, he opens the door to me, taking my hand and leading me to the elevator. He uses his keycard to get access to the penthouse. And as soon as the door closes he is on me, kissing me in away that makes me lose my breath.  
"You are so beautiful Ivy and I wanted you from the moment I saw you there on the floor. Damn you were so sexy". He mumbles against my lips.

 

I don't know what has gotten into me. My fingers already trying to unbutton his shirt, wanting to touch his skin. "No you are sexy Tom, way to sexy".

The elevator opens directly into the penthouse, and as we move through the room to reach the bed, clothes are flying everywhere, hands gripping at bare skin, mouths seeking each other, seeking pulse points, seeking warm skin to taste.

And he disappears between my legs, making me almost buck of the bed as he starts devouring me, holy shit, was his father a freakin vacuum cleaner ?

After having made me come twice with that skilled mouth and those long fingers, he crawl up, hovering over me, a sexy grin on his lips. "You taste delicious my dear".

Then he kisses me as he slowly pushes into me, making me gasp at his size. Part of me wanting to ask him to stop, it is to much. But then he thrust himself fully into me in one hard thrust, making me see stars.

My legs are folded up around him, resting on his back, and he grab my hips, half vej sitting up as he starts pounding into me. Making me lose all ability to speak, only whimpering sounds escaping me.

And he just keep going and going, making me cum again. Damn he is like a robot, a top notch sex robot from the future.

As I cum for the fourth time I sit up in bed, finding Zac sleeping next to me. It was a dream, thank God it was all just a dream.

 

*Zac*  
I am awakened by Ivy, snuggling into me. I didn't get much sleep, I just lay here for hours, looking at Ivy. My head is hurting, but my heart is hurting even more. I can't believe what I did. And with a woman like that. Her breathing sounds a bit of. "Is something wrong darling ?"

"I am so sorry, I can't believe I did that". She mumbles and I can see how her neck flushed red, she is blushing badly.

What is she talking about. I am sure she has nothing to apologise for. "For what Freckles ? You did what ? I am pretty sure you have been sleeping here all night".

"I.. I had a bad dream". She says, snuggling closer to me. I fold my arms around her, burrowing my face in her hair, breathing in the scent of her, wondering if this might be the last time I get to do that,  feeling both lost and helpless. I love her so much it hurts and I hate myself even more.

"A bad dream. Why do you feel so bad about that ? What was it about ?" I am curious now, wondering what could have her feel like this.

She swallows. "You know the commercials. I didn't have time to tell you, but I am working with Tom Hiddleston and.. well.. shit.. Zac don't read things into it okay ? I must have been thinking of the shoot. I .. I had a naughty dream about Tom. I am so sorry".

"You feel this bad about a dream.. but darling it's just a dream, you don't control that". She looks like she actually feels she has done me wrong and it is tearing up my heart. I can't stand it, seeing her feel guilty for something she can't control. I am the guilty one, I am the one that need to apologise.

She looks at me. "Thanks for being so understanding Zac, you really are the best.. what did I do to deserve you ?"

And that breaks me, those words make it all explode, I just feel myself shatter to the core, getting overwhelmed with pain and nauseousness, freeing myself from her, running to the bathroom to throw up, over and over.

"Zac is something wrong ? Are you sick ?" She comes out, looking so concerned. I just shake my head, trying desperately to get my body under control. She hands me a damp washcloth to clean my face with. Making me feel even worse.

I look at her. I know Tom told me to wait, but I can't stand lying to her for any longer. It isn't fair to her and it would kill me. "Ivy, we.. I need to tell you something".

"What is it Zac ? You look so serious". She looks nervous now.

"It is. Let's get dressed and go sit down okay ?" She nods, looking like she rather run away and not have to hear it, like she kind of know what is coming.

I get dressed, feeling like my body is about to give in any second. I don't think I have ever felt this physically ill in my entire life. I feel ill for what I am about to do to her, what I have done and what will surely happen.

Ivy has dressed to and sits down on the edge of the bed, looking at me. "So what is it Zac ? Has it something to do with you not coming home last night ?"

"Yeah, it has something to do with that". I breathe in deeply, my hands are shaking and my body convulsing slightly, both from the overload of emotions and from the drugs not fully out of my system yet. "Please remember Ivy, I do love you, I truly do, even if it doesn't seem like it".

I am standing in front of her and she reach out to take my hand. "Are you okay Zac, you look so pale and shaken".

I can't stand it, her being worried about me, I don't deserve anything but her contempt and I pull my hand away. "Please don't fuss over me Ivy. I don't deserve it. I.. I have done such bad things.. I am such a mess".

"Zac you are scaring me". She says, looking up at me, a tear escaping her eye.

She should be scared, I am destruction and pain. "I.. I am sorry.. I should never have pulled you into this. I have a lot of problems Ivy. It isn't an excuse. But some things in my past, they get me down sometimes and then I drink, or sometimes if I drink they bubble up.. and well I .. I take things to numb the pain". Just trying to say it have me close to throwing up again, my stomach contracting painfully.

"Things ? You.. you do drugs ? You are an addict ?" She looks so utterly shocked and as pale as she is about to faint.

I take a deep breath. "I am not addicted. Some years ago I was close to falling into an serious addiction, but I was saved at the last moment. But yeah I do drugs, when things get to hard, when the pain get to much and I can't face the world".

"We.. we can work this out Zac, get you help. I am sure you don't want to do this. Work on the things in your past". She looks like someone trying to stop herself from drowning.

Closing my eyes, I try to steady my voice as it is breaking up and stop the shaking of my hand. "Ivy listen, I.. the drugs.. when I do them, I become someone else, I do horrible things.. With women.. I ..I cheated on you".


	31. Time running out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 16 Februar 2018

*Ivy*  
It is like someone has taken a big hammer, smashing the mirror that covered the real world, and shattered my heart into pieces. Deep down, I think I had a feeling, that I might have known, but I have ignored it, I had hoped it was just my fear speaking.

 

I am incapable of saying anything, wondering if I am going to fall to the ground dead, because I am sure my heart is in pieces and no longer beating. I just look at him, he looks scared, he looks in pain and for a second I feel so sorry for him, before I realise, he is the one who did wrong, he is the one who broke me.

 

"Say something. Ivy please say something". He looks at me pleadingly, like he too is afraid that I will shatter into a thousand pieces.

 

I shake my head, my voice not much more than a whisper. "Yesterday.. that is why you stayed out yesterday, you were... you were sleeping with someone else. Is it.. is it Gabi ?"

 

"I did, I slept with someone else yesterday, and no it wasn't Gabi, it was some.. it was some woman I picked up at the bar, she meant nothing". The tears are tumbling down his cheeks and he desperately try to dry them of.

 

My mind is trying to piece it together. I can't decide if I would have prefered it had been Gabi or some other women he knew or if it is better it was someone who meant nothing. "I was waiting for you right here, but you choose to pick up some whore at the bar and sleep with her". The old feeling washing over me, maybe I am boring, not good enough.

 

"I am so sorry Ivy, I .. I wish I could undo it, that I could somehow take it back. Please know it has nothing to do with you, it is in no way a reflection of anything you have done. It is me, only me, I am the broken one, the fucked up one". He says softly.

 

I feel my head slowly shaking. "But you can't Zac, you can't undo that you choose to go and fuck someone else, someone who didn't even matter". Something suddenly hits me. "It wasn't the first time, was it. This is why you pulled away after LA, you did sleep with someone in LA".

 

He is biting his finger, nodding slowly. "Yeah it happened once before, in LA. I fought the demons so badly, but.. but they won".

 

"After the fight, after my outburst of jealousy, when I couldn't reach you. You didn't forget you turned of your phone, you were to busy sticking your dick into someone else". I feel sick. "Oh God, she was still with you the next morning, that is why you had to hang up and call me back".

 

"She was there and I needed her to disappear. I couldn't face what I had done". He can't look me in the eye. His head hanging and tear slowly dripping from his face. "I am so sorry not only for what I did, but for not owning up to it. I was so scared to loose you".

 

I am at a loss, it is like the fabric of reality has been ripped to pieces and I have no idea what to do, how to go on. I am afraid that everything might crumble to dust at any moment and I am trying to keep the feelings at bay. What can I do, what he has done, it's unacceptable, everyone will tell me, unforgivable. Do I even have a choice ? 

 

"Ivy please say something". He begs me again after 5 minutes of complete silence. But I am unable to speak, scared to speak, afraid what will spill out of my mouth if I try.

 

"What do you want me to say Zac ? Honestly I don't know what to say or do right now. I knew it would end badly, but I couldn't resist you. I gave you my heart, knowing you would crush it". I try to keep in the sobs.

 

He looks at me. "I never meant to hurt you. I love you so much, but I am broken. I should have told you. I should have been honest. Instead I thought I could do it on my own and I broke us both".

 

"You should have trusted me Zac, you should have told me about your problems. Maybe together we would have had a chance". I get up from the bed. I need air, I need to be alone. I need to get away from him.

 

"I'm sorry". He whispers softly. Looking like he wants to reach for me, but don't really dare.

 

"I know you are. I know that. I've always known that you're sorry," I replied, as something undefinable tragic built up in my heart.

 

He looks up, his voice pleading. "Give me a second chance. I'll prove to you how much I need you. I'll prove that we can last forever".

 

"I can't. I'm sorry. You are the reason for my devastation. And I can't let it happen to me again". I turn away, and I hear him start to sob. I lean my head back to stop the tears from coming, but it doesn't work. "Zac I need to be alone, to not see you for a while. Please respect that".

 

There only comes a strangled sound from him, but I take it as a yes. And I walk out, needing to keep myself together till I can reach my home and my bed, crying out my broken heart.

*Zac*  
I crumble, falling to the floor in a heap, feeling the sobs rake through my body carrying the pain like poison in my veins. It is burning away my soul. I thought I had known pain in my life, I thought I had lived through it, felt it as bad as it gets. But I have never known pain like this, never literally felt my heart crumble to dust, knowing that I most possible have lost all.

 

What am I to do without her ? I mean I am fully aware, more than aware that I don't deserve her, but that doesn't change that fact that I am going to wither away to nothing without her.

 

I broke her, I took the most beautiful thing on this earth and I crushed her to dust with my selfishness, just because I wanted her, because I allowed myself to love her.  
And then I feel it in my head, he's back. The monster. I feel him. Under my skin, in my head. He's everywhere. The urge. I can't stop it.


	32. Tom pulls a McGyver

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 16 February 2018

*Tom*  
There is no answer when I ring Zac's doorbell. He isn't answering his phone either and I start to get really nervous. I try calling Ivy. The phone getting picked up at the third ring. "If this is you Zac, you better run before I get my hands on you".

 

"Uh sorry, who might I be talking to ?" It was definitely not Ivy, even though the voice was kind of similar. "And no I am not Zac, this is Tom. I need to talk to Ivy".

 

There is a bit of silence and then a nervous giggle. "Uhh sorry Tom. It's Sadie, Ivy's sister. She can't really come to the phone as she had her heart crushed by a lying cheating bastard".

 

Shit Zac had broken and told her. Not that I didn't think she needed to know, but there are ways to soften a blow like that. "Do you or Ivy happen to know were Zac is ? Because I can't find him and honestly I am very worried for him".

 

"That jerk can go hop in the ocean for all I care. I am so done being a fan". She says through clenched teeth, then her tone changes. "You said you are Tom, as in that Tom ? As in Loki ?"

 

"Uhh well I guess so. And nice to talk to you Sadie. But right now I need to find Zac, as he might be about to do something really stupid". I say in my most imploring voice.

 

There is a huff on the other end, then a thoughtful sound. "Try and call Eric, he might have an idea or know if he is on set. I can send you the number from Ivy's phone".

 

"Please do that Sadie and tell Ivy I will come by and check on her as soon as I am sure Zac is okay". I tell her. Zac is first priority. I don't believe Ivy is about to do harm to herself, but he just might be.

 

"Well see you later then Tom". Sadie says and we end the call. A few moments later a number ticks in on my screen and I call it.

 

Turns out Eric is already on his way, being unable to get a hold of Zac to. Apparently Zac should have been on set an hour ago, but he never showed up. So now I am even more worried, Zac has always been one to do his job, no matter how fucked he was.

 

Five minutes later Eric pulls up. He comes out and we shake hands. "Good to see you again Tom. Wish the circumstances was better though. So what happened ?"

 

"Zac went on a bender last night, the whole shebang. Unfortunately I was too late to stop him from doing some hooker in the bathroom. He told Ivy and she left him. No one has heard from him since". I say, knowing that Eric knows about Zac's problems, at least to some extent.

 

"Fuck". He kicks at a pile of snow. "I really thought that he had it under control. He loves that girl like no other before her, no doubt. Shit he must be in a deep hole right now".

 

I look at the door, wondering if Zac is inside and just ignoring us. "Do you think he would do something really stupid ?"

 

"Honestly I am afraid he could". Eric shakes his head, looking at the door. "Do you think we should break down the door ?"

 

I walk up to the door, checking the card lock over. "I don't think we need to break down the door. I need a sheet of flexible plastic and a scissor or knife".

 

"I have some very heavy duty plastic pockets I use for photos. Just a minute". He goes to the car coming back with plastic pocket and a hobby knife. "There you go, but how will you open the door with that ?"

 

"Like this". I use the knife to cut out a hole in the plastic sheet. Then I slide it through the crack at the side of a door, luckily it's an older door, and not air tight. I slowly pull it back, it takes a couple of tries, but then I feel it stop, being caught on the inside handle. I pull down and hear the door click open. "Voila".

 

Eric just stares at me, like I just sprouted a second head or something. "Seriously Tom, I am not even gonna question how someone like you knows how to do that".

 

I just shrug, this isn't the time to get into that. I walk inside, Eric following right behind me. "Zac ! ZAC! Are you here ?"

 

At first everything seems quiet, almost to quiet, maybe he isn't here. But then I hear a low sound. Someone sobbing and mumbling to themselves, but I can make out what he is saying, if he is saying anything.

 

I wave for Eric to follow me towards the bedroom door. As I reach out to open the door a faint smell hits me. I know that smell, but I can't place it at first, but then I realise, it's blood.. why does it smell like blood ?

 

"Can you smell that ? The blood ?" I turn to look at Eric, scared of what I will find behind the door.

 

He runs a hand over his face. "No, but if you say here smells like blood I trust you.. But Tom right now you are fucking scaring me, how the fuck do you know how blood smells ?"

 

I don't answer him, I just slowly open the door. I see him right away, huddlet into the corner. There is blood on him, there is some blood splattered on the wall. And at first I am not sure what is going on. "Zac ?! Look at me Zac".

 

"Leave me alone, just leave me". He mumbles and I spot something shining in his hand. He is bare chested, his skin seems to be covered in red lines, but when I step inside, looking closer I realise that it is the word sorry, carved into his flesh over and over.

 

"Oh fuck Zac, what are you doing ?" This one is new, or at least I think it is. I turn my head towards Eric, whispering. "Has he done this before ? Cutting himself".

 

"Yeah, but nothing like this at all and not for a long time". Eric whispers back. He steps around me, speaking in a soothing voice. "Zac please stop doing that, stop hurting yourself".

 

Zac looks up, his eyes flashing between us. I have never seen his eyes like this before, feral like a cornered animal or someone gone mad. He lifts the razor blade in his hand to his neck. "Don't come closer, I'll do it".

 

"Zac listen, this isn't helping anything. Why do you feel like you have to do this ? Does it remove the pain". I ask, inching closer to him.

 

He looks at the razor blade. "It silences them, the demons. They wanted me to drink, to do drugs.. to.. I couldn't do that, I needed to get them out of me".

 

"I get it, believe me I get it more than you know. But you need to stop okay ? There are other ways. Please give me the razor". I hold out my hand, stepping closer.

 

He lifts the razor blade to his throat again, pressing hard enough for droplets of blood to trickle out. "Don't Tom, stay away. Don't come closer, they won't let you".


	33. Things they don't need to know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 16 February

*Ivy*  
There is a knock on my door, and I call out, my voice sounding like I have smoked 40 cigarettes a day my whole life. "Fuck of Sadie, I don't want to talk about it".

"Sorry darling, it's me". I hear Tom's voice and look up to see him come in. He looks a bit frantic. "Sorry to barge in like this, but we need you. Zac needs  
you".

I shake my head, fighting the tears and sobs. "No Tom, I can't. I can't handle it. One of his whores can help him".

 

"Ivy I know you are hurt and I know he has fucked up. But this is life and dead, I got Zac holding a fucking razor blade to his throat, threatening to slice it if we get near him. You are probably the only one who can get through to him, he needs you". Tom says softly.

I jump from my bed. "He is doing what? Oh fuck, why didn't you say that right away Tom? Why haven't you called someone professional ?"

 

"Because if we call in someone professional, he will be locked up for the foreseeable future. I don't think he could handle that" Tom is on his way out the door and I walk briskly behind him. I know he is right, getting locked up somewhere, losing this role would break him more than he is already.

We get in the car, a sleek dark blue jaguar. Tom turn towards me, flashing me a smile. "You better buckle up dear".

I hurriedly do, and Tom starts the engine with a roar, pulling out in traffic. Seconds later I am white knuckling the seat, holding on for dear life, as Tom speed through town, weaving through traffic and snow, going about double the speed limit. "Shit Tom I know we are in a hurry, but I would like to get there in one piece".

"Don't worry darling, I got it totally under control, no need to worry". He says, changing the gear. "By the way, you should know the reason for Zac's problems. I am not saying that erases what he did, but maybe it will help you understand. He.. well he had a tough upbringing. His mother abused him psychologically, drilled into his head that he is worthless and ugly, he still believes that and that is what he tries to drown out".

"Oh.. I had no idea.. I mean I have seen that he harbour a lot more pain than  
he let of, but I never thought it was that bad. He must feel so bad". How could  
he believe that? Yeah he did something really bad, but to me he is still the most beautiful person not just physically. 

Tom hits the brakes, and the car slides sideways, giving a small bump as it ends in a perfect parallel parking by the curb, between Eric and Zac's cars. "Shit Tom, are you insane".

 

"Nope, not as far as I know. And why are you complaining, it drifted in perfectly" He says, getting out of the car and I follow him inside.

 

I see Eric sit in the door to the bedroom, he sends us a strained smile, telling us things haven't changed. Tom grabs my arm. "Before you go in there, there is quite a lot of blood, but it looks worse than it is. He will be okay if we can get through to him"

 

I nod and step past Eric, almost screaming when I see him, even though I had steeled myself. Shit did I make him do this? I just want to get to him, to take him in my arms and comfort him. "Hi Zac".

 

"Ivy?! Are you here ? Really here?" He look at me, and the wild light in his eyes instantly softens, making him look like a lost kid. I smile at him, ignoring the blood. I really hate blood to be honest. "Yeah I am here Zac. Tom told me that you needed me".

"I.. I needed to stop the demons, I didn't want to do those things, I had to expel them, the pain keeps them at bay. I know I've lost you. But I just couldn't do those things". He says, sounding like he has been screaming and crying for days.

Slowly moving closer, I take a deep breath. I am scared out of my mind, that one wrong move can send it all south. He still has the razor pressed to his throat. "Even if this isn't the answer, I am proud of you for fighting it".

"So will you promise you'll always remember me, even if I did break you". He suddenly say softly.

 

I look at him, I can't let him hurt himself anymore. "Don't make me promise that". He looks up, hurt. "People only ask you to remember them if they're planning to leave". I tell him. "And if you're planning to leave please don't ask me to remember it".

 

His hand slowly falls down beside him his voice uncertain. "You don't want me to leave? You don't hate me for what I did ?"

 

"Of course I don't hate you Zac, I am hurt yes and disappointed, but I could never hate you and I would definitely never wish for you to leave. Now, please hand me the razor, okay?" I hold out my hand to him and he slowly places it on his palm.

 

I throw it away and hold out my arms to him. He instantly falls into my embrace and I just hold him, not caring that I get blood all over me. He is sobbing. "I'm so sorry baby, so sorry".

 

"I know Zac, I know. Right now we need to get you some help okay?" I say, gently stroking his hair, feeling his tears soak my shoulder.

 

"There is a doctor on his way. Someone who knows to keep quiet" Tom say from the door, as he steps inside, picking up the razer with a handkerchief, pocketing it.

Tom strips down the bed, then he disappears and comes back with a plastic sheet, putting it on the bed and a normal sheet on top of it. "Let me give you a hand Zac". He say, coming over.

Together we get Zac up, laying him down on the bed, and I sit down beside him, holding his hand in mine. "Just relax Zac, I'll be right here for you".

"I'll go let in the doctor". Tom says, and disappear. Eric coming into the bedroom, sitting down on the other side, padding Zac's hand  
.  
Eric looks at the door, like he is making sure Tom is gone. "Okay we need to talk about Tom, there is something of here. He opens doors like a pro, recognices the smell of blood, knows doctors who know how to keep quiet and he has plastic sheets in his car ?"

 

"And he can drive twice the speed limit and slide the car into a parallel parking". I say. Eric is right. I mean Tom is an actor for God's sake, those things doesn't fit the job.

Zac squeezes my hand and I look at him. "Don't.. Don't question him about it okay ? Leave it. Tom is.. Tom is good enough".

"Tom is good enough?! You do know how.. Ambiguous that sounds right?" Eric says, looking at Zac, who just smiles and shrug.

We hear voices and none of us say anything else. Tom walks in with a doctor who says absolutely nothing as he cleans Zac's wounds and bandages them. Me and Eric are casting glances at each other. Feeling part of a weird movie.

Then the doctor pulls out a big syringe, filling it with something. I lookdesperately at Tom. "What is that ?"

 

"Don't worry Ivy, that is just antibiotics so the cuts won't get infected". Tom answers, as the doctor gives Zac the injection.

The doctor packs his bag, looking at Tom. "He needs to rest a couple of days, but all the cuts was shallow, so they should heal up soon with only minor scarring".

"Thanks doc, and thank you for coming this fast. It's appreciated". Tom say, shaking the man's hand, clearly handing over some folded bills at the same time.

 

"No problem Viper, you can always call". Me and Eric looks at each other, mouthing the word 'Viper?' Then looks at Zac who just shrugs.

As Tom walks the doctor out, Eric looks at Zac. "Sorry man, but I can't just ignore that, so are you going to tell on him or should I ask Tom or Viper or what ever his name is?"

 

"I am not saying anything". Zac says, shaking his head. "And I wouldn't start asking questions.. It can be dangerous".

 

"Sorry but I don't care". Eric says, leaning back in the chair. "I think we deserve to know".

"Deserve to know what Eric ?" Tom is leaning on the doorframe, looking at us.

I take a deep breath. "We are just confused here Tom.. opening doors knowing weird doctors, having plastic sheets at hand.. Viper?! What is happening here ?"

 

"Better not ask darling". Tom say, his tongue darting out to lick his lips. "It's on a strictly need to know basis, and you don't need to know".


	34. The master of seduction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 16 February 2018

*Ivy*  
After I have send Eric and Tom on their way, to let them get some sleep. I call the director David, telling him that Zac is sick and needs a couple of days of from filming, he tells me he will move around in the schedule and shoot the scenes Zac isn't in, telling me to wish him a speedy recovery.

"So Zac, Tom told me that you had a bad childhood, that your mom did some really bad things. I just want you to know that if you want to talk about it, I am here for you". I tell him, squeezing his hand softly.

He looks up at me, biting his lip. "Actually I do. Don't think that I believe this absolves me of what I have done, but I think you should know where l come from. You deserve to know all of my story".

We spend the next 2 hours on his bed laying almost nose to nose, as he tells me everything about his childhood and youth. His fight to believe in himself, his mistakes, his downfalls. He also tells how Tom probably saved his life, but that he couldn't follow through with the therapy. That he has come a long way, but still has a lot of demons to fight. In between we both cry and hold each other.

"So now you know me, all of me even the not very nice parts". He says with a sigh. 

He looks so exhausted and worn, I pull the blanket up around him. "You need to sleep now Zac, to get better. I'lI be right on the other side of the door, on the couch okay?"

 

"Do.. do you feel disgusted by me, now you know the truth ?" He looks at me, so much worry in his eyes that my throat feels all constricted.

I reach out to trail a finger over his cheek, sending him a soft smile. "No not at all Zac. I feel honoured that you trust me enough to share all this. I admire your courage and your strength, that you have all this kindness and compassion in you with all you went through".

"Thank you Freckles". He nuzzles his face against my hand. "Would you stay here and hold my hand till I fall asleep ?"

 

"Good night Freckles. I love you". He pulls my hand to his lips, giving it a soft lingering kiss. "But I understand that you can't just forgive me, that we can't just go back to where we used to be".

 

"Good night Zac. I love you too". But he is right, we can't just go back, pick up were it all crumpled. But who know. Maybe that is a good thing, maybe we can move on from here, get better.

I rub his hand softly, watching him as he drift of to sleep, looking relaxed and peaceful. I kiss his forehead, before going to snuggle up on the couch. As I lay on the couch staring up at the ceiling, and wonder why I feel so bad for him.. why feel sad for him. I mean, he is the one who broke me after all and while I can still feel all of my broken pieces float around inside of me and should have been angry with him, for some reason I just isn't. Maybe somewhere far in the back of my mind l know that he didn't do it on purpose. Maybe somewhere deep in the core of my heart I know that he is a good guy who happened to have made a bad mistake. Or maybe a part of me knew that breaking me broke him too... I don't know. But whatever it was it keep me awake all night, and instead of being angry at him, I feel bad and sad for him, and ends up praying and asking God to help heal him too.

 

*Tom  
As I pull the jaguar out from the curb l get an incoming call on my other cell  
phone, pushing the button to the speaker system. "Yes boss".

 

"Agent Viper you are late, where have you been all day?" The deep smoky voice of my boss sounds over the system.

I roll my eyes, pressing my food a bit harder down on the gas pedal. "Now Alice, darling, don't get your knickers in a twist. I had some personal stuff to tend to. I am on my way, I just need to get by my hotel to change into my tux".

"Thomas what have I told you? It's boss or director Fairchild". She says sternly. But I know that she secretly likes me calling her Alice. "Just get there fast".

I get to my hotel and have a quick shower, putting on my tuxedo. I am going to a cocktail party at a mansion owned by a man called Gaston Bernard, who is suspected to run a worldwide criminal empire. I am there just to take a look around, and try to get closer to Mr Bernard today, so I am going in naked, meaning that I am carrying no weapons. Tom Hiddleston, gentleman actor wouldn't carry weapons to a cocktail party.

 

Then I am back in the car, driving up to mansion showing my invitation to get let through the gate. I toss the keys to the valet as I get out. Smoothing my hands over my tux, taking a deep breath. Time to be charming and harmless.

A butler opens the door to me and I send him a small nod before walking inside. There are two men guarding the ballroom. They are wearing dark suits and I can clearly see that they have guns concealed under the jacket. Inside the ballroom my eyes do a quick sweep, there are five more armoured guards in the ballroom and about 45 guests. I accept a glass of champagne from a waiter, and walk slowly through the room. Scanning the faces to see if I recognise anyone.

I see a couple of known faces, a belgian arms dealer and a swedish man who is big in the human traffic circle, abducting young Scandinavian girls and women to be sold of as broken sex slaves to rich men who is into that kind of things. Men like him is why I do this, stopping men like him is what makes it worth the risks.

There he is, Gaston Bernard. He is arn average size man with dark hair, born in France, lived in the middle-east for a number of years and now he lives here in Canada, presumably dabbling in weapons, drugs and women. A real charmer.

 

I stay nearby, sipping my champagne, making small talk with a few people. This is one of the perks coming from my side job as an actor. I rarely have to make contact, usually people wants to meet me and I can get into almost every party or Luke makes sure I can.

 

And sure enough, it doesn't take long before a young man in a very expensive suit tabs my shoulder. "Evening Mr Hiddleston, the host would like you meet you".

 

"It would be an honour" I say with a warm smile. Following him over to Mr Bernard. This must be either a son or nephew, some kind of close family and high ranking. A hungry young man, always wanting more, with a tendency to let lust rule over smart decision. 

 

Yeah that is one of my strong point reading people and situations and I am very rarely wrong doing it. My eyes scan over Gaston. He is a harsh man, an unforgiving man. "An honour Mr Bernard being invited and may I say, it is such a beautiful home you got here".

"The honour is all mine Mr Hiddleston, it isn't every day we have a real Hollywood movie star attending one of our small parties". He say, shaking my hand.

I wave him of, smiling again. "You flatter me sir, I am really no one special, standing in front of a camera, pretending to be someone else, it hardly takes any work. No building a business empire from the ground, that is an accomplishment".

"I like you" He slaps my shoulder, laughing, then turn to the young man beside him. "I like him, see this is how a gentleman acts towards his elders, you could learn a thing or two Pierre".

We talk for some time, and I know that he likes me. That is another of my skills if you will call it that. I am good at being likable, I am an expert in charming and seducing people, no matter their age or sex. People tend to trust me.

Mr Bernard spots someone and waves them over. "And here is someone you just need to meet Tom, my very beautiful daughter Marie. Marie, mon coeur, this is Tom Hiddleston".

"A pleasure meeting such an outstandingly beautiful young lady". I say, bowing lightly, as I take her hand, kissing it softly. She is dark and sexy, wearing a bright red dress with a high slid. But there is something about her, I have no doubt that she is dangerous, very dangerous indeed.

 

She is sending me a sultry look, letting her hand stay in mine a little longer than necessary. "As charming and handsome as the rumours say, I see. Well a pleasure meeting you too Mr Hiddleston".

"Please call me Tom, and I am usually not one for accepting flatter, but from a woman like yourself, which man could resist that" I say, raising my eyebrow slightly.

 

She gives me a small vry smile, slowly pulling her hand away. Her eyes running over me. "So Tom, do you happen to tango ?"

 

  "Of course I tango darling. We are not savages, any man should know how to tango". I hold out my hand to her. "May I have the honour my lady ?"

 

She takes my hand, and turn to look at the orchestra, snapping her fingers and they instantly start and ensnaring Argentine tango. "Let me see then, if you are a savage or a real man then".

 

"Oh that might depend on the situation my dear" I say, pulling her into me. Luckily tango is one of my stronger dances and she is a formidable dancer.

We slide across the floor in a sexy tango, making people stop and look. Getting close to her, is getting close to her father. This is what I am good at, getting inside. Gaining trust by getting connections. And I got a feeling it will be quite easy to seduce her. But I need to watch my steps, as I am sure she is more than she appears to be.

When the music stops and we stand there, quite close together. Both slightly panting. She leans close, whispering huskily in my ear. "What do you say we go somewhere more private and you show me that savage part ?"

"I hope you don't expect me to do the gentleman thing and say no, because that is an offer to enticing to turn down". I answer, catching her eyes with mine, sending her a glimpse of unbridled desire.

She grabs my hand, and call out to her father. "Daddy, I am going to escort Tom upstairs to see the art collection".

 

She pulls me outside the ballroom and into a long dim corridor. There is no doubt what she has in mind. But I need to leave her wanting more, desiring to get me to back.

 

"So where is the art collection" I ask her teasingly, as she stops and turns towards me.

"Oh fuck that boring old stuff, I rather look at the art that is your hard sexy body". She says, running her hands up to grab my lapels, pulling me into her, kissing me like she is about to devour me completely.


	35. Tired of waiting for him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 23 February 2018

*Zac*  
"Thanks for letting me stay Zac". Tom says, as he is cleaning out the table after breakfast. They had finished up the commercial 2 days ago, but Tom had decided to stay a bit longer for some vacation. Even though I am sure it has more to do with the woman he is constantly texting.

Have I been hating Tom and lvy getting so close, and by close I mean doing very steamy scenes together. Oh definitely. By as all Tom's focus seems to be on this mystery woman, well I am a bit more relaxed. "No problem Tom You got a place to stay, I get free therapy".

 

"You do know you need some professional help as soon as you are done with the movie right ? Actually I know a place that could really help you, if you are willing to pull a month or two from you calendar at least and focus on you". He tells me, just as his phone on the table plings.

 

I grab his phone, curious to know who this woman is that Tom is keeping a big secret. And I read the text out loud. "I am just about done with your games Mr Hiddleston, you can't tease a girl like that. let her know what awaits her and let you.. uhh not reading that out loud" I say, knowing I am blushing.

"Well then don't read other people's private texts". Tom say grinning, taking his phone from his hand and quickly texting back.

I shake my head. "Well as I don't have a love life or sexlife at the moment I have to life through you. So tell me, why are you apparently driving this young lady to.. want to do unspeakable things ? Is it just for the fun of it ?"

"Honestly Zac, it's work. I need to get close to her father and the easiest and safest way is through her". He say sending me a small lopsided smile.

I mean I know he sometimes does that. For me, even with my fucked up track  
record with women, that just seems weird. "But won't she get hurt when she finds out that you don't like her ?"

 

"Oh I doubt it, as you see she isn't some delicate flower. Actually I have a feeling I really need to watch myself, I don't trust her". He is leaning on the kitchen counter.

"Be careful Tom, if you don't trust her there is most likely a good reason". I tell him. I trust in Tom's instincts.

 

He waves me of, like it is no big deal "So Ivy haven't taken you back in her graces yet? I thought she had forgiven you".

"She has.. kind of. But no physical contact, she say she can't. And I am still waiting for the test answers" Ivy had demanded I got a test for every sexual transmitted diseases out there before she would ever consider touching me again.

Tom makes an apologetic face. "Well sorry Zac, but I kind of get her. You might not remember her, but that was one nasty skank you had your dick in, had it been me l would have feared it would fall of".

"I know Tom and I totally get her, but I am going crazy here. All I can think about is burrowing my face in her neck and hair, feeling her lips on mine". The longing is a physical pain, I never knew I could need someone like this.

Tom looks at me, then he starts to laugh. "Oh I see that, you are really missing her. You might want to do something about that".

 

"Sorry" I adjust my pants, trying to hide just a bit of my erection, not really managing in any way. "Can't really help it, happens every time I think about her or look at her".

 

*Tom*  
I hear a car pull up out front. Zac looks out the window then turns to look at me. "Uhh Tom are you awaiting a limo ?"

 

"Well no, but I was expecting her to make a move, seems like she is tired of waiting". I say chuckling to myself. My plan seemed to work.

Shortly after the doorbell rings and Zac goes to open. I can hear his voice from the kitchen suddenly sounding a bit high pitched. "Uhm well hello there, can I help you miss?"

 

"Miss Bernard and well yes you can handsome, I am looking for Tom and I know he is in here". I hear Marie's voice.

Zac comes scrambling into the kitchen, looking just a bit flustered. "Uhh Tom, there is a very hot, half naked woman asking for you'".

"Half naked, well she is not wasting any time". I say, just as Marie come strolling into the kitchen wearing killer heels, an open trench coat and some very sexy lingerie.

 

I let my eyes run over her. Oh she is most definitely sexy, this I can deal with. She look at me. "I am tired of waiting Tom, I want you and now. But I guess we are driving back to my place, unless handsome there wants to watch".

"See you Tom, I'll be in my room" Zac all but run out of there, looking almost scared, making Marie smile teasingly and shrug

I step closer to her, slowly running a finger down her neck, pulling the trenchcoat aside. She is in great shape, actually too good to just be going to the gym, this is a body trained to be in top condition. "Oh so you got my text I take it". I had told her to come get me if she wanted me that badly.

"I did, you are mine Tom and you better live up to everything you have promised". She hook a finger in my jeans, and pull me along towards the door.

*Ivy*  
"Zac, are you home?" I call as I step into the apartment. This last week has been up and down. I mean I do love him, and I feel sorry for him. But I am scared to let him all in again. We have spend a lot of time talking, and he has opened up and told me everything about his childhood.

He comes out from the bedroom, lightening up in a huge smile when he sees me. "Hi Freckles, right here. I missed you".

"I missed you too Zac". And I can't help it, I walk over, melting into his arms, snuggling against his broad chest.

He holds me so close that it is almost impossible to breathe, before letting me go. "Well you missed quite a show Tom's... girlfriend I guess, showed up in a limo and her underwear to pick him up.

"She was in her underwear ? Like here, in front of you?" I ask. What kind of woman would act like that? I didn't think Tom someone who would be involved with that kind of woman.

He chuckles nervously. "I promised I didn't look and I went into the bedroom as soon as possible. I would never look at another woman like that".

 

"Zac.. if a woman shows up in her underwear, it's okay to look. As long as looking is all you do". I tell him, it is actually adorable the way he is getting all flustered.

His phone tells him that he has gotten a message. And he pulls it out reading, then he turns it towards me. "See, I am totally clean of everything".

I take the phone, reading the mail from the doctor. He is perfectly healthy in any way. "I am so happy about that Zac, I mean for you own sake".

 

"So.. now when you know I am not contagious, maybe you will allow me to kiss you ?" He looks at me with such hope in his eyes.

 

I look at him for a moment. How can I say no to that sweet face? To those sexy lips ? I step closer to him. "I think that can be arranged".

He leans down, catching my lips with his. First it is so soft, longing, gentle like sitting in front of a fire on a winter evening. Then his teeth catches my lip, and it turns to a fiery inferno. And I am flying, like literally, as he has lifted me of the floor, kissing me with all the pent up passion of a starving man getting a luxurious meal.

I know where this is headed, I know I should stop him. Not that I don't want to. But I am not sure I am ready yet. Right now my body, my lust for him, is drowning out all that.

 

Suddenly he gently peel me of him and put my down on the floor. "It's not that I don't want to Freckles, I think that is pretty obvious. But I have a feeling you are not totally ready to take this further, and I don't want to ruin anything".

 

The fact that he knows this and that he cares to stop when he could have gotten what he so clearly wants, makes me so touched I almost cry. "Thank you Zac. Part of me really wants to. But I think you are right".

 

"It's okay lvy, I can wait. I love you and I want you to be sure". He say, pulling me into his arms again, just holding me.

 

I smile against his chest, yeah he might be a fucked up and broken bastard, but he is my fucked up and broken bastard. "I love you too Zac".


	36. 2 snakes and a tiger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 23 February 2018

*Tom*  
She pulls me into the limo and tell the driver to take us home. There is no doubt she think herself in charge her, think she is the one controlling me, but she will find out that is not how I roll. She is used to men being at her beg and call, but not this time.  
Again, this game is all about reading people, knowing what they want and what they need. And this women, she needs someone to take control or you will end up nothing but a plaything to her.

 

Grabbing my face, she is kissing me, wet, wild and passionately, my hands slide under her coat, tasting her skin and the curves of her body. And she pushes the button, closing of from the driver.

 

Honestly this isn't really my thing, in private I prefer the woman to be my equal, to lavish her with attention. But I can play the part, be as dominating as needed to fulfil the job.

 

My hand slide into her hair. "So you want me, well then better earn it my dear, make me want to be yours". I slowly pull her down on the floor in front of me and uses my other hand to free my erection.

 

She licks her lips looking at it, then she looks up at me with hooded eyes. "Oh my, it's so big and hard". Then she leans down, eagerly swallowing it, making me hiss through my teeth and pull slightly on her hair.

 

  As we drive up in front on the mansion, I am tucking myself away and she is drying of her mouth with the back of her hand. I send her an approving look. "Not bad darling, not bad at all".

 

"I am not done with you yet Tom, not at all". When the driver open the door I step out offering her my hand, helping her out and she takes my hand, pulling me inside.

 

Inside her bedroom I make short work of getting her naked, my own clothes quickly spread across the floor too. Before we fall on the bed all tangled up in each other. I am kneading her breast, hearing her purr. My fingers sliding down between her spread legs, dipping into her core. "So wet for me".

 

"Hmmm fuck me Tom, I want that big cock inside my pussy". She moans, pulling me down on top of her, thrusting up against me.

 

Well she get what she wants, even though I don't really appreciate that kind of language from a woman. And she moans and thrashes as I pound into her, sounding like a bad porn star.

 

Soon she folds her legs around me, tipping me over so she gets on top of me, riding me hard, her long nails running over my chest, leaving bloody scratches behind, making me hiss again from the burn.

 

Something flashes in my mind, the scratches. Stories of an illusive female hitman, leaving her victims with deep scratches from fingernails across their chest. La Tigress is her alias, no one know her real identity, but I got a sneaking suspicion that I just found out.

 

Flipping her under me again, I know that if I am right I really need to be on my toes, because then she is even more dangerous than I ever suspected.

 

"You are mine, mine alone, to use as I see fit. Tell me You are mine". I tell her, each word punctuated by a punishing thrust into her and answered with a wanton moan from her mouth.

 

"Oh God I am yours Tom, all yours". She purr, trying to get on top again. But I grab her, turning her over. Pulling her arms behind her back, holding them there. Pushing back inside her. 

 

She has her face in the pillow and I am literally pounding her into the mattress, hearing her moans get more erratic until she screams out her orgasm. I up my tempo, taking her hard and without restraint, until she is wailing through her fourth orgasm and I release her arms, grabbing her waist, finishing myself of with a pace and fury that will have her walking a bit funny tomorrow, reminding her who she belongs to.

 

As I cum, I slap her ass rather hard. Not really my thing either, but it shift her focus, so she don't feel the tiny prick as I give her the potent sedative hidden in my watch. An second later she drifts of to sleep. With her fast asleep for a couple of hours I can take a look around. Maybe I can find out if I really found la tigress.

 

I get up and walk to the bathroom, using a towel to clean myself. I look in the mirror. Honestly I hate this part, but I am good at it, possibly the best, so I am the one getting stuck with these assignments. I walk back into the bedroom, pulling on my clothes.

 

Doing a quick sweep of the room, I find nothing of value to the case or revealing who Marie really is. So I crack open the door. No one in sight. If I get caught I can always play dumb and say I was looking for the kitchen to get a glass of water.

 

I find a door looking like an office, cracking it open to peak in. Definitely an office and no persons in sight, so I slip inside, closing the door behind me. As soon as I turn I find myself pressed into the door a wicked looking knife at my throat and a voice hissing. "Viper".

 

"Black Mamba". I say a smirk sliding over my face, looking at the beautiful sultry brunette in front of me, right now she is wearing a french maid outfit.

 

She is glaring at me, her green eyes telling me that she didn't expect finding me here. "Oh, you're still alive then".

 

"Don't sound so disappointed, I might think you don't like me darling". I muse.

 

She keep the knife on me, leaning in closer. "I heard you got suspended after Madrid, so who did you have to charm the knickers of to get back in the game ?"

 

"And I heard you defected, so give me one good reason that I should not take you in and hand you over to the boss ?" I ask back, ignoring her question.

 

She removes the knife, sheeting it somewhere hidden. "Well if I had defected, do you really think you would be alive now Thomas ?"

 

"Good point". My eyes running over her, she looks damn hot in that little outfit. "So what are you doing here Dove ?"

 

"I'm undercover you dimwitt. Do you think I run around dressed like this for the fun of it ? The boss likes his maids to look french". She rolls her eyes. "What are you doing here ? Well beside banging the daughter".

 

It has been a long time since I last saw her. "I am here on the boss' order, getting on the inside, you know how it works babe. She was my way in, but I suspect she is much more than that".

 

"Like what ? She looks like nothing more than a cheap whore to me. You know she is just after your fame right ?" Her voice acidic.

 

I can't help smirking. "Do I detect a tiny notion of jealousy here ?"

 

"Why would I be jealous ? You do realise I hate you right ?" She say, walking over to the desk, starting to go through it, apparently I had interrupted her.

 

   "Why ? I mean I am so lovely, charming, sexy". When she ignores me I walk to a cupboard and start to look through it, casting glances at her once in a while. "I have to say darling, that outfit look really good on you".

 

She whips around, her eyes sending daggers. "Thomas William Hiddleston, You are the worst human being on the face of the planet".

 

"Aw, that's the nicest thing you've said to me in a very long time, maybe ever". I tell her with a big smile, hearing her grind her teeth. "So the defecting is a ruse to hide you are undercover ?"

 

She takes a deep breath, leaning on the desk behind her. "Yeah, the boss suspects that we have a mole, someone pretty high ranking, that is why I am of the grid".

 

"And if I was the mole you had just given it all away. What makes you sure you can trust me ?" I ask her, taking a step closer.

 

She smiles a little sad smile, one I know to well. "Because as good a liar you are, as slick as you are, however well you master deception, you are not dishonest and you would never sell out your own side for anything".

 

"Well thank you, I think". I say with a sigh, looking at her. "Does this ring a bell ?" I start unbuttoning my shirt.

 

She roll her eyes. "What are you doing Tom, why are you taking of your clothes ?"

 

"Don't flatter yourself love. I wanted to show you this". I open my shirt, showing her the four red lines running over my chest. "Does this look familiar ?"

 

Her eyes grows wide and she steps up to me, gently running her hand over my skin next to the scratches. "Shit Tom, Marie Bernard is La Tigress". She sucks in her breath. "You are telling me you slept with La Tigress and survived to tell the tale ?"

 

"Well I did sedate her, just to be sure. But I had this feeling from the moment I met her. I think we finally have her real identity". I say, knowing I need to call the boss.

 

Her fingers slowly trail down my chest, making all kind of feeling shoot through me. "So what are you plan now, I mean when you know how dangerous she is ? Are you going to disappear while she is still sedated ?"

 

"Nope, the opportunity is to good. I am going to slide back into bed before she wakes and pretend to be sleeping. I need to get evidence, real evidence". I know I need to do whatever to stop her, she has the life of several agents on her conscience, not to talk about everyone getting in way of the family business.

 

She looks up at me, with actual concerne in her eyes. "Isn't there another way ? It sounds awfully dangerous Tom, if she suspects the least she kills you first and ask questions later".

 

"Well that is always the risk in this job. But I am happy to know that you actually worry about me". I say softly and this time there is no snappy retort. So I take the opening in her hostility and pull her into me, kissing her softly but passionated.

 

As I let her go, I send her a small smile. "So on a scale from one to ten, how bad do you want to kill me right now ?"

 

"Oh I'm hovering somewhere in the high thirties". She answers, avoiding my eyes. "Tell me Thomas, are you clinically insane or just incredibly annoying ?"

 

"I don't know, probably both, but you still kind of like me, deep deep down". I tell her, she is so cute when she is angry.

 

"Oh Tom you have no idea about how deep down". She say shaking her head, then she adds. "Be careful okay ?"

 

I grab a small piece of paper, scrabbling down Zac's address and handing it to her. "My number is still the same, and if you get in trouble, go here, even if I am not there they are good people, just say I send you".

 

"Thank you Tom". She leans in to kiss my cheek. Before slipping the note into her bra.

 

"Well see you around Dove". I truly hope I will, it's been way to long. Sending her a last smile, I leave, slipping back i to the bedroom and undressing, before sliding down beside Marie.


	37. A Dove flies in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 27 February 2018

*Zac*  
"So is Sadie still hating me with the passion of a thousand suns". I ask Ivy as we are laying on the couch. Her on top of me because, well it isn't wide enough to fit us both.  
She lifts her head, looking up at me. "Well yeah kind of. I am sorry, but she is a teenager, she will get over it with time".

 

"I deserve it, so I can't really blame her". I say, running my hand into her soft hair. "What about your mother and Ethan, I am guessing they aren't fans either".

 

She stretches up to kiss my lightly. "Well my mom is disappointed, but she feel sorry for you too. Ethan says he is staying out of it, that it is my choice".

 

"Any idea what I can do to get on Sadie and your mother's good side again ?" I ask her, twirling a lock of her hair between my fingers.

 

These last days we have become more and more intimate, but we still haven't taken that last step, and I am well aware that Ivy no doubt can feel how happy my body is to be close to her. "Well you can always bring over Tom".

 

"Not a bad idea, even though I am not sure Tom is happy about being used as a bargain". I say chuckling.

 

She is biting her lip and I can see she is thinking deeply about something. "I am a bit worried about Tom. That girlfriend of his, she gives me the heebie jeebies. And I have heard some rumours about her".

 

"It is sweet of you to worry, but I think Tom can handle himself, he is very much able, more than he looks". I must admit to myself that I am worried about Tom too.

 

I run my other hand into her hair to, pulling her up to kiss her and it turns pretty heated quickly. Her hand suddenly sliding down to rub me through my pants, making me groan. "Someone is very much excited".

 

"Oh I bet you both me and it is". I mumble, kissing her again, my entire body on fire. And I am scared I am going to embarrass myself utterly.

 

Suddenly the doorbell rings, but I ignore it. But then it rings again, and Ivy breaks the kiss. "Maybe we should go see if it is important ?"

 

"No, it is probably nothing, stay here". I pull her down to kiss her again. Nothing is going to come between us.

 

But then the person knocks on the door, and I groan. Ivy pushes herself up, looking down on the sizeable tent in my pants. "I better go look, you would just scare the shit out of them".

 

Ivy walk out to the door, and I sit up feeling utterly frustrated. But then Ivy calls out, sounding scared. "Zac come here, come here now".

 

I jump up, luckily the urgency in her voice puts a damper on my mood, and I can run out there without looking like a pervert. "What is happening ?"

 

Beside Ivy there is another woman in the hallway. She is dressed in what looks like a torn maids outfit like the kind you mostly see in porn. Her eye is swollen and she is bleeding from the mouth. Ivy looks scared. "She says Tom gave her your address".

 

She is swaying on her feet, and I catch her, just before she falls, sweeping her into my arms. "Ivy I think you should call Tom and tell him he needs to come now".

 

I carry her into the bedroom, and gently lay her on the bed. "Tom is on his way. You are safe her okay ? Just tell me if there is anything we can do".

 

"Tom is on his way". Ivy says as she comes into the bedroom. She puts a hand on my arm. "Zac could you go get some warm water, some washcloths and the first aid kit ?" 

 

I hurry out to get the things and bringing it to Ivy. Then I go wait for Tom, letting Ivy help the poor woman undress and wash up, before getting on some clean clothes.

*Ivy*  
"What's your name ?" I ask, helping her get out of that dreadful costume. She has bruises all over her body, and she whimpers slightly as she moves. I wonder were she knows Tom from and what happened.

 

She coughs, and tries to send me a friendly smile. She is clearly a very beautiful woman. "I am Dove, and who are you ?"

 

"I am Ivy. I would say nice to meet you Dove, but not under these circumstances". I tell her. "Is it okay for me to was away the blood ?"

 

She nods slowly. "Yeah, I am not shy, can't really be in my line of business". She say, and for a moment I wonder if she is some high class prostitute. She notice my confused face and smile. "I am an undercover agent".

 

"Oh". Is all I can say, my mind kicking into overdrive.. Tom, all those things me and Eric talked about, the doctor calling him Viper. "Tom is an agent ?!"

 

She winces as I clean a nasty cut on her thigh. "Sorry I thought you knew, I mean since Tom told me to go here".

 

"Well I should have known". I say shaking my head slightly. Oh wow, if the world just knew, if his fans knew. Well they would probably find it sexy.

 

"Well Tom is a master of deception among other things, he has always been able to spellbind anyone with minimal effort". She say, and something in her eyes tells me about pain there.

 

I help her clean up. And I can't help notice that she has a bit of blood smeared on the inside of her thighs. I hand her one of Zac's T-shirt and a pair of boxers. "So what happened to you Dove".

 

"I was undercover, working as a maid, the boss made me wear that atrocitie. The son in the house has come on to me several times, but I turned him down. He is a nasty piece of work and well I was already on the inside, so no reason to hook up with him. Today he grabbed me and groped me, so I slapped him. He had two men hold me down and he .. well yeah". She pulls on the t-shirt.

 

I can't even, we need to get a doctor for her. But the agent stuff taken into consideration, we better let Tom handle that. "I am so sorry Dove, I can't even imagine".

 

"Dove". The door is swung open and Tom comes running in, out of breath and looking more disheveled than I have ever seen him. He practically throws himself on his knees next to the bed, taking Dove's hand. "Baby are you okay ?"

 

"I am.. okay Tom.. don't worry". She say softly, placing her other hand on top of his. I watch the way they look at each other, knowing that those two are not just colleagues, there are more to this.

 

He lifts her hand to his lips, kissing it softly. "Who did this to you ? Was it Mr Bernard or that miscread of a son ?"

 

"It was the son. Tom please don't, I can see what you are thinking. You would blow the whole operation. So you need to ignore this Tom". She say, squeezing his hand.

 

I step closer, to get Tom's attention. "Tom, I think you should call the doctor, she needs to be checked by a professional".

 

"He is already on his way, I called him right away after talking to you". He turn his attention back to Dove. "What happened baby, did he try anything ?"

 

She bites her lip looking down, Tom looks at me and I nod. His eyes blows wide, and his voice is breaking slightly. "Baby dove, did he.. did he harm you". 

 

"Please Tom, don't do anything stupid. You'll just get hurt". She desperately pleads, as Tom spring to his feet, his eyes glazing over with rage.

 

"I am going to kill him". Tom turns to storm out the door. Right now he isn't listening.

 

  I call out in panic. "Zac stop him, don't let Tom leave". Running after him into the living-room. 

 

Zac having him caught around his waist, lifted of the ground. He looks at me. "Please tell me why I am restraining Tom ?"

 

"We don't want him doing something stupid, like blowing the operation or getting himself killed". I tell him. The lack of shock tells me something. "You know about him being an agent, didn't you ?"

 

"Yeah I know, but Tom swore me to silence and well he can kill me in like a hundred different ways". Zac says, a bit out of breath from holding the squirming Tom. "For god's sake Tom, stay still".

 

I step over, putting a hand on Tom's arm. "I get it that you are angry Tom, but you can't charge in there like this. You need to calm down".

 

"He needs to die, you don't get it". He looks about to break down right now. "You don't get it, he.. he raped her. I'll fucking kill him".

 

Zac puts him down, hugging him, instead of holding him. "I get it Tom, I get that you want revenge. But right now we need to be rational".

 

"Zac you don't get it". Tom closes his eyes shortly, then he looks from me to Zac, with tears in his eyes. "That in there, Dove, she isn't just a colleague.. she is my wife".


	38. Tom explains everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 27 February 2018

*Ivy*  
"Your wife ?!" I stare at Tom in utter shock, this was about the last thing I expected him to say. I mean I had known there was something between them, but I hadn't thought it was this serious. "You have a wife ?"

 

"Yeah my wife.. I know it sound kind of crazy, considering what I do". He sigh and run a hand over his face. "It's very complicated".

 

Zac just glare at him, pointing at the couch. "And we are both fairly intelligent people, so I think we can follow you. I would love to hear why you were inviting Ivy out if you are married".

 

"Okay, I guess I owe you an explanation". He says, then the doorbell rings. "Is it okay if I just brief the doctor first ?"

 

I nod, and Tom hurry to the door, letting in the doctor, explaining to him what happened, while walking to the bedroom. I hear Tom's voice from in there, it is so soft and caring and I have no doubt that his feeling for her are deep and genuine. "Just relax my Dove, doctor Hanson here is going to check you over, you can trust him".  
Tom comes back out, closing the door behind him. He sits down on the couch, looking at us. "Well I better start at the beginning".

 

"Yeah please do, I kind of feel totally lost here". I look at him, turns out Tom is not at all the man I thought. "So you are a secret agent ? CIA ?"

 

"British intelligence MI6, been for 7 years now. I was recruited by a friend who is no longer doing field work". He say, looking at his hands. And all I can think is, of course MI6 just like James Bond.

 

Zac nods slowly. "Yeah this part I know. Tom is.. what should we call it.. their master of seduction.. their modern day Mata Hari".

 

"Thanks Zac, nice way to call me a whore. But well yeah, my job is often to get inside, to gain trust, and well that often means I have to put my personal needs and desires aside and play a part". He says, glancing up at me.

 

Zac clears his throat. "What Tom says is that his job is to ensnare the men and fuck the women to make them tell him their secrets".

 

"Thank you Zac, as always you have such a delicate way of putting things". Tom say, glaring at him. Zac just makes a face, shrugging his shoulders.

 

"Sorry Tom, but it sounds.. well it can't be easy living like that. I mean constantly being someone else, doing things you might not want to do". I say, I mean being an actress is one thing, but that is a whole other level.

 

Zac huffs. "Oh yeah really hard, sleeping with beautiful women, jetsetting all over the world, hanging out in luxury and help stopping the bad guys, sounds really bad".

 

"Zac ! Shut up with the commentary my dear". I say, sending him a glare. Honestly he isn't really being helpful right now.

 

"Well sometimes it gets hard holding onto the real you, being yourself. You tend to slip into the role automatically. So sometimes you cling to small things to stay just a bit grounded". Tom says. His eyes telling me that he is definitely hiding some pain too.

 

I take his hand. "I get it Tom, but why do you keep doing it then ? And what is the story with you and Dove ? She seems like a great girl by the way".

 

"She is, she is amazing". He says, an involuntary smile spreading on his face. "I met Dove two years ago, after a problematic case in England, we were put together on a case on the Riviera in France, we were posing as a married couple, and well we were head over heels, ended up running of to Las Vegas after the case and got married. We talked about getting out, stopping. Agents are not allowed to have relationships with each other, so we had to hide our marriage".

 

I look at him, the way his eyes light up every time he mention her name, and the special smile that seems reserved for thinking of her. "You really do love her don't you ? Why didn't you get out then ?"

 

"I do, I love her more than anything. I wanted out, but then Dove got a call, a very important case and we agreed, just this last one and then we would get out. Then I got a case, it was some really nasty guys, human trafficking, they took them as kids, groomed them and sold them as sexslaves. I had to do it, to stop them and Dove agreed. It turned out the ring leader was a woman and she.. well she liked me.. I could take down the whole ring if I could get the info from her. I called Dove and she told me to do what I had to do. After that case, stopping such evil, I couldn't just walk away, knowing that cases like that might not be cracked, people like that might not be stopped". His shoulders slump.

 

Zac takes a deep breath. "Well I actually kind of get you Tom, what you do, even if you sometimes have to do bad things to do it, it's good, I mean you save people, you stop some really evil people. I get why it's hard to stop doing it".

 

"Me and Dove, we didn't get much time together, always away on assignments, and I had to keep up the facade too, jetting of to make movies and when we had to keep it hidden. But the times we had together". He laughs softly. "It was amazing, perfect, wonderful. I finally had something that tethered me, kept me grounded".

 

I reach out to squeeze his hand. "So what went wrong then ? Because I sense a lot of pain, in both of you".

 

"I had a big case in Madrid about 8 months ago, Dove just happened to be in the city too. We managed to squeeze in some alone time". He says with a wink. "I was working this very rich spanish woman and well Dove saw us together. She freaked and messed up everything, got me suspended and in loads of trouble for trying to hide her involvement. Spend 3 months locked up, they had to assess if I was a liability".

 

"She got you locked up in high security lock up for three months and suspended ? Ouch love hurts man". Zac says, looking kind of amused, making me throw a pillow at him.

 

Tom just nods. "When I got out, I was told she had defected, gone rogue. I tried finding her, but no trace at all. I haven't seen her since. Not before the other day at the Bernard mansion".

 

"But if she defected or you thought she did, wasn't it your job to.. stop her ?" I mean I have all my knowledge from movies and tv, so I am not really sure.

 

Tom nods. "Well yeah. But I know her, I trust her and it turned out she was deep undercover. And well maybe not entirely happy to see me".

 

"Okay, one question Tom, if you really love her, and I get you thought she had went rogue and everything, but if you still love her. Why were you going to go for Ivy ?" Zac asks, making me gasp and look at Tom, he wanted to do what ?

 

Tom sends me a sheepish smile. "Yeah about that.. sorry.. honestly, you reminded me of her, I.. I .. oh shit I know it's fucked up, but I was trying to have her back even though she wasn't there. It wouldn't have been fair, because you aren't her of course".

 

"It's okay Tom. You must have been crushed, not knowing were she was, if she was good or bad, or even dead or alive". I actually get him, get them. Damn it must be hard odds for a relationship, for love.

 

The doctor comes out the room and Tom is instantly on his feet and goes to talk with him, walking him out, taking care of the bill I guess. I get out and move to Zac, sliding down on his lap. "Suddenly our trouble seems so small, I can't imagine living like them".

 

"Yeah, I mean I knew about the agent thing, but this, I had no idea. Poor Tom, suffering in silence". Zac puts his arms around me, pulling me into him, burrowing his face in my shoulder.


	39. Author note

Currently on hold.. new chapters Will come later


End file.
